


It was Only a Kiss

by onlybylaura



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars - The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Anger born of worry, Eventual sexy times, F/M, Fake Dating, Fluff, Hate Sex, Hate to Love, I mean that, Mutual Pining, Okay so this is the rom com with the most cliches you'll ever read, Only One Bed, Roadtrip, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Tension, Shut Up Kiss, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, a karaoke scene, a kiss in the rain!, apparently this is similar to the hating game so if you're into that this fic is for you, but also smut when it calls for it, cheesy and ridiculous, do you like the rom com renaissance? this is it, just me and my rom com dreams, sharing an umbrella!, slowburn, taking care of each other while sick, will they or won't they, you'll laugh you'll cry you'll die of sexual tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-06-16 19:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 80,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15444009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlybylaura/pseuds/onlybylaura
Summary: Rey has to compete for her dream job in Starr Publishing against her biggest childhood enemy, Ben Solo. She's ready to make him lose the job... but is she ready to lose her heart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, this fic is just a lot of cliches stuck together. Publishing definitely does not look like this AT ALL. I just made up stuff as I went and because this way life in publishing sounds way more glamourized than staying in your pyjamas reading at 3am. You can find me in my twitter at @laurampohl, come say hi! I hope you'll stick around, this fic is going to be LONG.

Knowing her whole life could change in a matter of minutes was not something that helped Rey Knight relax.

She tried not to fidget with the briefcase. She felt stuffed inside her collared shirt, her hair stuck into a precise bun that had taken hours for her to fix because her hair simply refused to obey her, even with a copious amount of hairspray.

The interviewer was a couple of minutes late. Her eyes tracked the precise seconds pointer of the clock, as if she could make it go faster. It was normal to be late. It was just business. It didn’t mean they had given up on interviewing her, or that they’d already filled the position. She looked at her phone, where the e-mail calling her for an interview blinked at the top of her inbox.

Rey remembered completely freaking out in her apartment, and Rose having to calm her down before she even replied the e-mail saying that she’d love to be interviewed for the position at Starr Publishing, one of the biggest publishing houses in the world, and Rey’s dream job.

When the door finally opened, she almost jumped, her heart skipping a beat.

The interviewer stood at the door. Rey didn’t dare get up yet, she knew to wait for when she was called. It was just her nerves speaking. God, she was a complete wreck this week. At least her outfit was right, and she looked presentable enough for the position. Rose had made sure she didn’t completely freak out that morning, and she even managed to eat some breakfast.

Almost a functioning adult who was not about to be a complete wreck in an interview for the job opportunity of a lifetime.

It was okay. It was going to be okay. She’d been working her whole life for this. Nothing was going to change the fact that she was prepared and that she was competent and that her curriculum was really great for someone her age. They couldn’t turn her down. She put a smile on her face, as if she could force her whole body into relaxing just by sheer determination.

Rey’s determination had gotten her this far in life. It was going to get her a little further now.

“Thanks so much,” the interviewer said as another person walked through the door. Great. Of couse someone else was also interviewing for the job, because nothing could be easy. “We’ll have an answer for you by the end of the week.”

“Thank you for the opportunity.”

Rey frowned, her attention back on the interview and not the possibility of what could happen once she walked inside that room.

Rey knew that voice. She couldn’t quite place it, the memory fleeting. It was deep and pleasant. Probably someone she had heard speaking in a conference. In this area of business, everyone knew everyone. She probably knew the exact list of people who were interviewing for the position without even having to check.

“Miss Knight?” The interviewer asked, looking up from a piece of paper he held in his hand.

Rey got up, and adjusted her briefcase and her shirt. The other interviewee was just leaving. It was her turn. She was going to be fine.

She’d worked all her life for this.

She turned around, taking a deep breath. The other interviewiee stepped through the door, almost a head taller than she was. The interviewer was still waiting for her, and she approached them. The man turned around, and when Rey looked up, recognition struck her.

“Solo?” She asked, incredulous.

He turned around.

It had been some time before she’d seen him. She didn’t remember him being this tall. Or this… she didn’t want to think of the words. His hair fell just a little over his shoulder, just like she remembered. Hot-rage sparked in her blood. This was just her luck.

Of couse he’d be interviewing for the same job as her. This week couldn’t get any better.

“What are you doing here?” She demanded.

He blinked, adjusting his tie. His face was impassive. “Same as you, I believe. Interviewing for a job.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Why?” He asked, raising one eyebrow. “We all need to work, Knight.”

God, she wanted to smack that look from his face. Just like she had when they were children. What a pompous ass. Of course her biggest enemy would be interviewing for the same job as hers. That was just what her roommate said in her horoscope.

Rey didn’t really believe in such a thing as a horoscope, but she kind of wished she had. At least she would have been prepared for this.

“I thought you were done betraying companies and the like,” she said evenly.

“Don’t start,” Solo replied, his voice silk-smooth. “But good luck on your interview.”

Every single syllable out of his mouth made Rey want to punch him. _Good luck_. As if he was truly wishing she was lucky in the interview. Those were the worst words she could have heard from him. There was a mockery beneath them, almost hidden, but she knew him well enough to know his true meaning.

It was obvious that he didn’t care that she was competing for the same position—especially because he was so confident he would win the job.

Rey wasn’t going to let him have that satisfaction.

She just wouldn’t.

Gathering her wits, she turned her back on him before she did something rash that did make her lose the job before she was even competing for it. She smoothed her skirt once more, combing back her hair with her fingers. Solo kept watching, as if seeing her just a little bit out of her comfort zone made him happy.

“I’ll see you around, Knight,” he called to her back.

Rey almost turned, but she controlled herself. This was not the way she would win this.

“Miss Knight?” The interviewer called again.

Rey adjusted her collar and walked through the door, waiting for the interview that would change her life.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Rey spent the week waiting for them to call back. Every single beep in her phone made her jump, so she ended up turning it to silent mode. Besides, it wasn’t like she had anyone else to talk to. Finn wasn’t talking to her after he had confessed his feelings for her last week, and she’d blatantly refused him, and she just didn’t have a lot of friends.

It was pathetic, really. Her whole life turned it into this one job opportunity which she couldn’t miss. She had to get that job. Even her boss, Leia, had understood—Rey just wouldn’t be able to further her career by staying in the publishing house forever. This was an opportunity of a lifetime, and she had worked hard all her life solely for this.

When the phone finally rang on Friday morning, Rey jumped and fell off the bed trying to grab it. She was prepared to spend the whole day wallowing while at work, trying to finish up contracts and cursing herself, when the answer came.

It was an invitation to come into the office.

“Rose!” She said, immediately flying to the other room where her roommate was. “Rose! I think I got the job!”

Rose Tico looked up from the computer she was trying to fix. It was undone in her table, and she had goggles perched on the bridge of her nose. A dozen different tools were scattered across the table where she was working, a pile of screws by her side.

“What? Seriously?”

“Yes,” Rey said, almost squealing. She shoved the phone on Rose’s face. “Look at it.”

Rose read the lines, then opened a smile. “Hey, that’s great! Have you told Finn yet?”

Rey grimaced. In other circumstances, she’d want to tell him first thing. He’d celebrate it with her. Another victory for Rey Knight. But this time, it didn’t feel like a victory. Even calling him was just weird.

He probably didn’t want to see her.

“Rey, you gotta talk to him,” Rose said, guessing her thoughts.

“I need to give him space,” Rey said, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “He just…” Her voice trailed off. Their group was a little weird, especially when Rey considered that a couple years back, Rose had fallen in love with Finn, but it was unrequited.

Probably because Finn was interested in Rey.

She hated that it made her life sound like a teen drama airing on CW. Rey liked things to be simple. Feelings weren’t simple. It’s why she avoided having them.

“I’ll tell him later,” she promised. “I gotta go!”

She flew to the shower, getting ready in record time. Her hair was as combed as it could be, tied in another bun. The meeting would be in an hour, but she was going to take the subway, so she had better be quick.

When she arrived, she was almost out of breath, but her clothes were still intact. She hoped they didn’t care that much about it. The job had to mean a lot more.

She walked through the fancy reception and went up the elevator, already daydreaming of what the job would be like. Traveling to book fairs! Meeting international editors! Discussing strategies! She probably would still have to review a lot of boring contracts, but at least there would be new challenges to face.

When she got to the office, the door was already opened. She knocked.

“Miss Knight?” The interviewer said. He was a middle-aged gentleman, nothing extraordinary about him. Gray hair, dark suit. He was hired just for doing the interviews. Rey had looked it up. “Please come in and be seated.”

“Yes, thank you.”

Rey smiled pleasantly at him, waiting for the news. The man said nothing. After holding her smile for a couple of seconds, she wondered if there was something else going on.

The man kept organizing the papers in his desk, standing in silence.

“Are we waiting for someone?” Rey asked, in the most casual tone possible. She didn’t want people to think that she was nervous. She wasn’t. If she was being called to the office again, it had to mean something.

“Yes,” the interviewer answered. Then he looked up, and someone else walked through the door.

Ben Solo came in, wearing a suit, his hair combed neatly back. Rey opened her mouth to speak, but could say nothing.

What the hell was he doing here?

“There you are,” the interviewer said. “Mr Solo, please sit. We have some news for you.”

The interviewer smiled, but Rey couldn’t gather the thoughts around her head. She looked sideways, and Ben was still there. He was just acting like nothing was wrong.

Which meant everything was very, _very_ wrong.

This was her worst nightmare.

“The good news is both of you did very well in this interview,” the man continued to say. “And we took it up to the council members. Both of you present very good points, and have solid careers.”

Rey forced herself to breathe. She did have a solid career. She worked hard all her life for this. She couldn’t believe anyone would be cruel enough to call her here just to tell her she hadn’t gotten the job. They were in the twenty-first century. They could have just e-mailed her and be done with it.

No. This _had_ to be good news.

She looked sideways at Ben, trying to see what he was thinking.

Well, if she’d gotten the job, he’d be here to see it. She could smile and gloat in his face. That would put an end to things.

Rey hated how he looked so calm. She hated that he always seemed to be in control no matter the situation. She forced herself to breathe again, and opened a smile for the interviewer. People always liked when you smiled and seemed nice. Ben couldn’t smile if she’d paid him a thousand bucks.

“We do have bad news,” the interviewer said. “We only have one position open at the company at this present time. But as we couldn’t decide through the interviews, the council decided on a more unorthodox method.”

Rey looked at him, widening her eyes. Nothing good ever came out of the word ‘unorthodox’. She knew it because her teachers had called her that when she was a child, and they never meant it like a compliment.

It was just a fancy way of saying ‘terrible’.

“What exactly do they propose?” Ben was the first to speak, again so calm.

Rey couldn’t guess where this was going, but she knew it couldn’t be something good. Her sudden feeling of happiness vanished. She’d come here victorious, but somehow she knew that it wasn’t how she was going to leave.

“A month of trial, for both of you,” the interviewer said. “You’ll be working together every day for the position, and after that, it’ll be decided.”

Rey’s stomach sank.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey walked out of the interviewing room without knowing what to say. The interviewer left them both with a smile and instructions for them to come in on Monday to start their trial period. That gave the whole weekend for her to think about it, or even just come around to the idea of what just happened.

It couldn’t be true. She expected someone else to bust in any minute now, to tell her it was just a stupid practical joke.

Except no one did that, and she just stood on the hallway of the office, in silence.

She’d barely said a ‘thank you’ to the interviewer, her mind at loss. At loss for words and for reactions. She was so stunned that she barely noticed she’d walked out of the room with Ben Solo by her side.

“So,” Ben said by her side, and Rey spun on her heels. “It looks like we’ll be seeing each other a lot.”

“This has got to be some kind of joke,” Rey replied, frowning in the general direction of the office. “They wouldn’t be this cruel.”

“Is it that bad you’ll have to work with me?”

She turned to face him. “I literally can’t think of something worse than that.”

Ben rolled his eyes. God, he looked superior even with that simple gesture. There was an aura about him, like no matter what he did, he still managed to look irritatingly good at it. It was the reason she wanted to punch him, most of the time.

That feeling never left since they went to high school together.

“I’d be careful with using the word ‘literally’,” Ben said calmly. “You know how everyone in publishing hates it.”

“Of course I know. I work here too,” she said. Stupic prick.

“Then smile, Rey,” he said, his tone just a little teasing. She really hated how normal he could make his voice sound, as if every word wasn’t a dare. “You may have a chance to get this job.”

“You know, you’re right,” she said, turning to him. “It’ll be fun getting it one month after showing you how it’s done every single day. I can almost see how good it’s going to feel. Better than just beating you at the interview.”

“I’d forgotten how ruthless you are,” he told her. “But just so you know, this job is definitely going to be mine. I’m just not going to let you win this. I’ll take what I want.”

“Yeah, how you took all your mother’s clients when you went away?” Rey snapped at him, looking up.

A shadow crossed over his face. Well, good. That’s exactly what she intended to do. This wasn’t just a simple job she wanted.

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. This is what she wanted, and she was going to take it. She wasn’t just going to let him walk all over her and sweep another thing from her hands, just because he’d been born into all of this.

Rey had worked hard. She was not going to let it be for nothing.

“That’s in the past,” Ben said. “It’s no use speaking of it now.”

“We’ll see to that,” Rey said. “I’ll tell your mother you said hi.”

Ben didn’t answer.

Rey left with a smile on her lips, knowing she’d won this round.

 

#

 

Being enemies with Ben Solo was something Rey Knight had known pretty much all her life.

He was the rich kid who came into the playground and refused to dirty his clothes and made fun of the kids like her who liked to play on the trees and get herself dirty. She remembered him making a mean comment one day, and she’d punched him so hard on the nose that it had drawn blood. Ben had run back to his mother, clutching his nose, poiting to where Rey was seated on top of a tree, her legs dangling in the air, her knees dirty with the playground’s sand.

It was how it all started.

After the playground, it was the school. Both of them were always competing against each other—in the athletics team, for grades, for scholarships. Rey always needed the scholarships, Ben had good grades just because he wanted to. She couldn’t be annoyed at him for liking to study, which made her dislike for him even worse. She couldn’t justify it. They were always clashing.

In high school, it almost became unbearable. They were always fighting, and although Rey had lessened on the punching, he still always left her with an irritating and frustrating sensation she couldn’t quite place. It was in the parties, the science lab, even the goddamn model UN where they’d both tore each other to pieces to the point where the teachers had to banish model UN from their school. She remembered coming home and wanting to scream into her pillow, because no matter what she did, she couldn’t truly win.

In college, thankfully, they’d managed not to bump into each other. But then Rey got her first job in publishing, and things had changed. She went to work for his mother’s company, and then Rey learned that Ben had left a bitter taste in that too. He’d changed publishing companies and taken all his mom’s best authors with him. It was a betrayal that none of them took too kindly.

Obviously, as years progressed, Rey had run into him again, but she avoided talking as much as possible. There was always that sensation that something was unfinished, as if all at once, she was back in high school all over again, and Ben was as irritating as ever. She thought she’d had her problem solved. Nemesis were for teenagers, really.

Except that now they were here again, almost back to the way things had begun. Competing for the same position, and having to talk to each other every single day. This was worst than all of her nightmares put together.

But she wouldn’t let him win. She wouldn’t. She’d finish this once and for all.

That job was hers.

She would make him lose. No matter what it cost.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of set-up and I'm sooooo excited for the story to actually begin. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to bookmark/subscribe/leave kudos. Thanks for reading!

Rey showed up at the bar on Friday evening thinking about a plan. She wasn’t just going to do it as she went. She had to set up a strategy. She couldn’t think Ben was an unworthy opponent—he wasn’t. He was her enemy of a lifetime, and she had to concede that he would fight too. Rey was just going to be better than him.

When Rose greeted her at her usual table, Rey noticed there were other people there, too.

Finn rose first. “Hey, I heard you got the job. Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” she said. She noticed Finn wasn’t trying to hug her, and she thanked him silently for it. This was already awkward enough without anyone making it harder.

They kept looking at each other, the silence lingering between them. Maybe she should’ve listened to Rose and talked to him before it got too out of hand. He was her friend. It wasn’t supposed to be hard talking to friends.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Finn asked, and Rey nodded quietly.

Rose and Poe sat back down at the table, and Rey stood to the side, hands in her pockets.

“I don’t want it to be awkward between us,” Rey rushed to say. “I know this isn’t perfect, but it’s just…”

“You don’t feel the same way, I get it,” Finn said. “And that’s okay. I kind of wanted to talk to you about this. I’m not bringing it up again, and I wanted you to know that I don’t want for us to stop being friends.”

Rey smiled at him in relief. Well, at least she still got her friend back.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“No need to apologize,” Finn replied. “Really. I’m glad you’re honest with me.”

Finn offered her a hand, and they shook on it. Rey didn’t feel a sinking to her stomach, so that was a good sign. Maybe things were going to be all right after all.

Rey smiled at him, and Finn smiled back.

They both went to sit back down at the table, and Poe was already settled in, one arm over Finn’s seat, taking up as much space as he could.

“So congratulations, dear Rey,” he said with a smile. “You got the job.”

“Actually, it’s a bit of a mess,” Rey said, sliding into the seat. “Someone else is competing for the position.”

Poe gestured so the waiter would get them all drinks. Rey waited for her own beer, still tapping her fingers against the table. When the waiter brought the drinks, she took a big gulp.

“What do you mean?” Rose said. “I thought the e-mail was pretty clear.”

“So did I,” Rey said. “But it turns out they want to have a trial period. Both of us competing for the same position.”

“I haven’t failed to notice you didn’t say who the other person was,” Poe said.

Rey and Poe had met while Rey was working in Organa Editions. Poe was easygoing, and easily Leia’s favorite editor, even though his taste was a bit strange. He was nice and fun to talk to, and he knew every gossip there was to know about anyone in the publishing industry. Anyone, ever. Poe was also ridiculously charming, a fact that did not went unnoticed. People couldn’t help telling him everything when he asked, batting his eyelashes.

Poe called it the power of the charming smile, and Rey learned not to underestimate it.

“It’s He Who Must Not be Named,” Rey said.

“No. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Poe said, his voice rising so much that several tables turned to look at him. “I’m serious, Rey. That can’t be true.”

“I’m sorry, who?” Finn asked.

“Ben Solo,” Poe replied, musing. “I hadn’t heard that name in a long time.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Rose snapped at him. “We all know you hear it all the time. Stop being dramatic.”

“Can’t a guy just pretend and look cool?” Poe asked, shaking his head. “Either way, that can’t be good. You know his career is a killer, right? That guy is basically a shark.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Rey told him. “He’s just a pompous prick who has never had his ass handed to him.”

“Yeah, because no one can do it,” Poe pointed out. “Look, I don’t want to discourage you. You’re my friend and I’ll miss you. But you know your job in Organa is safe if you want to come back to us.”

“Thanks, Poe. But I don’t think Organa is always going to be my place.”

Poe shrugged, taking another gulp of his beer.

“Look, I can deal with this,” Rey said, trying to regain her confidence. “I just have to know how to work around him. And make sure he loses _everything_.”

“That’s menacing,” Finn finally spoke up. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Rey said. She drank another gulp of her beer. “I’m dedicating my whole life and existence to hating Ben Solo. And I’d like him to know that.”

Rose burst out laughing, and even Finn managed a smile, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to be so intense about it,” Finn said.

“This is the job I wanted my whole life,” Rey replied. “I worked so hard for this. I’m not just letting him waltz in and take it just because he was born into this business.”

“Good,” Poe said. “Make him pay. Make his life into a living hell, and make him regret literally all of the decisions he has ever made.”

Finn looked between Poe and Rey, as if unsure of what he was hearing. Rey locked eyes with Poe and they both nodded their heads in a silent agreement.

“You guys need to chill a little.”

“I’m chill,” Poe said. “It’s just that I like people getting what they deserve. And no, this has nothing to do with that friend of his, Hux.”

Rey laughed. “I wasn’t even remembering that.”

“It was an embarrassing moment for all that were involved and we’d like to forget about it,” Poe declared. “I have steered away from white men after that, and I highly recommend you all do the same.”

The whole table burst out in laughter. Rose raised her glass first.

“To Rey,” she said. “And kicking Ben Solo’s ass.”

“To Rey,” they all echoed, Rey with a smile on her lips.

Rey drank it, and reveled in all the possible victories she was going to have.

This was going to be fun.


	5. Chapter 5

On Monday morning, Rey woke up bright and early. The sun was shining outside, a rare morning where everything felt great. She put on one of her best clothes, a light gray dress that had pockets and the hem was embroidered with white and yellow flowers, and decided to leave her hair hanging down, reaching to her shoulders. She cheked herself in the mirror, and gave an approving nod.

The weekend had gone by too fast, but Rey wasn’t deterred. She’d start her new job, and she was going to win this position. It was hers. She’d worked hard for it, and she’d not back down.

“Looking good this morning, Knight,” Ben said by way of greeting. “How are you?”

She sighed out loud, turning to look at him. He was wearing an all-black suit. In a sunny day. Obviously.

The worst part is that it looked good on him. How dare that suit, pressed so nicely, look so good in the body of her one true enemy? This shouldn’t be fair. If she wanted to look half as good, Rey would have to wake up hours before and iron all her clothes, and even then it wouldn’t happen.

Maybe she could just ask him for the name of the place he washed his clothes in. Maybe someone pressed them for him. He had to have some sort of secret regarding this clothes. Rey couldn’t think up of a single straight white guy who bothered with his clothes as much as him, or that looked good in them.

She hated that she’d been thinking about his suit for at least five minutes now.

“I was better when you hadn’t showed up,” Rey replied.

“That’s an overused line,” he said. “You need to practice, Knight.”

“Is that what you tell yourself in the mirror every morning?”

He only turned to her, but didn’t come up with a response. Rey gave him her brightest smile.

“I’m going to win this, you know,” she told him. “It’s just a matter of you accepting what’s going to come sooner rather than later.”

 

#

 

She was not going to win this.

God, they’d given her contracts, that first morning. Her new boss, Ms. Kanata, was a wonderful person. She was so interesting and practical and she knew so much about the world and she’d gone to the most amazing places. And she was barely over fifty. She definitely did not look like she was fifty, her black skin smooth and her hair cropped short in a modern yet simple haircut. Rey wanted this woman’s life for her.

Except if that life involved contracts. There was no way Rey was going to get through them all, and she knew she must—it was part of her plan. Because she not only had to beat Ben Solo, she had to actually prove she could do her job.

“We’re going out for lunch,” Ms Kanata announced as she popped into the small office they’d separated for Rey. “Don’t stay too late doing this.”

“Sure,” Rey said. “Thanks so much.”

Ms Kanata smiled and vanished. It was almost easy being here. She liked the office. It was big and spacious, and it was surrounded by books. Rey loved reading ever since she was a child, and she always went to the library once a week with the orphanage’s tutor so she could pick more books. When she was twelve, she’d had read the whole juvenile section of the library, and she kept hungering for more. It was how she’d decided that she wanted to work in publishing.

Well, her and everyone else. No one really hated reading in publishing, though most people did say “I hate reading” every once in a while by the sheer amount of books that always seemed to be piling up on the corners of everyone’s homes.

Rey finished proof-reading the contract and making the rest of the notes so she could send it back. When she looked up, Ben was at the door. She glowered at him.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Inviting you to lunch, like a civilized person,” he replied. “I’m not sure you know what civilized means.”

“Very funny,” Rey snapped. She looked around, in the hopes of finding someone else, but her stomach sank again when she found the rest of the office empty. It was only the first day here, of course she wouldn’t get invited to lunch with anybody. And of course they’d all leave to go somewhere and she’d stay back.

Rey stared sulkily at the paper in her desk.

“So what is this? You’re going to try to poison me?”

Ben waited, looking at her for a second. She didn’t like his expression. Rey always knew how to read people. She’d grown up in an orphanage and it was one of the best skills she had. It helped her survive. But she could never tell what he was thinking across the years, and it irritated her to no end. The small scar that ran under his right eye was healed, and his expression remained undecipherable.

“I actually can’t tell if you’re joking,” he finally said.

“I was,” Rey said. “But it did cross my mind.”

“Poisoning me?”

“Several times,” she agreed. She got her purse. “We can go together to lunch, but we’ll never speak of this again.”

He looked her up and down.

“Fine by me,” he said.

 

#

 

Lunch was as awkward as Rey thought it would be.

At the same time, this was the perfect opportunity. She hadn’t been in contact with Ben ever since high school. She’d seen him a couple of times, of course, in events and when she couldn’t avoid him, but it hadn’t spiked up the same feeling of rivalry of when they were children. Which was good, since she wasn’t exactly a child anymore, so this didn’t make sense.

Except that now they were competing for exactly the same thing. Rey knew that it was better to sort out the weaknesses of her opponent so she could use them.

Ben chose an Italian restaurant, small and cozy, neutral ground for both of them. He hated fish, that she remembered (once there had been a middle-school prank involving an aquarium), and Rey deeply disliked anything that was spicy. Rey picked a lasagna, Ben picked a tagliarini, and both of them sat in sulky silence, staring at each other from across the table.

“Should I ask how much you want this job?” He finally said, after they’d been in silence long enough for it to be awkward.

“A lot,” Rey said. She drank from her water. She tried not to stare into his eyes. Staring into his eyes humanized her enemy. “But it doesn’t matter either way, because you’re not backing down just because I want the job.”

“Definitely not,” he answered, almost in a happy tone. “I like healthy competition. It makes things more interesting.”

“That’s troubling.”

He gave a small shrug. “Are you afraid?”

Rey didn’t answer.

“Don’t be,” he said.

“Well, I’m not,” she replied. “First because I know I’m going to win this job. I worked hard for it, harder than you ever did. So yes, I think I deserve it, and they’ll see that too.”

Ben didn’t answer for a second. “You’re still very competitive.”

“As if it wouldn’t bring you joy to win this job over me,” she said with a sneer. “I know you well enough.”

“That’s more than most people.”

She frowned. It almost sounded like flirting, when he put it that way. She couldn’t have that.

“I’m not having any more of your You-need-a-teacher bullshit,” Rey said. “I put up with it enough in school, and didn’t it teach you a thing or two?”

“Yes, to never offer help to you ever again.”

He smiled, just slightly. He didn’t show his teeth. It was just a small tug in the corner of his mouth, as if he found her amusing. Rey didn’t like to think that she was being amusing, especially because in this case it meant he was laughing at her.

“We need to settle ground rules,” he said.

Rey snorted. “You’re such a nerd. Rules for what?”

“For the competition. It’s the same job, and one of us is going to get it, and the other is not allowed to be bitter.”

“All right, and?”

“No poisoning,” Ben added, “I’m not sure how serious you were on that one. Not throwing food at each other’s clothes.”

Rey snorted again, almost laughing. That was an idea she had, though she doubted it was very fair. Also, it was still very middle school.

“Okay,” Rey said. “Is that it?”

“Yes, I think all the others seem fair. Any rules of your own?”

Rey waited in thought. She looked at the man in front of her, the boy she’d grown up with and that had always been her Archnemesis. Maybe this could actually be fun. Instead of just hating on the competition, maybe it was time for her to end this rivalry once and for all.

Because she was definitely winning this bet.

“No falling in love with me,” she said in a joke.

This time, Ben actually snorted. “It won’t be a problem.”

Rey raised her glass of water, and Ben raised hers to a toast. They clinked their glasses, the sound echoing in the empty restaurant.

“May the best person win,” she said.

They both drank while staring into each other’s eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Making Ben Solo’s life into hell was fun.

She first registered his work e-mail into every single possible spam account and mailing she could think of. It was funny watching him across the office, jumping at every single e-mail notification, only to realize it was a shoe sale or SAVE THE WHALES. She made sure to register his phone as well, though it got tired quick. On Thursday morning, she sent him flowers, and everyone on the office complimented how pretty they looked and asked who they were from. Ben, to his credit, took all of it very well, but he didn’t retaliate.

Rey was starting to worry.

She had made no new friends in the office. There were a couple of assistant editors who’d become friendly, but they also knew she wasn’t sticking around for long. Or at least, no one seemed eager to make friends while everybody was uncertain of who’d be their new boss, of sorts. Rey didn’t even try to approach them after she overheard some people talking near the bathroom about the job.

Well, at least she didn’t have to be distracted. She could simply focus on her work and make sure that Ben Solo wasn’t doing his.

When the invitation to the dress-up cocktail party arrived, Rey wondered if that was a joke. But then Ms Kanata came into the office and told Rey to be there, so at least she didn’t show up dressed like a fool. That still left her the question of what exactly she was planning to wear.

Which was nothing. She had nothing to wear for this occasion.

Quietly, she went over to Ben’s table to check on how he was doing. The flowers were still there, taking half of the space of his desk.

“They’re quite exuberant,” Ben said, without looking up from his computer. He sneezed when Rey moved the flowers. “I’m not sure you should spend that much money on this.”

“I think they look nice,” Rey replied. “I can take them home if you don’t want to.”

“No, they’re my flowers now.”

“Huh, weirdly possessive. I didn’t know that about you.”

“There’s not a lot you know about me,” Ben reminded her. He finally tore his gaze away from the computer, and looked up at her. “I did check the invitation, just to make sure it wasn’t another of your pranks.”

“Cocktail parties don’t suit my prank style,” Rey replied. “You’re coming?”

“I feel like it might be mandatory,” Ben said. “There wasn’t an option implied. What are you doing here, exactly?”

“Came to check in on you.”

Ben looked up, frowning slightly. It was an interesting expression on him. Rey liked it.

Wait. She was not supposed to like anything in Ben Solo’s face. It was in the guidebook.

“Why? Are you concerned about possible retaliation?”

Rey didn’t let herself falter. “No. I’m expecting it.”

“It’ll come in its own time,” he said. “I’ll see you at the party.”

The way he said the words made her knees a little weak. She’d have to come up with her own plan to sabotage him at the party. She couldn’t rest a moment.

 

#

 

Rey had gone shopping, though she couldn’t find anything suitable to wear to that goddamn cocktail party. It was as if the city was defying her will and purpose of going, and there was nothing she could do.

When she got back to the apartment, with only a couple of hours left to spare to the party, she’d fallen into a pit of desperation in which she refused to sink further into. She could just wear one of her old black dresses. It was fine. No one was going to notice it anyway.

Except they would. They definitely would, because she was to be presented to all the other foreign editors and important clients, and anyone else she might need to impress.

Rey got inside the small apartment, and then she noticed the box on the table.

“Rose?” She asked loudly, waiting to see if her roommate was at home. “Did you get something in the mail?”

Rose showed up at the kitchen wearing pajama bottoms. Rose was a remote IT technician, and Rey kind of envied her that she always could work in whatever clothes she wanted. Rey had liked fixing computers and cars when she was younger, but then she’d left the hobby behind.

“Actually, it’s yours,” Rose said. “Arrived a couple of hours ago.”

“I didn’t order anything.”

“I know, you’re the least compulsive buyer of our generation. I’m frankly amazed you never get packages.”

Rey laughed at that, and opened the box.

“Paige is here,” Rose told her. “She was curious too.”

“Huh. Pass me the knife.”

Rey opened the box with caution, still wondering what it was. She didn’t remember ordering anything besides books, and she’d promised herself she was going to stop doing that too because she never got time to read the ones she already had. Though she supposed that’s what every compulsive buyer told themselves.

Inside the box was a dress.

Rey blinked. “I didn’t order this.”

“Oooh, it’s red,” Rose said, picking it up. “It’s definitely your size.”

Rey looked at it for a few seconds, her brain finally connecting the ideas together. Paige walked into the kitchen, leaning against the counter, and Rose showed the dress. Rey picked up the box, and searched for any kind of delivery notice or anything at all that would give the box away. But there was nothing besides the dress.

She didn’t like how this was going.

“Rey, come on,” Rose said. “Try it on. You can wear it tonight. Weren’t you on the hunt for a dress to the cocktail party anyway?”

“Yeah, but what are the odds of one showing up when I need it?” Rey asked.

She eyed the dress in Rose’s hands. This couldn’t be good. There was definitely something up with that.

Rey picked it from Rose’s hands, putting it in front of her body. It was a blood red dress with a sweet neckline. It wasn’t too dashing, which was good—she didn’t want to draw too much attention to herself—but it was still very beautiful, with a rich red fabric.

“I can’t wear this,” Rey said. “I think I know who sent it.”

Rose narrowed her eyes. “He wouldn’t send you a dress.”

“Oh, he would,” Rey said. “We should get it to a lab. It probably has itching powder or something.”

Paige exchanged a glance with Rose.

“So, who are we talking about again?” Paige asked casually.

“Ben Solo,” Rey replied. “God, of course he would send this dress just to mess with me. Even if it doesn’t have anything in it, I’m still going to spend the whole night wondering why he would do this. It’s an evil move.”

“You’re overthinking things,” Rose said.

“I’m not wearing it,” Rey said.

Paige picked it up, then let out a low whistle.

“You should,” Paige said. “I know the price of this dress. My girlfriend bought one for her sister’s engagement party, and I actually saw the label.”

“Then we’re returning it,” Rey said adamantly.

“Why?” Rose asked. “Honestly, the best thing you could do, if he did send you the dress, was to wear it. Make sure he spent an outrageous amount of money on a stupid bet.”

Rey looked at the dress doubtfully. Her mind was racing with the possibilities. There could definitely be something up with the dress, and it was just too much of a coincidence for it to show up here.

She picked up her phone and dialed a number.

“You have his phone number?” Rose asked.

“I stole his phone this morning to mess with it,” Rey replied, then put a finger to her lips. It was ringing.

“Rey, maybe you’re taking this too far.”

“It’s not too far,” Rey replied. “It’s normal. I just installed a bunch of ridiculous games so it’ll slow it down and have no memory. Nothing too weird.”

“That is bordering on obsession.”

“Shut up,” Rey said. “That’s not what this is, and… Hi!”

She walked over to the other room while Paige and Rose were still arguing something at her back. Of course neither of them would understand this. The Tico sisters were too nice. They were both great people, and they didn’t understand that sometimes competition got a little dirty.

“Hello,” Ben’s voice said on the other side of the line. His voice was even deeper on the phone. God, why? Why must people she hated be blessed with such good things? “Who is this?”

“This is your enemy speaking. I just want to know whether you sent a dress to my apartment.”

A pause. She _knew_ it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I thought the rules said not to mess with each other’s clothes.”

“The rule was about food in the other’s clothes.”

“Ha, so you admit it!”

“Admit to what?”

Rey sighed, frustrated.

“Okay, did you or did you not send the dress to my apartment?” She asked. “How do you even know where I live?”

“I could also ask you how you got this number, but I think by the sheer amount of versions of Angry Birds I’ve had to disinstall tells me the answer. Stealing phones is illegal.”

“I handed it back to you,” she said without pausing a beat. “You’re not going to tell me, right?”

“As I said, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re frustrating.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s what enemies are for,” he replied on the other side. Rey could almost hear his smile as he said it. Then she tried to hack the image to pieces in her mind. It wasn’t good if he was smiling. He was supposed to be crying, defeated. “I’ll see you tonight.”

He hung up.

Rey stared at her phone for a couple of seconds, still in disbelief. Well, she could not wear the dress. Or she could wear it to ruin his life, while triumphing over him. Paige was probably right—it had cost a lot of money, and she’d make sure it was money well spent.

It wasn’t much of a choice, really.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack is a complete rando I created to serve the purpose of this narrative and I just couldn't really bother trying to relate him to any SW character at all. So.

Rey wore the dress.

It really bothered her that it fit so well. She had examined it to make sure it wasn’t going to tear apart in the first opportunity, which could be one of Ben’s plan so she’d have to run away from the party fast and leave her duties behind. There was no sign of itching powder that she could see, and in the end, Rose was right—if she wore it, Ben wouldn’t be able to return it. His loss for spending so much money on this.

She finally finished dressing and gave a spin in the mirror. It looked good. The dress fit her form perfectly, and it left her shoulders bare, and the neckline plunged a little. The skirt itself was a ballerina model, and it wasn’t too short but not too long. It really did fit her too well. Rey tried not to think too much about it or the fact that Ben Solo knew what her body looked like as she hailed a cab in the street, getting to the event on time.

The annual cocktail party to celebrate the authors and partners of the publishing group was held in one of the fanciest hotels in town. Rey got out of the car and showed her invitation and they let her in. The hall was wide with crystal chandeliers and marble floors, and Rey followed the stairs meekly to the saloon.

Inside, the party was already happening and over a hundred people were wearing their best clothes with drinks in hand. She gulped down. Rey had never been too good in such events. She was okay at conferences—she could speak easily to people, and then she’d just leave. It was part of her job. But she didn’t think that going to parties like this were exactly the type of thing she would have to face.

Rey clutched her purse and dove straight to a waiter with a glass of champagne, hoping that holding the glass was going to be enough for her to mingle. She didn’t spot any familiar faces. Well, faces she knew, for sure. There was a woman who was a thriller bestseller who Rey loved deeply, but she just couldn’t approach her as a fan. She also spotted the editor who’d made one of the most famous acquisitions of the decade, who was said to have an incredible mind and really good ideas.

She drank a little of the champagne, but it didn’t exactly ease down her nerves. Instead, she continued to sip from the glass, neglected to a dark corner of the room where she didn’t exactly have to think about it too much. Rey spent almost half an hour like this, when she finally saw someone she knew.

Ben was standing at the foot of the stairs. He looked up at where she was, and opened his mouth a little. He was frowning just slightly, looking at her in the dress. Did he think she was not going to wear it? Tough luck. She was owning to it now.

She scowled, and he came up. He stood in front of her, wearing a dark blue suit and a black tie. The scar under his cheek was lit up by the light, and when he noticed she was looking, he turned the other way.

“So, having fun?” He asked. “I like the dress.”

“Yes. You won’t be able to return it now.”

“Who said that was my intention?”

Rey looked down at her skirt. “I know how much this dress costs. And now I guess it’s my turn to ask if you’re not spending too much on this bet. And what is your purpose with this dress?”

Ben took a gulp of his own drink. “Who is to say?”

“Maybe someone else is going to wear it tonight and you knew,” Rey said. Speculating theories about his plans kept her calm in a strange way. Instead of focusing on the crowd ahead, she just needed to focus right here. “I’m wearing the same dress as the CEO.”

“She’s a seventy six year old lady, I doubt she’d be wearing that.”

“Don’t be so old-fashioned,” Rey reprimanded him. Then she noticed another person looking at her and the dress. And it wasn’t just them looking at her and passing on. It was something different. She thought she’d looked good enough, but then… “Was your plan for me to sleep with someone at this party because I look hot and then lose my job?”

Ben choked on his drink.

Rey looked at him, but then started going red as he tried to regain his breath. Rey slapped his back a little harder than she needed to until he finally regained his breath.

“Is this really what you think?” Ben asked, his voice so small, almost like he was afraid to voice the words. “That would be low.”

“I don’t know,” Rey said honestly. “I’m asking you.”

“I never thought of this possibility.”

“Solo, you’re a prude, I’m sorry to inform you,” Rey said. “Hey, maybe this is how you’re going to lose. You won’t have the nerve to talk to anyone at the party.”

“I thought that this was your problem, Knight.”

Rey opened her mouth to retort, but kept quiet, blushing just slightly.

“I have nerves,” she said. “I’m just waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

Rey shrugged. “I mean, I just…”

She looked around at the party, at all the others chatting. Authors who knew each other, editors who had worked together for ages and were catching up. This was a party meant for people who belonged, and Rey felt like she was just at the edge, still trying to carve her way inside. And she wasn’t sure she could.

Ben turned to her. “I dare you.”

Rey looked up at him. “What?”

“I dare you,” he repeated the words. “Go out there. Introduce yourself. Talk to people.”

“No. No way.”

“All right,” Ben said. “I never thought you were a coward.”

Rey looked at the party. She picked someone she knew from the crowd. He was an old writer of murder mystery, some that she read as a young girl. He was drinking by himself. She could introduce herself. She could do that.

Ben was waiting for her to move, a half-daring smirk on his lips. She was going to wipe it off.

“Fine,” Rey said. “Hold my glass.”

She marched downstairs, crossing the hall. She didn’t think about all the important people surrounding her, or about what she was going to say. She solely thought about Ben Solo’s face when he dared her, and she was going to show that Rey Knight was definitely not a coward. By the time she started talking to the writer in front of her, her fears had eased away, the tension dissipating, and she could just talk like a normal person.

And it was so easy. Rey didn’t know why she had made such a fuss over something as simple as talking. The writer introduced her to a colleague, and then an editor, and soon enough she was talking to a whole group of people. It was easy, and it was fun. The night slowly started to pass, and Rey felt more easy with each minute, and nothing was going wrong that night.

A little after midnight, Ben found her again, or more like she found him. She bumped into another circle, and there he was, standing tall again. He was a lot more than a head taller than her, and she was wearing heels. It was a little bit ridiculous. She was going to introduce herself to the other people in the circle when she recognized the other person right next to her.

Oh no.

Not here.

“Rey Knight?” Jack asked. “I haven’t seen you in years!”

“Oh, hi, Jack,” she said, all her happiness now sucked into a bubble that she couldn’t find anymore. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Yeah,” she said, pausing. “I didn’t know you were here either.”

She hated how confused her voice sounded. And not only confused, but a little high-pitched. Seeing her ex-boyfriend here was the last thing she wanted.

Especially an ex-boyfriend who had been a complete jerk.

“So, are you by yourself?”

Rey started to panic, sweat running through her back. She didn’t want him to start talking to her again. It was the last thing she wanted, for Jack to see her here, alone, after he’d said all those things to her those years back—and worse, to maybe even try sticking with her for this stupid party.

She needed a quick way out.

So she took the first thing her brilliant mind came up with.

Rey grabbed Ben’s arm next to her and turned.

“Actually, no,” she said. “Have you met my boyfriend?”


	8. Chapter 8

Rey felt Ben stiffen by her side suddenly, and he turned just slightly to her.

“I’m sorry?” He asked.

She eyed him for a second. This was the most stupid idea she’d ever had. Definitely. It wasn’t even in competition with her other ideas. It was so stupid that it opened a whole new sect of possibilities. She looked up at Ben, pleading with her eyes. But not too much. She wasn’t going to show that much weakness.

He didn’t say anything. That was a start.

“My boyfriend,” she repeated, almost choking on the words, as she grasped Ben Solo’s arm. “Ben.”

“Hi,” Jack said, raising his eyebrows slightly. He offered his hand to Ben, and Ben shook it in silence. “I had no idea you were dating someone, Rey.”

“Well, it happens,” she said, trying to plaster a smile on her face, though it was getting hard.

She knew she couldn’t just shove Ben away and pretend to have never touched him, that just wouldn’t work, but Jack’s face was also punchable. He sounded almost amused that she was holding on to Ben tightly. Rey felt her fingernails digging into him, just to stop herself from doing something drastic to Jack. Which she should have done ages ago. Though she was a grown up now. Young Rey had solved her problems by punching people in the playground. Older Rey, unfortunately, couldn’t have that pleasure.

“How did you two meet?”

“Work,” Ben replied, sparing her from another embarrassing moment. “I’m sorry, you are..?”

He left the question hanging, raising an eyebrow just slightly. Rey could almost rejoice that he’d embarrassed Jack, except for the fact that she was now realizing that she’d owe Ben somehow. She wished she hadn’t thought of this plan so suddenly, or that she hadn’t been caught by surprise by her stupid ex-boyfriend. Talk of being caught between a rock and a hard place. Either outcome was terrible.

“I’m Jack,” Jack said. “Rey’s ex-boyfriend. She didn’t mention me?”

Ben looked at her for one second, and Rey looked back up. She set her jaw. But then she realized he was kind of enjoying this moment. There was some amusement in his eyes. Rey gripped his arm tighter, and Ben winced.

“No, not really,” he finally said, turning to Jack again. “I think we just never went into these conversations.”

“Oh, I see,” Jack said, staring at the two of them. Rey didn’t let go of Ben’s arm. She smiled sharply at Jack. “It’s a nice coincidence seeing you here.”

“It sure is,” Rey said. _I hope it never happens again_ , Rey added mentally.

“Sorry,” Ben said. “We need to be going, right, love?”

Rey looked up at him and smiled while imagining she was slowly killing him. Of course he'd make up a pet name. Only fair that she used one, too. “Yes, _honey_. Nice seeing you, Jack.”

“Oh, nice seeing you too,” he replied. “Hey, you’re coming to our college reunion party, right? Five years of graduating?”

Rey cursed herself inwardly. She’d deleted the e-mail. Not that she hated her college classmates, of course she didn’t. She just really hated going to these types of things. There was no point to college graduation reunions. They were barely five years out of college!

“Yes,” Rey finally said through gritted teeth. “I’ll be there.”

“And bring Ben,” Jack said. “There’ll definitely be more people around.”

Rey stood mortified, looking at Ben. There was panic in her eyes.

And he read it so, so well.

“I’ll be there,” Ben said, a pleasant smile reaching his lips. “We’ll see you soon.”

Ben nodded his head toward Jack, and turned them away, with Rey still hanging on his arm. Rey didn’t want to glance back in case Jack was still looking, so she didn’t let go of Ben’s arm. Slowly, she slid her hand to his, and he held it there. His hand was a lot bigger than her own, and she felt an electric charge as she touched it. As soon as they were out in the hotel’s balcony, she let go.

She turned around to face Ben.

But surprisingly, instead of amusement or even mocking her for what just happened, he seemed concerned.

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” Rey replied, a little annoyed at his reaction. On any normal day, he would have made so much fun of her, and she’d rather get struck by lightening than having to make up some story about Ben Solo being her boyfriend again. What was she thinking? “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You told him I was your boyfriend. I’m assuming you were abducted or just gotten sick suddenly.”

“Hah. I wish.”

“So we’re back to being enemies,” Ben replied with a small smile. It was strange, how he almost never smiled. There was something about his eyes that she was noticing only now. Almost as if they were constantly fighting against something. “I’m going to charge you next time for playing your boyfriend.”

“Oh, don’t start.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You realize you didn’t have to pretend I was your boyfriend or anything at all.”

“You don’t get it,” Rey said. “It’s just…”

Jack had been her first real boyfriend. Rey hadn’t had a lot of those, and it was the first time she was trying new things and new experiences, and she’d really liked him. And she’d tried hard, so hard, and in the end it just hadn’t been enough.

She’d never told anyone the reason they’d broke up.

“He told me no one was going to love me because I always chose my career,” she finally said out loud, just wanting to get the words out. She looked at Ben, biting her lower lip, not believing she’d just let it out. Something she’d been holding on for the last couple of years, not wanting anyone else to know.

Looking back at Jack, she wanted to prove a point. Maybe a stupid point. But a point that she didn’t always have to be alone just because she loved her job and her career.

“He said that?” Ben repeated, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“Yeah,” Rey said. For some reason, telling someone who didn’t know everything about her felt easier. Her friends knew how she’d grown up, how much she cared for her job and her career and how important all of it was to her. She was just so ashamed to admit that this had been the reason they’d broken up.

Because, apparently, she couldn’t deal with both.

Rey liked romances as much as the next person. Sometimes, on happier days, she’d catch herself imagining one of those futures with a fairytale wedding or a ridiculous dress, or meeting a tall dark stranger while on a trip to Italy. It was one of those silly things she indulged herself in from time to time. But in the end, if it was a choice, she’d always choose her job.

Jack had made her feel like there was something deeply wrong with her for choosing that.

“Actually,” Ben finally said, “You should go over there and toss a glass of wine on his shirt.”

Rey laughed. “I could, for sure. I wish I could punch people still. Things were easier then.”

“For you,” Ben said. “You almost broke my nose.”

Rey smiled at the memory.

“You know it’s stupid, right?” He finally said. Their gaze met for a moment, but he quickly averted it, as if he didn’t want to talk about it either. As if Rey knew she was exposing some kind of weakness, and both of them wanted to go back to simply ignoring it. “That it’s not a choice.”

“I think I know now,” Rey replied.

“Good,” Ben said. “If I’m going to lose this job, I’d rather it be to someone who takes it as serious as I do.”

Rey looked at him for a second, a smile on her lips. It did sound like a compliment, though she didn’t think he was about to admit it.

“So you’re already thinking about losing.”

“Don’t start, Knight,” Ben said. “You still owe me one for playing your boyfriend.”

“It was only five minutes,” she complained.

“But it won’t be in your college reunion party,” he reminded her.

“You don’t have to go to that. In fact, we can pretend you’re sick.”

“You said no poisoning.”

“We can _pretend_ , focus on pretend.”

“Oh no, I’m definitely going.”

He smiled triumphantly. Rey grimaced. Maybe there wasn’t anything in the dress, but there was still hell to pay for coming here and her stupid idea.

Ben turned and went back to the party. She didn’t know whether it was good that he was gone, or if she was going to miss that small moment of sincerity between them. The party must be really affecting her.

She really wasn’t going to miss Ben Solo.


	9. Chapter 9

Thankfully, on Monday morning, everything seemed back to normal.

Rey spent the whole weekend at home trying to clean her room and separate some books she should give away, and somehow, her mind kept coming back to the conversation she had with Ben, and how she was a worthy opponent for the job. Maybe that was why this trial for the job frustrated her more than anything—because, in the end, no matter how she didn’t want to admit it, Ben was someone who could do the job as well as her.

The problem was that he couldn’t be trusted. She knew how the story went, and she would not make the mistake of trusting him again.

Of course that left Rey with the problem that she now owed him a favor. She just wished she hadn’t run into Jack, and so stupidly tried to come out on top. Owing a favor to Ben Solo seemed to be a fair price to pay for this.

She just had to be smart enough not to fall into another trap.

Rey arrived at the office normally, and went through her routine. Ms Kanata had told her to follow the schedule, and today nothing was out of the ordinary. She went through her work for hours, reading and catching up on a list she needed to sort for the Fair that was happening next week, and all the titles she needed to sort.

Rey was startled when she looked up and Ben was standing in front of her desk.

“What do you want?”

“Did you just send the list by e-mail?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a frown. “Of course I did. It’s my job.”

He looked at her for a few moments, and Rey waited for him to say something. He was wearing black again. She wondered if that was the only color his wardrobe contained. She didn’t think she’d actually ever seen him wear anything other than black pants and black jackets.

“I think you might want to check it again.”

Rey frowned, opening her e-mail once again. It was weird, him coming to her table like that. She suspected a prank of some kind, though it didn’t seem like his style. Truth be told, Rey didn’t know if she really understood what exactly was his prank style. The dress turned out to be fine, after all, and all she did was stay paranoid the whole night that something was going to happen.

Granted, she’d also fallen into the trap of having him invited to the stupid college reunion.

“Is this one of your mind games?” She asked, looking up.

“I don’t really play mind games.”

“Don’t you? How about the dress? That was just so I could stay paranoid all day, and still am paranoid. Or is the bill going to show up at my house eventually, and then I’ll have to pay?” She stopped, thinking about the dress. “Oh my god. I hope not. I haven’t even finished paying my student loans.”

Ben waited for her to be done.

“Is it?” She asked again, widening her eyes. “Get out of my head.”

She turned back to the computer, and then she noticed what had happened. She hadn’t actually sent the list to Ms Kanata.

Instead, she had sent the prank she was going to send to Ben.

Oh no. This was bad.

“I actually noticed because I got the list instead,” he said quietly. “So you might want to fix this.”

Oh my god. Maybe Rose was right and she was taking things too far.

“I can’t believe this,” Rey said, running towards Ms Kanata’s office. Maybe she hadn’t had the time to check her e-mail. Maybe she would actually never open it and never find out what Rey had done.

“There might be a lesson to be learned here.”

“Shut up, Solo.”

She got up quickly from the table, checking if anyone else would notice her absence. Then she ran into Ms Kanata’s office. Thankfully, it was empty. Ben came right behind her, and Rey closed the door. She brushed her hair out of her forehead, thinking hard and fast.

Rey just needed to wipe out any evidences that there had ever been an e-mail on the first place. Not that hard, right?

She just couldn’t let anyone read the e-mail. What a dumb way to be fired from this job. All that because she was determined to play another prank on Ben and stop him from doing his job.

Rey hated that he was right in that too.

She took a deep breath, sitting down in Ms Kanata’s chair. If anyone caught her messing with her boss’ computer, it would be over and she could kiss this job goodbye. Probably kiss a letter of recommendation goodbye too. All in one. She hoped Poe was right and that she would always find a home in Organa Editions, even if it meant being a lowly assistant. She could handle that.

“You’re hyperventilating.”

“I’m fine,” Rey said, snapping. “Can you shut up for a minute and let me work?”

“It would have never happened if you hadn’t tried doing anything besides your job.”

“Yes, please, take the higher ground and gloat,” Rey muttered. “That’s exactly what I need right now.”

She logged into the computer and it asked her for a password. Rey held back a groan. It was definitely something she’d expected, and she hoped that she still remembered how to bypass that kind of thing from the days she liked working with computers.

Rey took a deep breath, and started to work. She changed the screen and started typing in commands so she could go through the computer’s password, and get what she needed.

Ben stood watching her. “Are you really going to hack your boss’ computer?”

“I’d rather not lose this job over something as stupid as an e-mail, thanks very much.”

“If you hadn’t sent in the first place…”

“Oh, how is this helping me?” She asked. At least talking to him kept her calm, with her mind focused in place. She started running the algorithm she needed. Thank God she still remembered how it all worked.

“I’m not supposed to be helping you,” Ben replied. “In case you don’t remember, we’re running for the same job.”

She finished typing what she needed, and waited till she got a response.

“Thank God, because you’re no help at all,” she said.

“I distinctively remember you grabbing my arm for help Friday at the party.”

“I had no other choice,” Rey replied, feeling the heat flush to her cheeks. He would never let her live that down. It would be one of the most humiliating moments of her life. Presenting Ben Solo as her boyfriend. What a stupid idea. Plus, having to do it again. “Believe me, I would have asked literally anyone else before you.”

“I’m not that terrible.”

“I beg to differ,” Rey said.

Finally, a breakthrough in the computer. She found the password, and bypassed the security. Now all she needed to pray was that Ms. Kanata always left her e-mail open with a saved password. She definitely did not want to hack into her boss’ e-mails.

“How?” Ben asked. “How is it that I’ve made your life into a terrible one?”

“Do you want it listed alphabetically or in chronological order?” Rey raised an eyebrow. “I think I can compile them in both orders, for your nerdy brain to go through.”

“I’m not a nerd.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Rey said. “Maybe eventually it’ll work.”

“I’d actually like to see you try that. I’m not sure you’re that organized.”

“I am organized,” Rey almost shouted, offended. How dare he think that she was not organized. Just because her life was a little all over the place, or just because she’d been a little erratic as a younger person.

“Then do it,” he said, his voice daring her to.

“All right,” Rey said. “I’ll start at the playground incident, and then should I just do it in degrees of what matters the most?”

“I never did anything that terrible.”

“Well, you quit on Organa Editions for another job at the rival company,” Rey pointed out. “No one ever forgave you for that, remember? You took all your mom’s best clients.”

Suddenly, Ben was silent. She looked up at him to see what was wrong, but she met his eyes again—those dark eyes that she didn’t know how to place, a well that she could not find the bottom. Rey looked away, feeling like an intruder into someone else’s life.

“I quit because I didn’t want people to think I was trading on my mother’s name,” he finally said.

Rey opened her mouth, suddenly uncertain of how things were going.

“I’m—”

“Let me finish,” he said. And she did. “I quit because I don’t want people to think I got here because my mother is Leia Organa. I don’t want her name. I use my dad’s name because of that. I work hard for this, as much as you do, and it’s not about what I have or don’t have.”

He looked at her then, and Rey almost felt bad for getting into this subject in the first place. Ben pushed his hair back, exhaling frustration. When he looked again, there were no masks there.

“I know how hard you work for this job,” he said. “I know that this is important to you. But this is important to me too. Don’t think I’m doing this just because this is an area of business I was born into. I learned everything I know from my mother, but I don’t want to spend the whole life in her shadow. It’s hard enough as it is.”

Heat flushed to her cheeks and she looked down. She never thought that this was a subject that she would have to breach with him. Or something that she would feel guilty about.

Rey didn’t like that feeling of guilt that overwhelmed her now. It was easy to hate Ben because of the history they had together, because of all the times they fought for the same thing. And because he had been born into those things, and he had a good family, and a mother that loved him, and he’d turned his back to all of that. He had all the things Rey would’ve killed for, something she always wanted even when she didn’t want to admit it to herself.

Seeing him talk about all the difficulties that came with his own life was not something she was prepared for. It was life chipping away one more reason to hate him, taking away another thing of hers. Hating Ben Solo was a pretty solid feeling in her life, and Rey wasn’t exactly prepared to just let it go.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said.

Se smiled at him. Instead, he frowned.

“I don’t want your pity,” Ben said. “Go back to hating me, it’s fine that way. But I wanted you to know.”

“Okay,” Rey said. “Fine.”

She turned back to the computer and finished wiping out all the evidence that there had been an e-mail on the first place. In a second, she was done, and then she was out the door like nothing ever happened.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Rey was called to Ms Kanata’s office.

She checked the e-mail twice, just making sure she was reading it right. Then she took a deep breath, and went to walk inside the office. When she was about to knock on the door, she noticed Ben was there too, right by her side.

Oh no. She hoped this wasn’t about yesterday and the e-mail. Rey had checked twice that she had erased the whole thing, and there was no evidence that a mistake had ever been made. There was no way she was about to be fired from the job or lose her spot. Rey adjusted her jeans and walked inside, breathing deep.

She knocked. “Hi. You wanted to see me?”

Ms Kanata looked up. She was wearing a yellow dress that fit her really well. Her hair was cropped short and had no streaks of grey, though she must be well on her fifties. Her dark skin was impeccable, and there were only small crow’s nest near her eyes to indicate her age.

“Yes,” Ms Kanata replied. “Come in. You too, Ben.”

Both of them walked inside and stood side by side in front of the desk. Rey hated how much taller Ben was. She always seemed dwarfed by his side, as if she couldn’t make an impression by herself because people would undoubtedly notice the ridiculously tall man by her side.

“Look, we’ve had a problem with stocking in one of our chain bookstores,” she said. “Normally we’d have one of the assistant sales people check it out, but they’re doing an important meeting with the whole department today, so we can’t afford for them to miss it. I just need the two of you to run around these addresses and make sure everything is fine. We’re planning to hit the NYT with this one, so I just need to make sure all of it is correct. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, sure,” Rey said, without even blinking.

A second later, she realized what exactly she was agreeing to. Not just running around the city in bookstores, but running around the city with Ben. Spending the whole day with him. Rey frowned.

“Here’s the list,” Ms Kanata said. “I’m so glad to have you both on the team. Report back to me by 5pm, and everything should be sorted. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Rey answered.

She walked out of the office in silence, with Ben holding the list. She looked at it in his hands. There were just about twenty names on the list. Twenty different places she would have to visit.

“You know,” Ben said, as if hearing her own thoughts. “We could just split it halfway. You do this half, I’ll do the other half. I’ll just check which ones are on each side of town, so we don’t have to move around too much.”

“Oh, thank God,” Rey said. “The last thing I need is having to look both at the bookstores and you.”

“Good,” Ben said absent-mindedly, without even hearing her insult. Rey was almost upset he didn’t seem to be taking it too seriously. “One second and I’ll be back.”

It took him no more than ten minutes to hand out Rey a new list of bookstores to go through and their addresses.

“We meet back here to update our report,” he said. “Just to make sure we got through everything.”

“Fine, boss.”

Ben scowled, and then simply left her there. Good. Rey was not in the mood today especially.

Going through the book stores was not particularly hard. She put the address of the first one and it was only three blocks away. She walked with the list in hand, and when she got there, she introduced herself to the book seller and they had a little chat. She asked if the shipment had arrived and everything was in order and how many books there were in stock, and in twenty minutes, it was over. She checked it out from the list and went to the next one, taking a cab.

It took her all morning and most of the afternoon. When it was four pm, she finally made it back to the office, just as Ben walked inside.

“Oh, you finished yours,” he said.

“Of course I did,” she replied. “Earlier than you, too.”

“This is not a competition, Knight.”

“I never said it was.” Rey smiled at him sweetly. “Here’s my list, just so you can stop bothering me.”

Ben shook his head, but took the list from his hand all the same. He started checking, while Rey waited, hands in her pockets. It had been fairly easily.

Ben was too long in silence, as he went back on forth on the lists.

Rey knew something was wrong.

“What happened?”

Ben shook his head. “Did you check the Central Park one?”

“No,” Rey replied. “That was on your side.”

“No, it’s right in the middle,” he replied. He looked at the watch.

“You mean you didn’t check it?” Rey asked, grabbing the lists from his hand and checking it out.

“I thought you had.”

“And I thought you did,” Rey said. Shit. This wasn’t good. She looked at the watch.“We’ll have to get there.”

“I’m not sure we’ll have the time.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault,” Rey said, a little bit annoyed. “You’re the one who messed up the list.”

“Rey, please.”

She didn’t miss the use of her first name instead of her surname. The way he said it with his deep voice sent shivers through her. Like someone was walking over her grave. Rey grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to the street. She hailed a cab, waving her arm desperately on the street. Thankfully, on the second try, someone stopped for them.

“Oh thank God,” Rey said, sliding inside. She gave the cab driver the address, and sat back down. “How could you let that pass?”

“I made a mistake.”

“You? Make a mistake?” Rey said. “I’m going to revel in this for weeks.”

“You know you’re just saying that otherwise I don’t make mistakes.”

Rey grumbled in response, but Ben had one of the corners of his mouth tugged up. Rey looked at the traffic outside, trying not to think about the fact that she was sharing the back of a car with Ben Solo. He tried to make himself look smaller, his legs tugged in one of the corners of the car, as he looked outside.

“Still,” Rey finally said. “I feel like there’s a victory to be had here.”

“If we fail, both of us are going to get scolded for it.”

Rey groaned. “Do you always have to be this way?”

“I don’t like you thinking you won,” Ben said.

Rey had to laugh. “Oh, so you admit I do get on your nerves. Finally. I just thought I was getting frustrated all by myself.”

“You’re the one saying it.”

Rey frowned, caught in her own trap. Damn it. How could he always avoid that? This was another thing she hated about him. She couldn’t even hate him freely because he always seemed to have a justified reason. Especially since their talk yesterday, it felt even worse. She didn’t want to think of the conversation they shared yesterday, because it meant they were sharing each other’s past.

Every time she learned something about him made Rey feel like her enemy was vanishing through the mist and taking human form. She didn’t like that, or how it was starting to affect her whole demeanor toward him. By the end of the month, she might even _miss_ him. God forbid.

He was still frowning slightly out of the window, deep in thought, when the music changed. It was one of Rey’s favorite songs, and the cab driver went in to shuffle the station and Rey reached forward just as Ben did.

“Leave it,” they both said in unison.

Rey turned to glower at him.

“I didn’t know you were a fan,” he said.

“I’m tempted to go on foot now,” she said. She couldn’t believe he also liked that same song. Probably the same band. She couldn’t bear the thought of sharing a favorite band with Ben Solo. That didn’t seem like it was fair.

“Why?”

“Because you liking them makes you sound like a person,” she said, then gestured vaguely to him. “And not, you know, an encasement of darkness that was made flesh just to torment me.”

Ben started laughing. Rey had never seen him laugh, and it was a strange sound, almost like he was hiccuping. Rey frowned again, then she couldn’t help but smile in amazement, watching his shoulders shake in silence.

“See. It learns other human emotions.”

He continued to laugh. He shook his head, and Rey noticed how soft his hair was, falling to his shoulder. She almost wanted to reach out to touch it, to see if it was as soft as it looked. It took a few seconds for him to regain composure.

“I know you’re worried about something, but please refrain from worrying in my presence,” Rey said. “It does make you human, and I’d hate to lose that image.”

“It explains your behavior a lot.”

“ _My_ behavior?” She asked, dignified.

“Like an erratic lawn mower,” he replied.

“Lawn mower my ass. Have some respect. I’m _at least_ a snow truck.”

That made him laugh a little more, and she was glad that the lines of worry were vanishing from his forehead. Rey convinced herself she was only doing this so she wouldn’t have to deal with anymore of Ben’s feelings, something she definitely didn’t want to deal, and not because him looking worried made her feel strange inside. She didn’t like having pity for her opponents.

Besides, Ben had told her himself. He didn’t want her pity, and she certainly wasn’t giving it to him. He was a grown man and did not look pitiful.

Finally, the cab arrived, and they solved the problem quickly. Ben called Ms Kanata to say they’d been through all of the bookshops and would be back at the office soon, and Rey watched him as he spoke on the phone. By the time they started back to work, he definitely looked a little lighter. Rey tried not to think too much about it, but her feet were skipping in the sidewalk as they walked back together.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the karaoke chapter sponsored by the greatest musical of all time, mamma mia

On Wednesday night, it was Poe’s birthday, and Poe took them to his favorite karaoke. That was the tradition—Poe liked singing on stage, and he sang well, but he also loved seeing other people deeply embarrassed by it. Other people showed up from Organa Editions, but Rey mostly stuck to the corner of the table where she sat with Finn, Rose, Paige and her girlfriend Jess.

“I’m not going up there,” Finn said adamantly.

“You don’t have a choice,” Poe said. “It’s my birthday, you have to do as I say.”

“I don’t think that’s how birthdays work.”

“Of course they do,” Poe said, with his most charming smile that was capable of melting the polar ice caps. “Everyone has to obey me or else I get really sad. Rey, what are you singing?”

“No idea,” Rey answered honestly. “I’m waiting for inspiration to strike.”

“Okay, everyone has to do at least one song,” Poe said. “Please promise me you’ll do that.”

“We will, because we love you,” Rose agreed. “And that’s the sole and only reason, because otherwise I’d rather be stuck on the L train at ten o’clock.”

Poe made a face, but he was happy with the promises. He came back with drinks for all of them, and slid on the seat next to Finn. Rey watched this with curiosity. She knew Poe had harbored some feelings toward Finn for some time, but she wasn’t sure how Finn would respond to them. At least their friendship seemed completely unaltered as far as things went, and Rey was happy with that.

“So how’s work?” Finn asked. “Any progress yet?”

“I mean, I am working,” Rey said. “So I’ll say it’s a pretty good success rate so far.”

“When will they have their answers?”

“Only by the end of the month, I think,” she responded. “It’s definitely something they want to test us on. Only this week they made me and Ben run all over the city chasing a stock of books.”

“Oh, you and Beeeen, huh,” Paige said, finally slipping into the conversation. “So did you find out about the dress or not?”

“What dress?” Poe asked.

Rey quickly resumed the events of the cocktail party last week. She didn’t tell anyone about meeting Jack, and especially not about pretending that Ben Solo was her boyfriend just so she could leave a lot faster. This was not something they needed to know, and besides, Paige was already too happy to do the teasing.

“But there’s nothing,” Rey said. “I’m just like always, determined that he will lose this job and I get to keep it.”

“I kind of fear for him, you know,” Finn said.

“Don’t,” Rey replied. “He’s evil and most certainly doesn’t need your pity.”

“I like your definition of evil for a lowly co-worker who probably doesn’t bother you as much as you bother him.”

Rey shook her head and took a gulp of her beer. She was happily waiting for inspiration to strike and order a song when she saw a group of people coming into the bar.

“Oh-oh,” she said.

Rose immediately turned on her seat to look.

Ben Solo was walking inside the bar with the group of people. Rey recognized Hux, who they’d went to school with, and the girl whose name she never remembered, but who was taller than Ben, her blond hair cropped short.

Ben, to her dismay, looked… good. Rey didn’t like to think of applying that word to her enemy, but she couldn’t deny that the tight black shirt fit him well, and his leather jacket completed the ensemble that he looked just a big ragged, just a bit careless. She tried to shrink herself so she wouldn’t get recognized, because she definitely didn’t want to see him. It was a new kind of humiliation meeting him in public when her enemy looked so much more put together than she was.

She had to buy a whole new wardrobe just to outdress him, which probably wasn’t happening.

“He’s gone now, you can get up,” Finn told her. “So that’s the guy.”

“Yep, that’s him,” Rey agreed, cramming her neck to see where he was sitting. On the other side of the bar. Small mercy. “That’s Ben Solo.”

“I thought he looked different,” Finn said, shrugging.

“Why? With horns and devil wings?”

Finn rolled his eyes.

“Come on, it’s your turn,” Poe nudged him.

Rey watched as they both got up, a mischievious smile opening up.

“That’s not a good face,” Rose said. “You give me nightmares.”

“Never fear, Rose my dear. It’s not for you.”

“I give thanks daily that you’re my friend,” the other girl said, shaking her head.

Rey got up, taking the opportunity that a bunch of people were standing near the bar and she wouldn’t be noticed. She crouched low, moving towards the DJ’s table. Instead of her name, she gave Ben Solo’s name, and waited for the list to come back around.

She only had to wait four or five songs. And then finally, the DJ called the next person to be in line for a song.

“Ben Solo,” The DJ called. “It’s your turn. Come up here.”

Rey watched as Ben turned mortified in his seat. She wished she could hear the whispers on the other table and what they were saying, but she started giggling.

“Oh, Rey,” Rose said. “You’re unbelieavable.”

Rey continued to laugh.

“Ben Solo,” the DJ announced again. “Come up. It’s your turn to sing.”

Someone pushed him out of the table, and slowly, Ben got up. He moved through the bar with calm, but Rey could recognize his mortification just by the way he was standing with his shoulders a little tense. She’d read him right—the last thing Ben Solo wanted was to draw attention for himself when he was in a public place, and now he had no choice.

Rey watched as he made the path to the DJ and whispered something, and the DJ shook his head. She knew the bar’s rules—if your name was called, you had to sing. Especially if you’d taken all the trouble to go up there. People were already starting to sing his name out loud, chanting it like a mantra so he’d get up on stage. Instead of flushed cheeks, he was pale white as he took the microphone, his white bony fingers gripping it tight.

Rey smiled.

And then he saw her.

Oh no.

_Oh no._

This was bad.

“Actually,” he announced to the microphone. “I’m waiting for my partner to get up here. She’s that girl with the buns, on that table.”

Rey wanted to bury herself into the Earth and never come back. This was the worst nightmare she could think of. Instead of being engulfed whole by the ground, Paige pushed her out of the table, and Rey did a walk of shame up to the stage, where the DJ held a microphone to her.

“Hi,” said Ben. “You’re paying for this.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m already regretting putting your name forward.”

Then the song started, and Rey almost groaned. Oh god. Ben’s mouth was turned up, not a true and full smile, but something that told Rey he was going to savor this moment for the rest of her life. But she had no choice but to sing. When the first chords started playing, Rey sighed and started to sing.

“Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find,” she sang. Her voice was a little hoarse at the beginning, and people at the back applauded in their choice of song. At least she knew the lyrics.

“I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind,” Ben sang. And good God, he was so much better. She hated his voice so much. He was tuned, and it was deep, and it was husky. It was like her worst nightmares. This was supposed to be the voice of a younger version of a handsome George Clooney or something, but it was stuck in the throat of her worst enemy. “Whatever happened to our love?”

“I wish I understood,” Rey said. “It used to be so nice, it used to be so good.”

Then the chorus started, and Rey found herself fighting against the rhythm of the whole song. She hated that she liked it. She hated that it made her feet want to dance, and that her body was moving and that she was just feeling the song and the lyrics, and she could ignore the whole people waiting for her to sing.

“So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S. O. S,” they sang together. “The love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S.”

She took a deep breath, and when she looked at Ben, she realized how ridiculous both of them sounded doing this. She was fighting her own muscles so she wouldn’t smile.

“When you’re gone,” she sang.

“How can I even try to go on?”

“When you’re gone,” she added, and then they sang together. “Though I try, how can I carry on?”

By the time the song ended, Rey had stopped refusing to smile and she was almost out of breath. People clapped at them, but Rey ignored the crowd. She handed her microphone to Ben.

“Well played, Solo,” she said. “You win this round.”

“Oh, I’m winning all the rounds you’re playing against me,” he said with another smile, and Rey’s heart skipped a beat. She’d never seen him so at ease, even though at the beginning it almost looked like he was about to pass out. “Maybe you should sing another one.”

“I hate you.”

“The feeling is mutual, Knight,” Ben replied.

Rey went to sit back down with her cheeks burning, but her lips stuck in a smile, her stomach fluttering.


	12. Chapter 12

The week passed with no further humiliation for Rey, and only mild inconveniences to Ben. After losing the round at the karaoke, it seemed only fair that Rey could score a couple of points this week. She sent him another bouquet of flower, this time with a different arrangement, and she could hear him sneezing all day. Somehow, he refused to simply throw the flowers on the trash, and Rey kind of admired his strong spirit.

On Friday night, Rey decided she needed to celebrate her small victories and a successful second week of work. There were only three weeks now left to get the job, and Rey was easing in to the routine. Although at first she felt a little incapable of handling all the responsibilities, she was handling them better and better each day. She was confident.

She decided to go to the movies. Rey was used to going by herself. She enjoyed being alone watching a movie, with only other people who were by themselves. That was a strange experience she’d come to enjoy after she grew up. When she was a child, she absolutely hated doing anything by herself, because she knew that she was alone. After years and years, she finally accepted that being alone didn’t always have to mean being lonely.

Rey was lucky—there was only another person sitting a couple rows from her. She stretched her legs and prepared to watch a movie. It was one of those alternative movies that mixed fantastic elements with real life, and she enjoyed it, stuck in the story for a couple of hours. When the lights came on, she was almost smiling to herself.

She always waited for all the credits to finish, and so did the other person. When she finally looked, she thought she recognized the person.

“Oh no,” she exclaimed loudly, and Ben turned on his chair.

His expression was a mirror of her own—a bit of shock, and that frowning of his eyebrows that Rey had come to know so well these last few weeks, that she assumed meant utter displeasure. The same she was feeling.

“Are you following me?” She asked.

“I could ask you that,” Ben replied. “I was alone.”

Damn. She hated that he was so obviously right.

“I always come here,” she said instead.

“So do I,” Ben replied. “And on this session, because—”

“It’s empty and no one is here. Yeah, I know.”

She stood awkwardly with her hands on the pockets of her hoodie. Once again, she’d worn just what she usually wore to go out of her house, her usual pair of jeans with boots and her warm hoodie. Ben was wearing a black trench coat that fit him well, his shoes polished.

“Do you only wear black?” She asked. “Is this a thing remaining from your years as a Goth?”

“I was not a Goth.”

“You forget I want to high school with you,” she replied. “I remember your eyeliner phase.”

Ben’s face twisted into a grimace, and Rey laughed. They walked out of the theater together, side by side on the windy street. Rey felt the cold try to bite into her fingers, and she stuck them even deeper into her pocket.

“Let’s pretend this encounter never happened,” she says. “You take Saturday nights, I’ll take Fridays.”

“You know you don’t have to actively avoid me everywhere,” he replied. “Besides, if you wanted to avoid me, you could have just slipped out of the theater without saying anything at all.”

Rey frowned.

“But then I wouldn’t be able to complain,” Rey said. “I feel like it’s always better insulting you to your face.”

“I’m delighted by your behavior, Knight.”

“You’ll get used to it,” she said.

There was a slight hesitation between the two of them. Rey turned to go, but at the same time, something made her linger on the sidewalk after the theater. Rey looked up at Ben, and their eyes met.

“After your humiliating defeat at the karaoke, I think you could use a rematch,” he said. “Come on, I know a place.”

“All right,” Rey agreed. “But only for rematch.”

“Yeah, I know. I remember your rules.”

Rey shook her head and together they followed. The wind started blowing colder and Rey recoiled inside her hoodie, but before she could do anything, Ben was offering her his own coat.

“Take it,” he said. “If you show up sick on Monday I’ll have to do all the work by myself. And we’re getting new contracts.”

She hesitated a second before taking the coat. She put it over her shoulders. It was so big around her, and it still felt warmth, like another layer of protection. Rey hated that it smelled like him—a mix of spicy and sweet that inebriated her. She could hold her breath, but she doubted she’d survive long. She huddled inside the coat, gathering its warmth, but angry that she needed it.

“You look like a ball of rage,” Ben said. “Should I let you die of cold?”

As a response, Rey brought the coat closer to her, wrapping it around her torso. Maybe she was going to die overwhelmed with Ben Solo’s perfume, but she refused to be out in this wind.

Thankfully, they were arrived after walking three blocks in a warmth, underground place. Rey looked doubtfully at the door.

“This looks like one of the hipster places,” Rey said.

“It’s called culture. I know you only go to the gym,” Ben said. “And nowhere else.”

“Shut up. I do not go to the gym that much.”

“How many times, Knight?”

“Four a week.” Ben grinned at her response. “I’m healthy.”

Ben gave his name at the door and they let him inside, and separated a table at the corner for the two of them. Inside, the place was cozy—the walls were made of brick, and there was a guitarist playing acoustic songs in a corner. Overall, it was one of those places that she would not expect to find Ben Solo.

“What?” Ben asked, frowning at her expression.

“I didn’t think this was the kind of place you came to.”

“Where do you think I go to enjoy myself?”

“I don’t know. The cemetery, for starters.”

Ben snorted. They both ordered drinks, and Rey felt a lot warmer inside, though she was getting partial at returning Ben’s coat. It was warm. Maybe if she washed it enough times she could simply not feel the smell anymore, and she’d got to keep the coat.

Rey looked at him, studying his face. He always turned away, especially when she stared at the scar. He started to say something when he froze.

Rey whipped around to see someone else enter the bar, a tall young man with blond hair, who looked straight at Ben. Rey turned to him.

“Hey,” she said, snapping her fingers.

Ben’s eyes met hers. “You know how you still owe me for the party?”

Rey scowled. “Don’t remind me.”

“I need the same favor,” he said, his voice low and quiet.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Rey said, leaning closer. “You need my help?”

Rey turned around to see the other man approaching the table, and Ben was still with his dark eyes fixed on hers.

“Fine,” she said, and grabbed his hand from over the table, and interlaced their fingers together. His hand was a lot colder than hers, and it sent a jolt through her hand, but she didn’t let go. It was strange seeing the contrast of their skin, and his long fingers compared to her stubby ones. “Is this good enough for you?”

The young man passed by their table, and frowned a little at Ben. He sat with his face turned towards Rey. Rey forced a smile, looking at Ben, still holding his hand.

“Who is that?”

“Ex-boyfriend.”

“You had a boyfriend?”

When she looked at him, she saw the discreet blush that crept up his cheeks.

“Yes. Shut up.”

Rey laughed, shaking her head. “He’s still looking. Should we absolutely avoid his conversation or you want to go and say hi?”

“I’d rather eat glass.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Solo. You sound like a teenager.”

He glared at her. Rey had never seen him truly glare at her. Rey thought she enjoyed deeply.

“Does that mean you get to avoid my college reunion?” Rey asked hopefully.

“Not a chance,” Ben replied. “I’m still seeing you tomorrow.”

“You almost look like you’re looking forward to it,” Rey mused. “I thought you’d forgotten. And how did you even find out?”

“I checked the Facebook event.”

“Only old people check Facebook.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “I did see you on the guest list.”

“You’re not supposed to snoop my Facebook!” She exclaimed, then went back to check on Ben’s ex. “Okay, he stopped looking. Can I stop holding your hand? I don’t want to get germs.”

Ben sighed audibly. “I’m starting to regret inviting you over.”

“That’s fine. I’m only here to steal your coat and your wallet.” She checked over Ben’s ex-boyfriend over his shoulder. He had stopped looking at least. He was a good-looking man, and Rey tried to rearrange the image she had of Ben Solo. She hated that there was a lot of things she didn’t understand about him.

She was supposed to know her enemy, even better than your friends. How was she going to even defeat him otherwise? She still hadn’t found any particular weaknesses she could explore.

Rey took a sip of her drink.

“You know,” she said, “You told me why you left Organa Editions. But you never told me why you took your mom’s clients.”

“Is that what you want to talk about it?”

Rey shrugged. “What else is there to talk about?”

Ben took sometime to answer, as if he was thinking deep about the answers.

“Her client, the one everyone always mentions, was harassing the secretary,” he said. “You actually might remember the scandal that broke out a couple of years later. My mother didn’t need that kind of publicity.”

Rey opened her mouth.

“So when you left, you were actually helping?”

“I left because I wanted to make a name for myself,” he said. “I don’t want anyone remembering me for who my family is. I’ve had enough with legacy. That’s not who I am. And as long as I stayed there, I’d always be Leia’s son, and not more than that.”

Ben finished speaking and avoided her eyes, as if telling her this also hurt him. But in the end, Rey smiled at him.

“Thanks,” she finally said. “For telling me.”

“You shouldn’t be thanking me. I’m giving you less reasons to hate me.”

“I think I’m fine, Solo. I’m still beating you to the finish line.” She smiled at him. “And now we could run. I don’t want to find out if your ex is, and I still have to face mine tomorrow.”

“Good idea,” Ben replied.

They left through the door, almost running, and Rey felt almost the rush of adrenaline as they went back to the street. Outside, it was still pretty cold.

“Keep the coat,” Ben said. “You can return it to me later.”

“Will I?”

“I know where you live, Knight. I’m going there if I need to.”

Ben gave her one of his small, secret smiles, as if he was too afraid to smile full on. She waved him goodbye, and only when she was home Rey realized she’d forgotten to insult him for the better part of an evening, as if she was already forgetting who he was.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Rey was ready at eight, like she promised she would be.

Ben didn’t come with his car, but a cab. It made sense that he didn’t use a car either—city was too big, there was no place to park—so she followed him in sulky silence. She couldn’t believe she had been talked into this by no other than Ben Solo.

“Happy?” She asked as he opened the cab door for her.

“Yes,” Ben said.

“I don’t get it,” Rey replied, as the cab closed and started making their way to the restaurant someone had closed for the evening just to throw this party. “You said you’d want to get paid to be my boyfriend.”

“Your humiliation is good enough payment for me,” Ben replied smoothly.

Rey crossed her arms over her chest and grunted.

When they arrived, Ben opened the cab door again and helped Rey get out. She wasn’t wearing anything extraordinaty—just a short dark blue dress with a silver necklace, her hair loose at her shoulders. Rey faced the door of the restaurant, her stomach queasy.

Ben offered his arm. Rey glared at him.

“You’re the one who brought me into this,” he reminded her.

“I was supposed to be sick,” Rey said. “Or having a terrible headache. Maybe broken my arm tragically and spending the night at the ER.”

He raised an eyebrow. “That’s all the excuses you’re going to use? What makes this so terrible that you didn’t want to come?”

Rey glanced back at the restaurant. She could already see there were people inside. In a couple of minutes, she’d have to put the biggest smile on her face and pretend Ben Solo was her boyfriend. Not only that, have to listen to everyone talking about how their lives were great.

“It’s like Facebook but in real life,” Rey told him. “You know. Everyone pretending to be super happy and super accomplished. I’m not like that.”

“What’s the difficulty?”

“This may sound surprising to you, but I hate lying,” Rey said. “I grew up on a crap orphanage, and my life isn’t always super great. There’s no point in lying about any of that.”

“You don’t have to talk about the past,” Ben said, still on the sidewalk. “You don’t owe them anything.”

Rey looked at him. She hated that he said something that actually made sense. She frowned. She couldn’t really be agreeing with something Ben Solo said.

“Besides,” Ben pointed out, “You’re already lying about me.”

Rey smacked his arm. Ben looked at where she just hit, opening his mouth in shock.

“Old habits die hard,” Rey announced. “Come on then, boyfriend.”

Ben shook his head, and Rey took his arm. They walked together through the door of the restaurant, and Rey put on a smile. As soon as she was in, she wanted to leave. She stood strong. She said hi to a couple of people, introduced Ben as her ‘boyfriend’, her teeth gritting every time she spoke the words even though she still tried to put them through a smile.

As the minutes went by, Rey relaxed a little. They ordered food, and everyone loved trading accomplishments—where they’d been, where they were living, who they’d married, and even showing baby pictures. Baby pictures! They weren’t even thirty, for heaven’s sake!

She took more glasses of wine than she could count. At one time, after what felt like ages, Ben found her again.

“That looks like it hurts,” he said.

“What?”

“That smile,” he replied. “You’ve been frozen like that for hours.”

She snorted. “You have no idea.”

“I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“You’re having fun because I am hating every single moment,” she pointed out. “That’s your definition of having a great time.”

“Sometimes you’re very tiring.”

“That’s what all my teachers used to say,” Rey replied easily. “Oh no. There’s Jack.”

Ben turned around and saw Jack coming in, and he scowled too. Rey could almost appreciate the fact that he also disliked him. Rey couldn’t believe that he’d side with her on this one. Maybe it just meant Jack was terrible in every aspect.

Jack came over to greet them immediately, and Rey found herself standing closer to Ben. His height was intimidating, so she hoped it intimidated other people too. It was like having a shield. A gigantic shield with lots of muscles.

She really shouldn’t be thinking about Ben’s muscles.

Rey downed the rest of her wine.

“Go,” Ben said. “Just go have a drink or something. I’ll handle this.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you have a fever or something?”

Ben sighed. “Just go, Knight.”

Rey skipped more than happily to the other side of the room, getting another drink. She chatted with a couple of girls from her year, who were deep in discussion about one of their teachers who’d studied Russian Literature, and Rey nodded in agreement to the comments. She checked on Ben, who was still talking to Jack and another guy whose name she couldn’t remember.

He seemed to be handling himself, but Rey started getting worried.

“Rey?” One of the girls said. “You okay? You seem concerned.”

“Yeah, I’m just checking on Solo.”

“Oh, your boyfriend,” the other replied with a smile. “Rey, you player.”

Rey contained the urge to respond that he wasn’t really her boyfriend, and ignored the fact that she’d just been called a player. Or the fact that they were commenting on him like her accomplishment was dating him. She had accomplished a lot more than that.

“I know he’s your boyfriend, but he’s really hot,” the first girl said. “And so tall!”

“Yeah,” Rey agreed with a smile and not the heart. “Excuse me, I just remembered I need to talk to him about something.”

With this flimsy excuse, she took her leave. She walked over to where Ben stood talking to Jack and the other guy, ands stood by his side. Almost without noticing, she took the hand that was by his side. After last night, this seemed easier. Ben turned to her, his eyes wide, his lips parted. It was only a second, and he schooled his expression back into neutrality.

Somehow, his fingers in hers weren’t exactly wrong.

Rey had definitely drunk a little too much.

“Rey,” Jack said by way of greeting, “Ben was just telling us about his work traveling for the bank.”

“Oh, he was?” Rey repeated, and looked up at Ben with an inquisitve expression. “That’s so interesting.”

“You guys must lead a very interesting life,” the other guy replied. “Tell me, how do you two manage it? He didn’t ask you to quit your job?”

“Of course not,” Ben replied before Rey could answer. “Only an idiot would do that.”

Rey watched in triumph as Jack’s cheeks heated. Ben looked at her.

“He wouldn’t,” Rey agreed. “It’s so great to have found someone so supportive of my career.”

“And how did you two meet?”

“School,” Rey replied, just as Ben said, “In Morocco.”

She looked up at him, giving him a look that said what-the-hell-are-you-doing. He didn’t bother replying to that.

“School in Morocco,” Rey clarified. “It’s such a strange story.”

She gave a fake laugh. Ben watched as she squirmed with the lie. The bastard. He knew how she felt about this. She’d explicitly told him about how much she hated this kind of thing. As if it was a competition to see who would walk out more triumphant.

“I was doing volunteer work,” Ben said without blinking.

“Oh, volunteering in Casablanca?” The other guy’s ears perked up. “You know, my mother used to volunteer there. There was a program there that helped bring water from the desert. What do you think the structure looks like this days?”

Ben opened his mouth and Rey raised an eyebrow. She didn’t have to say I-told-you-so.

But Ben barely blinked, as if this was nothing. “It’s still good. They’re actually expanding that program. Rey was doing some reporting there, which is how we met.”

Rey glared at him. He nudged her.

“Yes,” she confirmed through gritted teeth. She waited. Nothing happened. The lie didn’t suddenly stop her. When she looked at Ben, she realized what he was doing.

It wasn’t about making your life interesting. It was seeing how much they could get away with.

He was actually… trying to make this fun for her. Sure, by lying outrageously about their lives as if they were in some kind of spy movie. But still. She could almost feel his intention was good.

“It was for the New York Times,” Rey said, inspiration striking suddenly. “Opportunity of a lifetime. And plus, I got to bring him home! Best souvenir I ever got.”

She laughed, and pushed Ben over playfully, just a little too strongly. She knew he didn’t miss it. He was going to pay over for this later.

“I’m very happy for you,” Jack said, a hint of icyness in his voice. “Did Rey tell you about her time in college? She was wild, that one. Don’t let her fool you.”

Rey felt her cheeks reddening. Ben gripped her hand a little too tight.

“Of course she did,” he said. “Rey doesn’t hide anything from me.”

Jack stepped back. Ben kept staring at her. Rey knew she could defend herself from Jack, but he was a waste of energy. She was almost glad she had this stupid idea about having a fake boyfriend.

Almost.

“Oh,” Jack replied, not knowing what to say. “Rey didn’t trust any of us a lot, kept to herself. She was always kind of slippery.”

“Maybe you just didn’t know how to make her trust you,” Ben replied. “But that’s just me.”

Ben looked over at Rey, who stood frozen in place. Even when Jack tried to attack her again, he wasn’t worth her time. He just proved that he was never good enough for her anyway.

“You guys are so great together,” one of the girls of the group came to the circle just in time. Rey didn’t know what to think of that rescue. “Like, the cutest couple around. Come on, Ben, tell us your favorite thing about Rey. The one that made you fall in love.”

Rey froze into place.

This was the kind of thing people asked couples. Real couples. Not just people who were pretending to date each other just for the sake of not showing up alone and miserable at a college reunion party. She should’ve expected someone asking them that question.

Now Ben was going to ruin everything.

She looked up, meeting Ben’s eyes. There was a moment of hanging silence between them. He smiled, a little tug in the corner of his mouth that Rey hated so much. A dare.

Finally, he turned back to the group.

“Her determination,” he said. “That’s what I like the most about her.”

Rey looked at him in disbelief, as all the other girls smiled at his response. Rey couldn’t believe they’d gotten away with this.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll excuse us,” Ben said, “We really have somewhere else to be. It was great seeing you all.”

Ben tugged her hand. Rey said quick goodbyes to all, and waved at Jack, who didn’t look too happy. His loss.

As soon as they walked out of the restaurant, Rey let go of Ben’s hand.

“There,” she said. “Happy with how that went?”

“I expected more from you, Knight,” Ben said. “If I’m being honest. Thought you might break a table or wrestle your ex-boyfriend.”

“Who do you take me for?” Rey demanded, going further into the sidewalk. She wanted to go home. The wind bit at her. God, she hated this city. So cold. Why was there ever so much wind? They were between a hundred huge buildings. It wasn’t supposed to be this cold. “Also, I hate you for all those lies.”

“It was fun, you have to admit it.”

“None of it was true.”

“So what?” Ben said with a shrug. “They won’t appreciate you for what you’ve accomplished. Just make stuff up to entertain yourself.”

“Is that what you do?”

He didn’t answer. Rey’s teeth started chattering with the cold. She hugged herself. Why had she forgotten a coat again?

Ben sighed, getting closer to her. He offered her his jacket.

This time, she didn’t hesitate in wearing it.

“Is that your intention?” He asked. “Hoarding all of my coats?”

“Oh, shut it,” Rey replied. “I forget about this goddamn weather.”

“Rey, you’ve lived in the same city all your life.”

She showed him her middle finger.

Ben hailed a cab, and she got in quickly. He closed the door.

“I’ll see you Monday,” he called out as the cab took off. “Bring my stuff back.”

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooo this gotta be one of my favorite chapters!! Please remember to click on kudos and/or comment! And subscripe for future updates (:

Rey brought the coats to the office on Monday. She was a little early by miracle, and she sat down at her desk to work. She kept looking at her watch, waiting for him to walk through the elevator door in another outfit that was better than hers, but she kept waiting.

She started working on one proposal they’d received from a couple of book movie agents, and what else they needed to send to the fair, and she kept looking at his desk, waiting for him to show up.

She thought of calling, but that would be weird. It wouldn’t make any sense for her to call him and ask for explanations, especially when she was hoping to pull another prank on him after the coat business. Finally, when she came back from lunch and there was no sign of him, she knocked on Ms Kanata’s office.

“Hi, Rey,” she said, looking up from her computer. “Do you need something?”

She cleared her throat. Here goes nothing. “I just wanted to know if you’d heard from Ben.”

Rey never called him Ben. It was so strange. She’d much rather call him by his surname. It kept things impersonal enough, and with a level of added coolness between them.

“Yes, he called in sick,” her boss replied. “He’s not coming.”

“Oh.”

“I’m glad the two of you get along so well,” Ms Kanata said, and Rey thought better than to contradict her. “There’s actually something I need you both to do. We’re going to be getting an influx of contracts soon, and I think I’ll need the both of you to get through it till the end of the month. Do you think you could let him know?”

“Sure,” Rey replied smoothly. “I will.”

Ms Kanata smiled, and Rey knew it was her cue to retreat back into her own office. Damn Ben, leaving just like that. And getting sick. Who even called in sick in this economy?

He must be feeling pretty bad. Rey didn’t remember him skipping school when he was sick, no matter how hard she tried. It started to rain after she’d gotten home, and maybe Ben had been caught in it.

Rey spent the rest of the day working at her desk, but she was distracted. Every time she thought up of something new, or a new prank, she wanted to get to work and remembered Ben wasn’t there. He was spoiling her mood, even if he wasn’t present. Bad with him, worse without him.

By the time her work shift ended, Rey was ready to go. She was still carrying the coat with her. She really didn’t want to bring it back home. She waited by her computer, then sighed—quickly, she went through the directory of employees, and then she managed to find Ben’s home address.

He didn’t live too far away. Rey checked her watch and decided to risk it. She took her back and the coat, and then she went out on the street by foot, getting to the apartment.

It was in one of those fancy buildings, with a doorman and everything. Rey told him she was there to see Ben Solo and he gave her the number of the apartment. The doorman had looked her up and down, but Rey decided on ignoring him. She took the elevator and stepped into the hall, stopping in front of his apartment.

It was only then that she wondered if this was actually a bad idea that she shouldn’t follow through.

She knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Rey waited a few seconds until she knocked again. When no answer came, she considered leaving. She could just see him tomorrow and give him back his stupid coat.

Instead, Rey turned the doorknob and walked inside.

For a minute, she froze. There was a living room decorated with minimalistic decoration—with white and gray vases, and a gray couch that took up a lot of space. There were just small silver objects over in a glass table, and the rest of the living room was occupied with books.

There were at least four or five times what she actually owned. They covered up the walls and were in neat piles on the floor, and sorted through author’s surname. She touched the spines of some of them in the living room like they were her old friends. She found a couple of picture frames, and Rey recognized some pictures of Ben and his mother.

“Rey?”

Rey jumped, turning in the spot. She blushed hard. She should have waited for a knock, but curiosity had gotten the better of her, and she couldn’t help it.

Ben was standing in the middle of the living room, wearing black track pants and a t-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, frowning. He looked a bit drowsy, as if he’d just taken some medicine and wasn’t sure what was happening. Even his voice sounded rougher than usual.

“I heard you were sick,” she said. “I came to return your coats.”

He frowned, deep. “What?”

“Visiting you,” Rey repeated. “It’s what you do to sick people.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I even chose an outfit for it,” she said, pointing to her dress. “This dress shows respect to your fragile and sickly state, but it also shows you that I’m healthy, when you’re not.”

Ben snorted, and then it turned out to a full blown cough.

“God, go back to bed,” Rey ordered him. “You shouldn’t be out here like this.”

“I think I need a shower,” he said. “I’ve been in bed all day.”

“All right.”

Ben waited for her to say something, but she only stood there. If he wanted her to leave, he’d have to invite her out. Besides, Rey thought she could gather information from her enemy base as long as she was here. Ben was sick. This was the perfect opportunity.

Finally, he shook his head and went to the back of the apartment, and Rey heard the shower going. She put the coat in one of the chairs, and went to look at the rest of his place. The kitchen merged with a counter, and every cabinet was white.

Then she moved to the rest of the house. She looked at a few of the picture frames put up on the walls—there were only a few of them, of Ben and a couple of friends, and of Ben and his mother when they were young. There was even a ridiculous graduation picture where he was actually smiling beside Leia, and Rey took a picture of it with her cellphone. It was too good not to keep it.

She wandered through the rest of the apartment, checking out the other bedroom, which was again filled with boxes of books, and a small bathroom for visitors. Rey checked out Ben’s open door to the room, and she decided it didn’t hurt. She could still hear the shower going, and her curious heart wasn’t satisfied.

The bedroom consisted of only a double bed with rumpled bedsheets, and a couple more books and mementos from travel. It almost felt impersonal, when compared to her ridiculously colorful bedroom which had stitched pillows and pink curtains and what not. Ben’s bedroom was sober, decorated tastefully.

Rey saw the closet door, and was too tempted not to go in. She checked out to see if it was empty, and then went in. Of course there were dozens of black coats of different shapes and sizes, and even four or five different black scarves. She checked through the shirts and the rest of the clothes, marveling at how all of them smelled the same as the perfume on the coat she’d borrowed. It was so organized, even separated by different shades of darker blue and black, something she’d never managed in her own home.

She took out a coat to try it on, turning to see the other door, and realized that Ben had left it open, with steam coming out of the shower.

Rey froze in panic, but then she saw he was wearing a towel. Though it didn’t exactly hide what she was looking at.

Ben Solo was working out. Not only that, but he looked _good_. His abdomen was sculpted in a six pack, his muscles on the arm chiseled, and little droplets of water ran through his chest. She frowned. How could he? Honestly. This was God testing her. She kept looking, just checking if she was really seeing what she thought she was seeing.

Well. Ben Solo was hot.

Damn it.

Ben turned, and Rey ran out of the closet as fast as she could back to the kitchen. She messed in the cabinet till she found a kettle, and then put it to boil. By the time Ben was back, this time wearing a shirt—unfortunately, Rey added mentally, then checked herself—she had a cup of tea ready, and slid it through the counter.

“What is this?”

“Tea,” Rey explained. “You drink it when you’re sick.”

Ben frowned slightly, but he took a sip. He relaxed after he realized it was indeed tea and nothing else. Did he really think Rey would poison a sick man? He must really have mad respect for her skills.

“What are you doing here?” Ben asked.

“I told you, I came to return your coat,” Rey said. “If you hadn’t given it to me, you probably wouldn’t have been sick.”

“One more thing to blame on you.”

Rey scowled. “Here I am being nice, making tea, offering you peace, and you’re throwing it back on my face. Really, Solo. What would your mother say?”

“You really have no idea what she would say when she was sick and people asked her stupid questions,” he replied. “I never heard anyone say as many swear words as her.”

Rey laughed. She remembered when she worked under Leia, and though she was always kind to everyone, she also never tolerated people asking stupid questions or running things in a way that wouldn’t work. Poe had more than once gotten quite an earful of ‘fucks’ and some ‘shits’ along to go with it when Leia was having a bad day.

Ben drank more of his tea, relaxing a little, and Rey checked out something else on the counter. There was a beautiful monogramed card over in the kitchen counter with Ben’s name on it. Before he could stop her, Rey opened it and checked it was a wedding invitation on another town. The paper was rich, and the calligraphy was fine, probably done by a professional.

“Oooh, you’re going to be best man in this wedding,” she said.

“Do you have to check everything?” Ben sighed.

“Yes,” Rey replied. “So tell me, who are the people?”

“One of my best friends,” Ben said. “And one of my ex-girlfriends.”

Rey raised both her eyebrows. “Wow, what a turbulent love life Ben Solo leads. I never would have expected it.”

He sighed.

“Why did you two break up?” Rey asked.

Ben waited a beat to answer. “I loved someone else.”

“Well, well, the plot thickens.” Rey put the invitation down. “I never imagined your life to be so exciting.”

“There’s nothing exciting about being dumped because you like someone else and can’t hide it,” he told her.

“Ha, he shows weakness,” Rey replied with a grin. “I love you being sick. You are so sincere.”

“It’s the medicine,” Ben said. “You should go.”

“I’m fine here,” Rey said. “Go back to bed if you want.”

Ben took this into consideration, and then actually turned around and went back to his bedroom. Rey waited a second, then followed him inside. Ben got inside the covers, like a sick and miserable child, and sat down with a pillow at his back. He frowned at Rey.

“You really aren’t going, are you?” He asked. “You’re so strange, Knight.”

“I’m taking that as a compliment.”

She took the time to explore the rest of the bedroom. There were a lot of other books here, and more pictures of Ben and Leia.

“You know,” Rey said, finally, “Leia never talks about you. That’s why I thought…”

“I’d left Organa Editions on bad terms,” Ben completed. He took another sip of his tea. “She doesn’t talk a lot about her private life.”

“Neither do you.”

Ben shrugged. Rey replaced the picture she was holding of a younger Ben and Leia with him back on the shelf. It was strange, seeing him like that, especially after all she’d heard in Organa. The way they talked about Ben was like he’d betrayed everything. Hearing his side of the story was a little bit different.

Rey turned. “What about your father?”

Ben waited a few minutes before he answered. “He left when I was young. My mom was pretty shaken. We don’t talk a lot about it. I went to live with my uncle after what happened. She decided to work harder than ever in Organa.”

“You inherited that from her,” Rey said. “Focusing on work.”

“I think so,” Ben agreed. He was also work-oriented, much like Leia. Rey wondered why she’d never noticed it before. Probably because she wasn’t paying attention like she was now. “And you?”

Rey shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know my family.”

“Oh—right.”

“Yeah,” Rey replied. “It’s just… it made no difference after I’d grown up. I spent my whole teen years waiting for them to come back for me, to realize they’d made a mistake. But turns out it wasn’t a mistake, so I just grew up moving from foster family to foster family until college, and then it just didn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “Must have been tough.”

Rey shrugged, trying to brush it past her again. She never talked about it. She’d spent so long in this obsessive quest for her parents, to find where they were, even though she only knew their names. She never found them, but she was glad she hadn’t. In the end, it didn’t matter where she’d come from. Not to her.

“Nothing like growing up with a legacy such as yours,” Rey said, pointing it out. She noticed Ben had brought the wedding invitation back to the room, leaving it on the glass table besides the bed.

“Different challenges,” Ben muttered.

“You’re strangely comprehensive,” Rey said. “Must be all the medicine in your body. Do you think I can get lucky enough and it just expurgates all the evilness out of you?”

Ben gave her a shadow of a smile. They’d never really talked about their families before, and Rey found it freeing to talk to him about it. Ben didn’t carry the weight that her friends did. They always tried to comfort her for not having a family, but they didn’t really understand that at this point it didn’t make a difference.

Talking to Ben carried none of that weight.

“So tell me about your friend who’s getting married.”

Ben looked at the invitation, and then back at her. “We were in college together. Same Basketball team.”

“You played Basketball in college?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I just never took you for a jock,” Rey said. “I thought I was the jock in this relationship.”

The words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them. Thankfully, Ben seemed to be a little dozed out for the medicine, and didn’t seem to notice her slip up. What an embarrassment.

Rey decided on changing the subject.

“Who are you taking to the wedding?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I would ask my mom, but she said no.”

“Your mom? That’s pitiful. Ouch.”

“That’s actually what she told me, and that I was to find a date of my own.”

“What about that girl? The one who’s always with you and Hux?”

“Phasma?” Ben asked. Rey knew she had a weird nickname, she just could never remember it. “She doesn’t go out with men.”

“It’s just a wedding,” Rey replied. “It’s no big deal.”

“You could come with me,” Ben said with a small smile. “If it’s just a wedding.”

Rey scoffed. “As your date? Are you kidding me?”

“Look, I don’t know how I am going to survive this wedding,” he said. “It’s hard enough as it is. You being mean to me would be the least of my problems.”

“Oh, boo-hoo, Rey is being mean to Ben,” she mocked him. She sat back down on the chair, looking at the wedding invitation. It did look fancy. It was probably one of those opportunities of a lifetime. Ben’s life was full of rich friends. They’d probably have an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet. Finn and Rose would just die if they knew. “Okay, time for a bet.”

“I’m listening.”

“You do more contracts than me, and I go with you to the stupid wedding,” Rey said. “I do more contracts, and then you give up on the job.”

“What? No,” he said. “That doesn’t sound like it’s fair.”

“It’s a bet.”

“It’s cowardice,” he replied. Rey didn’t know if she liked this version of Ben that had no filter and just spoke his own mind. “A wedding against the job we both want is ridiculous. Don’t be a coward, Knight. If you win this job, it’s going to be fair and square.”

Rey sighed. “Fine, if I win and do more contracts, you have to give up on our local movie theater for a year. It’s my spot and my spot only.”

“That’s better,” Ben agreed. “We have a deal.”

Rey shook his hand. It was a little clammy because he was feverish. Rey frowned, still concerned over his sickness. She felt bad she’d taken his coat on Saturday. It was definitely the reason he was sick. She looked at him one last time.

“I really should go,” she finally said. “Are you sure you’re going to be all right?”

“Oh, Rey Knight is indeed concerned about me.”

“I am _not_ ,” she replied offended. “As you said, I don’t want to win the job because you died. So I better see you tomorrow at work.”

Ben smiled, and Rey felt something soften inside her. Ugh, what was happening to her? She was all wrong. Just seeing him in bed and with a fever made her soften a little. It was ridiculous. He was sick, and not dying. This was not the eighteenth century.

“I will be there,” he said. “It’s a promise.”

Rey smiled to herself while she exited the apartment and the building.


	15. Chapter 15

Ben went back to work on Tuesday, and everything went back to normal. Or at least, Rey felt like it was normal—she mocked him, and Ben responded, but there was something different. On Wednesday she got an e-mail from her boss, telling her to come into the Office again.

When she got there, Ms Kanata was organizing her things, separating contracts.

“Rey,” she said. “Glad you’re here. We have a problem. Remember the festival we were talking about last week?”

“Yes, sure. I made the list of what was happening there.”

Ms Kanata nodded.

“I was going to that, but we had a change of plans,” she announced. “I won’t be able to make it to that, and neither will any of our senior Editors. But you and Ben will be able to attend in our place, and I want a report of everything that has happened there. Think you can handle that?”

Rey stood frozen in place, opening her mouth and then closing it like a stupid fish. There really wasn’t an answer to that. It’s not like she had a choice.

“Sure,” she finally said. “We’ll go.”

“Thanks so much,” Ms Kanata replied. “Both of you are doing so well. I’m looking forward to reading your reports. I’ll be really sad to see one of you go.”

Rey smiled in reply, even though she was fuming inside, and knowing she actually couldn’t reply to that remark. She exited in annoyance, and went directly over to Ben’s desk.

“Guess what,” she said.

Ben looked up, his dark eyes undecipherable.

“What?” He asked. “You know I won’t be able to guess, right.”

“All right. We’re both going to the festival tomorrow.”

He only blinked in response.

“Pack your bags, Solo. And please don’t pack too much. I want to have space for my own bag in the car.”

 

#

 

On Thursday morning, they sent a car to pick up Rey at her apartment. As it was last minute, the company decided to hire a private driver instead of last-minute plane tickets, and Rey just had to get used to the idea. At least she wasn’t sharing her ride with hundreds of other strangers with crammed legs.

On the other hand, she was sharing her car ride with Ben Solo, and she knew that wasn’t much better.

When she got in, Ben was already inside. Rey slid into the back of the car next to him, and he offered her a cup of coffee. She eyed it suspiciously.

“Yes, it has caramel and three doses of sugar,” he said with a sigh. “How do you drink that thing? It’s disgusting.”

Rey shrugged and drank it. Delicious. Just the way she liked it. She eyed him a second—she didn’t know he’d paid attention to what exactly she was ordering in her coffee.

“I like it this way,” Rey replied.

“It’s ruining your coffee,” Ben said. “There are countries who would start small revolutions over your atrocity.”

They kept bickering in the back of the car as they moved towards the festival. After a while, Rey felt her body tiring, but she decided to keep on reading the rest of the work. Ben had shut off his own computer, and started to close his eyes. Rey said nothing, and kept on reading.

After a few minutes, he moved to the side and put his head against her shoulder.

Rey almost jumped, but when she looked at him, he was fast asleep, his eyes closed. He must still be feeling the effects of being sick. He almost looked innocent sitting like that.

Rey thought about waking him, but to wake someone who was sleeping so peacefully was a meanness grander than she could conjure. So she left him sleeping there, trying not to move, and when the landscape started getting dull and the road just looked the same, Rey felt the dullness take over her body, and she leaned back and fell asleep too.

 

#

 

Rey woke up with a start, and she realized she’d fallen asleep with her head over Ben’s. Ben woke up at the same time, eyes wide, and jumped to the other side of the car. They exchanged one silent look, and both of them agreed silently to never speak of this again. It was already weird enough going to the festival.

They dropped the bags at the hotel but didn’t even check out the room, and went directly to the conference. Ben split up their tasks and meetings so they’d be easier to do, and Rey spent the whole day running around meeting people, verifying authors and the list she needed to keep tabs on. She barely saw Ben all day, thankfully, so she didn’t have to worry about him.

By the time she got back to the hotel, she was so exhausted that she was ready to just fall asleep. She picked up her bag at the reception.

“Hey, can you let me know my room?” She asked.

“You’re under Ms Kanata’s name, correct?” The receptionist checked out the reservation. “Oh, it looks like the other guy already has the key. Your room number is 112.”

Ugh. Figures that Ben would already have picked up the keys. She dragged her bag to the elevator and went up to the hotel. She got to the door and knocked. Ben opened a second later.

“Hi,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

Rey walked inside and put her bag on the floor.

“Receptionist said you already had my keys,” she replied. “Is this your room?”

She checked it out. Pretty normal hotel room. A chair, a couple of paintings, a wardrobe, and a double-bed. Comfortable. She’d be getting a good night’s rest.

“What do you mean I have the keys?” Ben asked. “I only got mine.”

Rey looked back at him.

Then it dawned on her.

They probably hadn’t changed the reservation of the hotel for Ms Kanata, because she was coming on her own.

Rey opened her mouth, and then Ben seemed to realize that too.

There was only one room, and they’d both have to share it.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "and there was only ONE bed"
> 
> oh my god i hate myself

Ben got off the phone, his expression miserable, and looked at her.

“The hotel is full,” he finally said. “I don’t think we can find a new hotel at this time of the night.”

Rey reluctantly looked at the bed, and then at Ben again, and her whole body froze, refusing to obey her commands.

“Okay, this isn’t as bad, is it?” Rey finally said. “We’ll just have to…”

She couldn’t even say the word.

It was just a bed. She was an adult. A twenty-eight year old adult. She was capable of taking care of herself and of dealing with difficult situations. But she didn’t think that sharing a bed with someone was that kind of situation.

Or at least, she didn’t need to make a fuss of it.

If she made a fuss, that would mean she cared. She’d shared a bed with Rose when they were traveling, and even with Finn the one disastrous time they were camping. But sharing a bed with Ben Solo seemed different. It was something she didn’t want to breach.

But that meant she cared.

And Rey _didn’t_ care. She definitely didn’t care about Ben Solo. She would not make a fuss out of this. There was nothing she could do.

“Let’s go to dinner,” Rey said instead. “I’ll just have a quick shower, and then we’re going to be simple about this.”

Rey shut herself off in the shower before she could think it twice. She let the hot water run through her body and her hair, and let out today’s stress run down the drain. When she got out, she was feeling a lot better. She still didn’t have an answer though.

When she got out, Ben went in to shower. Rey spent the whole time reorganizing her bag over and over again. It felt like ages later when Ben finally got out of the shower, his hair dripping on his shoulder. He’d probably brought that shampoo that made his hair look so good with him. Rey wondered if she maybe could steal some of it and figure out what the secret was. She didn’t have time to look through his cabinet that day at his house.

“You ready?” He asked. “We could just order room service.”

She looked around the room and realized that she was already feeling a bit crammed, as if the air around her was still. Rey looked at the double bed again.

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “Do you feel like going down?”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Fine,” she said. “What do you want?”

A couple minutes later, she’d ordered dinner for two, and Ben had cleaned the table with two chairs that they were going to eat. The weather outside was chilly, but she still opened the window, hoping it would help her breathe.

The food arrived, and both of them ate their share in silence, as if the subject was too heavy for them to deal with it and it wouldn’t matter what was said. The bed was still there and wouldn’t go anywhere. Which was a problem.

A problem Rey really didn’t want to think through.

He could just sleep on the floor, right?

But at the same time, Ben was still convalescing from being sick on Monday. She didn’t want to just let him sleep on the floor. The chair looked uncomfortable, and honestly, he was so tall, he’d probably only mess up his back. There was a small voice of conscience that was speaking at the back of her mind, and Rey was trying hard to ignore it, though she didn’t think she was very successful at it.

She finished eating her meal and put the fork down.

“So,” she said finally, “What do you suggest?”

Ben looked at the bed, and then he was quiet, as if he didn’t know the answer to that either.

It was just a bed.

It was just a stupid bed, and it shouldn’t have to be an elephant in the room.

“I think we might be making this more difficult than it has to be,” Ben finally said.

 _Title of your sex-tape_ , Rey thought mentally but didn’t say out loud. God, how could her mind just go straight to that? Honestly, she wasn’t thinking, and there was something deeply wrong with her. She needed to focus.

“Okay, I agree,” Rey said. “You can take the floor.”

“What?” Ben said.

“Sleep on the floor,” Rey replied with a shrug. “You’re right. It can be simple.”

Ben narrowed his eyes. “Is that really necessary? The bed is pretty big. It definitely fits both of us. You can just put a line of clothes in the middle or something.”

“That’s your genius idea?”

“I’m really not keen on sleeping on the floor,” Ben said. “We’re gonna have to work all day tomorrow. I don’t want to sleep badly and have to still do this.”

“Oh, so it’s about _your_ work,” Rey said. “And what, I don’t count?”

“Of course you do. Or else I’d tell you to sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be idiotic.”

She stared at him.

“This is simple,” Ben said. “All we have to do is share the bed. I’m sure you’ll complain all night, and I’m fine with that. It can be added to your list of things to hate about me.”

“I don’t have a list,” Rey snapped. “But you know what? Maybe that should be a priority for me.”

She stared daggers across the table.

“Fine, solve it whatever way you want,” Ben said. “Maybe I should just dare you. That works.”

Rey opened her mouth, slightly furious. Ben got up from the table, still eyeing her, and Rey could feel the tension in the air, and the bed that was definitely still there and not moving. She even felt like this fight was something else, but she couldn’t quite place what it was about. It was a weird sensation.

“No, it doesn’t,” Rey said. “Is that really what you think of me?”

“Rey, honestly,” he said with a sigh. He wiped his fingers on his forehead. He looked tired. Rey wondered if it was just something else bothering him too, something that had happened earlier. “Just, I don’t know. It doesn’t need to be too much.”

“It’s not too much,” Rey said. She crossed her arms over her chest. “I just don’t like sharing my space with you.”

“We don’t have a choice.”

“Sure you do. Sleep on the floor.”

He faced her, losing his patience. Rey couldn’t help but wanting to push him over the edge. There was a riot of feelings inside her, bubbling to the surface, all because of the bed.

“Is this because of the kiss?” Ben asked.

Rey opened her mouth, mortified. She almost couldn’t believe he’d mention it.

“Of course not,” Rey said. “Why?”

“Because it’s what it was,” Ben said quietly. “All those years ago. It was only a kiss. That’s it.”

Rey looked down, kept her gaze firmly on his chin, that way she wouldn’t have to look at his face.

“Do you think that was important? Jesus. I just don’t want to share the bed.”

“All right,” Ben finally said. “I’m going downstairs. You can do whatever you want.”

He went out and slammed the door behind him, and Rey was left behind in the room, a strange sensation bubbling inside her chest.


	17. Chapter 17

Rey couldn’t believe he’d mentioned the kiss.

To her, it was something unmentionable, something neither of them should have talked about, ever. It happened long ago, when they were still in high school, and it was in the past.

On the other hand, he was right. It was only a kiss. And if it didn’t mean anything to her, there was no reason why she needed to bury it so deep inside her. With the door of their room shut, Rey still wondered if he’d be back. If he’d try to knock and then she would sleep on the floor because she refused to share a bed with him.

Or maybe that was her being immature. She had grown up. There was nothing wrong with sharing a bed with a stranger. It was just a bed.

Like it had been only a kiss.

Except it wasn’t.

Rey groaned, and turned over, hugging the pillow. She didn’t want to think about what happened all those years ago, something she wanted to forget.

Years early, in high school, they both decided to go to the same party. It was funny, because Rey had never walked with Ben’s crowd, and the contrary was also true. So when Ben turned up in the same house, Rey was almost ready to kick him out, but her friends convinced her they didn’t need to make a fuss. It was no use.

It all went to hell after they decided to play “Truth or Dare”.

Rey had played it safe. The bottle had landed on her twice. She’d asked for truths both times, and they’d just asked her about who she liked in school (no one), or if she’d secretly set fire to the bathroom last year (she did, and it was an accident she regretted). It was nothing of importance.

Until the bottle landed on her once more.

“Truth or Dare?” Someone asked.

“Truth,” Rey answered automatically.

“You can’t, you’ve already had two truths,” someone else said. Rey couldn’t remember the faces of most of her classmates. It was all a blur in her head. “You have to choose dare.”

Rey felt her own heart stopping. “All right. Dare.”

“I dare you to make out with Ben Solo,” someone said.

The classmates exploded into laughter. Their rivalry was not something everyone ignored. It was not like they _could_ be ignored. Rey and Ben hurled insults at each other in every single opportunity. Rey had beaten him up when they took fencing in school, she’d even spat at him once. Ben had usually fought back, though he was never half as vocal as Rey was. He was good at quiet insults, at underestimating her intelligence and overall at making himself into a nuisance.

Rey’s first instinct was to say no. That was not the kind of dare she would accept.

Especially because she’d never kissed anyone before.

Rey paused, taking a deep breath. She was usually known to go on reckless bravados, and do things thought impossible. Rey liked doing the impossible. But not this time.

“I’m betting you can’t kiss me,” he said.

Rey’s cheeks burned bright red hot. Of course he’d say something like that. From that single moment of hesitation. She cursed herself for even playing this stupid game. And now she couldn’t back away.

She’d regretted ever coming to this party.

Her eyes met his. For a moment, there was hesitation there. Maybe he was regretting making fun of her. But that would mean…

No, Rey thought. She wouldn’t let him win.

“Oh yeah?” Rey said, making her voice sound stronger than she was feeling. “Get up, pretty boy. In the closet, right now.”

He stared at her with wide eyes. Rey walked forward, offering her hand. Her knees were weak. She felt them tremble just slightly, but she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in front of all her classmates. Especially since they didn’t know she had never kissed anyone before.

They didn’t know that, and they didn’t need to know.

Ben looked up at her, frowning deeply.

“You were betting I can’t,” she said. “I’m going to show you how it’s done.”

“Oooooh,” their classmates echoed.

Hux shoved Ben by his side. Ben got up, dusting off his clothes.

“I’m still betting you can’t,” he said. “That’s why you need the closet.”

“I don’t think we need an audience for this,” Rey said. The more she talked, the more confident she felt. It was easy. She was looking up at Ben’s eyes. He was so much taller than her.

Her eyes focused on his lips. They were parted just a little, and they were full and delicately curved.

Okay. She could definitely do this.

Kiss Ben, and then it was all over.

“Okay,” he finally said, turning around. He didn’t take the hand Rey offered. Good. “As you wish.”

He entered the closet first. Their classmates waited. Rey’s friend winked at her, and Rey tried to smile, confident. It was just a stupid dare. A stupid dare she would regret for the rest of her life.

She walked inside the closet and shut the door.

Inside, it smelled of old people’s perfume.Rey couldn’t believe she was going through with this. She would remember her first kiss like this, always. This was the one memory she was getting.

On the other hand, a lot of her friends always talked about how first kisses were disappointing. How it was like someone else was trying to open your mouth by force, how much drooling was involved and how they’d felt disgusting afterwards. Maybe all she had to do was kiss someone she hated and she’d end the curse of her first kiss.

She looked up at Ben, and found his dark eyes.

Her heart accelerated. Okay. That was expected. It was something she’d never done before. This was just her brain thinking things through.

“I told you, couldn’t do it,” Ben said.

“I’m still getting over the fact that I have to press my mouth to yours,” she said. “This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“This is going to be a gift for the rest of your life, Knight.”

“Ha, ha. You wish, Solo.”

They both went quiet. Damn it. It was so much easier when he was talking. Every time he opened his mouth she wanted to punch him, and hating him was something that came almost second-nature to her at this point. Every time she felt nervous, all she had to do was think about him and that nervousness got replaced with anger.

“How much time are you going to take?” Ben asked. “Because I haven’t—”

He didn’t finish the sentence. Gathering her courage, Rey clutched his shirt, and pressed herself against him.

It was strange at first, her mouth connected to his. That one second where she didn’t know what to do, with her lips glued to his, with her breath not sure of where things were going and her heart hammering in her chest.

But it was only a moment. The second later, she’d found the sync, and then she eased into it as if she’d had practice—their mouths moving together, her tongue tentatively running to his mouth, their breaths mingled. Rey felt as Ben’s arms gripped around her waist, and for a second, she definitely didn’t care. She let go of the collar of his shirt and put one hand around his neck, and let this strange sensation of warmth take over her body. She slid her fingers through his hair, and she felt him bringing her closer, and then Rey was pushing him against the closet wall, her breath hitched and without a care as she kissed him even deeper.

“Seven minutes are up!” Someone shouted outside the door, and the closet door opened.

Rey let go of Ben immediately. She looked at him half in horror, without knowing what to say. Her heart was beating fast in her chest, and she still felt the taste of him in her mouth. It was good.

Her first kiss. With Ben Solo.

She looked at him for a second, and then Ben was about to say something. Instead, she shook her head. There were no words that needed to be spoken.

She looked outside where all her classmates were lingering. With her knees weak, she left the closet with a triumphant smile.

“There,” she said. “Dare accomplished.”

“Boo, little Ben Solo got deflowered,” one of the guys said.

“Screw you,” Ben said, walking outside and joining her back in the circle.

He sat opposite her again. Their eyes met for a second, and Rey’s heart was still beating wildly in her chest, with no rhythm that she could distinguish. She told herself that it was the adrenaline of the moment, but there was a part of her that knew that this was something else.

It was too intense to be something that simple.

Rey didn’t want to think about what it meant. Because in her world, there were some truths that were already easily established—and hating Ben Solo, the pompous, privileged kid who had everything handed to him on a tray, was one of them.

She looked away, and kept playing the game like nothing had happened.

 


	18. Chapter 18

It was a couple of hours later when Ben knocked on the door again. He looked a little flushed, as if he’d been drinking. She didn’t doubt it. Or in this case, she thought that it might be something she would want to do as well. She was just annoyed she hadn’t thought of the idea first.

“Thanks,” Ben said as he came through.

He stared at the bed, where she hadn’t moved anything. Well, she’d taken the cover off, and now there was the actual form of the bed with two visible pillows, and one single bed sheet.

Lovely.

Ben bit his lower lip, holding his hands together.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I shouldn’t have brought that back, it has nothing to do with where we are now.”

Rey nodded slowly. She’d had enough time to calm down and consider all the things. And she laid it out simply like this—if she had no underlying feelings for Ben Solo, she could easily share the bed with him. The only reason she couldn’t was pride, or the possibility that there was something unresolved there, which she found unlikely.

Her life had always been pretty simple. She didn’t have that many rules. One rule was hating Ben Solo, and sharing a bed with him didn’t exactly break it. She was fine.

“It’s okay,” she finally said. “We can share the bed.”

Ben blinked, and he moved his head just slightly, as if he wasn’t hearing straight. “What?”

“We can share the bed, it’s fine,” Rey finally said, gesturing wildly towards the furniture and hoping she wasn’t sounding overly casual about it.

“I thought you didn’t want to.”

“Yes, but I thought better of it,” Rey said. “As long as you don’t come over to my side, I’m fine. If you do, or if you steal my sheets, I’m going to kick you out of bed. That’s a promise.”

Ben looked at her, then at the bed again. Rey wanted to know what he was actually thinking. Right now, she just couldn’t decipher it. Well, she’d never really deciphered any of his thoughts. Reading his expressions were always hard, as if he was constantly hiding behind some kind of mask. As if she wasn’t able to glimpse who he truly was, no matter how hard she was trying.

Maybe she should cracked his head open or something.

“What made you reconsider?”

“Now you want to discuss, Solo, honestly?” She asked, her voice rising in irritation. “Just go to bed. Brush your teeth first, though.”

He didn’t move. What was he going to do, just stand there like a brick wall? Rey sighed audibly, going over to her own bag and grabbing the toothbrush. She shut herself in the bathroom, brushing her teeth almost forcefully, and just making sure she was ready for bed. She just didn’t put her pajamas on. Putting on pajamas sounded like she was being vulnerable, and she didn’t like being vulnerable in front of her enemy.

When she got out, Ben was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he was looking at her.

“What is it?” She demanded.

“I wanted to apologize,” he said. “For before. Something happened and—”

“I don’t really care,” Rey cut him off. “You don’t owe apologies to me. This is just a messy situation, and I know it’s not comfortable. I’m not happy, so we can just be unhappy together. That sound miserable enough to you?”

He frowned, his jaw set. Rey crossed her arms, standing in front of him. She didn’t get what exactly he wanted, or what he was thinking and she’d had a full day of work, and there was more work tomorrow, and all she wanted was to go home and sleep on her own bed. No further problems.

Because that’s what this was. Ben Solo was a problem. He had stopped simply being her enemy, a competitor who she had to eliminate to get what she wanted, and he had metamorphosed into an equation whose answer she didn’t quite understand. Or maybe she didn’t understand the equation itself. It was hard to tell at this point.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I don’t understand you, Rey,” he said finally.

The use of her first name did not go unnoticed. Rey stilled herself in place. This was new territory. Territory she didn’t want to venture.

“I’m simple,” she responded, still with her arms crossed. “I just changed my mind. Does everything have to have a philosophical reasoning with you? Let’s just go to sleep.”

“People don’t just change their minds.”

“Sure they do,” Rey said. “What exactly do you want me to say so you’ll leave me alone?”

“I don’t want you to say anything, I just want you to be honest.”

Rey rolled her eyes so hard she thought she might see the back of her brain. That would have been quite a vision.

“I don’t owe being honest to you, Ben,” she said his first name, testing out the waters again. “That’s just a fact. We’re just co-workers. Forced co-workers, in case I need to remind you. And by the time this month ends, each of us is going to follow their own way, and that’s going to be that.”

Rey took a deep breath letting it all out.

Ben raised one eyebrow, as if he didn’t believe it entirely. God, how much she hated him. She despised him. He had so many things she wanted, and before it was easy just hating him because he had those things and she hadn’t. Now she knew differently, and every time she talked to him she learned something new, and somehow it was worse knowing that he cared. Knowing that he was perfectly aware of where he was standing, and how he was trying as hard as she was.

She hated that he was every bit her equal.

“Okay,” Ben finally said.

“Okay?” Rey asked, her voice rising. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“I’m not sure what you want me to answer. I’m pretty sure you’re going to hate me either way.”

He got up, moving towards the bathroom, but Rey put a hand forward and stopped him in his tracks.

“First you ask me how I feel, and now that I did, you’re just walking away?”

“I think that was the point.”

She opened her mouth, but she couldn’t quite fit her feelings and make any coherent sentence to what was boiling inside her blood. This rich, spoiled, vile miscreant. Who was now staring at her with those deep pools that were his eyes, and Rey felt like she was going to forget all her civilized behavior that she’d cultivated all these years just to punch him again. They were only inches from each other.

“I’m so frustrated by you, it’s maddening, it’s just—”

Rey couldn’t find the words as she was face to face with him, looking up at his eyes.

So instead she kissed him.


	19. Chapter 19

The kiss made her insides melt.

Her stomach dropped, and suddenly, she couldn’t feel her legs working, all she knew is that she needed more. The kiss jolted her muscles and her memory, and all of a sudden she was sixteen all over again, kissing Ben Solo inside a closet. Her first kiss, and the one she couldn’t forget no matter how hard she tried. It sent shivers through her, but she couldn’t stop. Rey felt her body giving in the control, slowly, and she didn’t care, she just didn’t care at all what happened after this.

Ben’s hands slid through her back and stopped just at the edge of her shirt. She kissed him back, grabbing him by the neck and making him turn, slamming him against the wall. Ben slipped a soft moan, and Rey kissed him harder, her lips tasting him, devouring him as she could feel her heart beating faster in her chest, the adrenaline rushing through her whole body.

A second later, she stopped, catching her breath.

“We shouldn’t do this,” Ben said.

“You’re right,” she agreed.

She kissed him again. He responded in kind, and Rey could feel his heart thumping on his chest, as fast as her own. It was a ridiculous idea, and she should stop, she was kissing Ben just like she’d done all those years ago, and he was her enemy. They were competing for the same spot on the job, and this couldn’t be any good. Besides, she didn’t even like him. She hated him.

She stopped thinking when his hand slipped inside her shirt, his fingers exploring and touching the base of her breast. His fingers were fire against her skin, and she was half angry that she was still kissing him. Rey pushed him against the wall, and there was a small thud as one of the hotel’s paintings fell off the wall. Ben moaned against her lips, and while still kissing him, she took off his shirt.

It didn’t help that she’d already seen what was underneath it. In her mind, Rey found herself stopping. Really, she did. She was probably going to regret this later. No, she was sure she was going to regret this. Ben continued to kiss her, kissing her jaw, her neckline, her shoulder. Rey took off her own shirt, while still kissing him, her fingers exploring his torso. Rey kissed him fully, tracing the scar on the side of his face, running her thumb over it. Ben stopped kissing her a second, waiting for something.

“We should stop,” he said.

“Agreed,” Rey replied.

They locked eyes again, but that one moment of sanity was gone just beyond her grasp. She went to push him to the bed, but instead, Ben grabbed by the waist, turning her around, and pushing her against the wall instead. She felt her back against the solid wall, and Ben’s fingers slid inside the waistband of her pants, and he kissed her just below her ear, and Rey felt a rising heat consume her body, from her toes to her core. She pushed herself up, putting her hands around his neck, playing with the dark hair just behind his neck. It was as soft as she imagined, burying her fingers there, and Ben slipped his hands from her back and to her thighs and held her up.

Rey wrapped her legs around him, and he buried himself in her neck. Her nails dug into his back, and he released a small groan of pain and pressed her harder against the wall, and Rey just let herself be carried through this weird adrenaline rushing through her, their argument before half-forgotten and half buried behind them.

Ben carried her back to the bed that started the whole argument in the first place, and by then Rey knew that she really didn’t want to stop. She shut off the more rational part of her brain and let herself be carried away. They tumbled into the bed, and Rey kissed him, but there was nothing soft about what they were doing—it was half still in rage, this possessiveness that was firing her own body. He kissed her neck and started going down. He undid the clasp of her bra, and Rey unbuttoned her pants, his fingers cold against her back, but it was like a strange balance between her own body feeling flaming hot.

Ben stopped a second, looking into her eyes, asking for a silent permission. At this point, Rey knew she’d lost it. She nodded her consent, and then he lowered himself and kissed her, going down until she felt like her whole body was on fire, and every kiss he set only made it worse. She dug her fingers into his neck, and when she’d finally taken all her clothes off, Ben went down on her. Rey groaned, clutching the bedsheets, trying not to make too much noise, and when Ben came back up, she kissed him again, and she felt his warm body cover hers.

Rey finally slipped her hand inside the waistband of his jeans and he murmured something against her mouth, though she couldn’t exactly hear it. She brought him closer, and then she unbuttoned his own jeans, and Ben threw them across the room. Rey kissed him, biting his lip until she felt the taste of blood. Ben pressed himself further against her, and Rey was backed against the wall of the room.

Ben searched for something in the pocket of his pants, and Rey saw him unwrapping a condom. She tried to regain a little of her breath, but it was just no use—her body was fired up, and every time she felt Ben’s touch she melted just a little, her knees wobbly, the pressure greater. He kissed her again, and Rey stretched underneath him. She slid her hands over his torso, but then Ben grabbed them and pinned them above her head. He held them there while he kissed her until her wrists almost started to hurt.

With his distraction, Rey put her legs around him and flipped their positions so she was sitting on top of him. She kissed him and he moaned her name against her lips, a small breath that brought no relief. Rey grinned above him, and she kissed him, straddling his arms on the bed. She felt the warmth of his body against her, and she knew this was irrational. She let the taste of his mouth fill her, let her nails dig into his arm. He bit her shoulder and Rey cried out, half in pain, half in pleasure, and let herself slide into him. Their breaths mingled, fast as they let their bodies work together, each holding on to the other.

Rey felt his hands as he held her, and then Rey just let herself enjoy it, her body sweaty and hot and cold, her breath coming fast and ragged, her body moving practically on its own. When she finally reached the peak, Rey sighed in relief, her body satisfied, the anger and pleasure dissipating all together.

“We are never doing that again,” Rey finally said, trying to catch her breath, her heart accelerated as she dropped down on the bed, her back clammy with sweat.

“Okay,” Ben said.

She turned to look at him. His hair was all over the place, much like her own, his lips swollen.

They locked eyes, and Rey kissed him, and started it all over again.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where they both pretend nothing happens because they're IDIOTS

Rey woke up with a strange sensation of warmth beside her.

She yawned, trying to remember where exactly she was. This was definitely not her room. Then she remembered today was the conference day, and she was in the hotel room, and all that happened last night came flashing back in, and then she froze.

She sat up so quickly she almost tumbled out of bed, and then she looked at the person right next to her.

It was Ben Solo.

Naked.

Rey wanted to bury herself deep in the Earth and pretend nothing had ever happened. Ever. There was no way this was happening right now to her, who had done nothing bad ever in her life. Okay, maybe some things. But definitely not enough to deserve this. This was taking sleeping with the enemy to a whole new level. It was just a saying, not meant to be taken literally.

Oh God, what had she done?

Rey breathed deep, then got out of bed quickly. She didn’t take the bed sheet, afraid that she was going to wake Ben. She looked at him for a second, completely sprawled on the bed. He was strong, and his back was filled with little freckles, just like the moles in his face. She remembered tracing them last night, looking at them like it was a game and she needed to connect all the dots.

She blushed, remembering she was still looking, and quickly collected all her clothes from the floor. This was truly a walk of shame. She never wanted to feel like this again. She put all her clothes on a pile, and then shuffled quickly through her suitcase and then locked herself in the bathroom. She took a cold shower and tried breathing deep, always counting to eight and letting go.

Rey took a long time in the shower, and by the time she was out and dressed, she’d gathered enough of her wits to know what exactly she was going to say.

When she opened the door, Ben was standing in the room. Wearing clothes, thank God.

He looked at her and blushed, heat flushing to his pale skin. Rey bit her lower lip, unsure of what she was going to say, if she should say it first.

“We need to talk,” Ben said quickly, as if he too was trying to get the words out. “About last night. It was—”

“A mistake,” Rey finished for him. “I know.”

Ben stopped. He blinked, waiting for her to speak.

“Look, I’m sorry,” she said, clearing her throat. “I don’t usually do this, obviously. But I think it was a really heated argument, and we were just throwing things in each other’s faces, and we got carried away by that feeling.”

She waited, expecting him to say something.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “I think that was it.”

“Good,” Rey said. Instead of the expected relief, though, she felt asphyxiated once again. She knew it was a mistake, but her body wanted to contradict her. “Then we agree it was a huge mistake, and we’re not doing this again, and in fact, I’d rather pretend it has never happened at all.”

“All right,” Ben agreed. “That’s fine by me.”

He didn’t look at her eyes as he went past her with his clothes and shut himself in the bathroom. She heard the shower going in a moment, and Rey let out a breath of relief. Okay, that was sorted, at least. They both regretted it in the morning, and if both people regretted it, they could just agree to forget it and move on. That was the ideal. She had work to do.

Rey folded her clothes quickly, shoving them where she couldn’t see them anymore, and by the time Ben got out of the shower, with his wet black hair dripping over his shoulders, she was ready to go downstairs for the conference.

“I’m going to see if I find another room tonight,” he told her. “Just so you’re more comfortable.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She didn’t say anything else after that. They had breakfast in silence together, without saying a word. Rey stole furtive glances at him, imagining if they were always going to be that awkward. Soon enough it’d be back to normal, and all she had to do was not think about last night at all, ever. Never ever think about it again.

They both went to the conference together, and even then, something was strange. Ben treated her with cold indifference, and even Rey wasn’t up to their usual banter, and felt like all manner of talking was unnecessary. She talked to the other editors at the conference, but somehow, she kept wanting to check back on Ben, to see where he was and what he was doing. Even the panel she was excited to see felt just something ordinary, and her usual thrill was gone. She watched it in silence, and by the time the day was ending, she was ready to go home.

Rey and Ben walked together back to the room, and Ben kept the door open so she walked through.

“Thanks,” she said, her voice quiet. “Hey, this is not going to be weird, is it?”

Ben turned to her. “What?”

She cleared her throat. “I don’t want it to be awkward. I know we’ve been avoiding each other all day because of what happened last night, and I think that will just make it worse.”

He nodded, but even though he was talking to her, Rey felt like he wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying. He was distant and aloof, and nothing was reaching to him.

“Of course,” he finally said. “It’s not going to be a problem.”

He wiped his forehead, and a lock of his hair fell forward. Rey refrained from reaching it up and pushing it away. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. That was not like her usual self. This was not how she was supposed to act.

“All right,” she agreed. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning.”

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll knock in your door.”

He picked up his suitcase, closing it, and took it to the door. Rey walked back to the door with him, standing on the threshold, each of them standing on either side. Rey inside the room, Ben on the corridor, holding his suitcase.

“Good night, then,” he said.

“Good night,” Rey replied.

Ben turned to go. Rey kept checking, but he didn’t look back. She shut her own door, but for some reason, her heart was beating wildly in her chest, as if she was waiting for a miracle of some sort.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, few notes: first I'm traveling this week, so the next update will take a little longer.
> 
> My second note is something I've seen popping up in the comments of the fic. This work is INDEED slow burn (as put in the tags), and kind of follows the romantic comedy narrative: which means they won't be together until the very end. Another weird trend I've seen popping up in the comments are regarding Rey and her choices, and I wanted to clarify that she IS the hero of this story, and she has her motives for doing what she does, and for reacting the way she does. I'm really not inclined to answer the comments that call her "stupid" just because she won't get together with Ben or just because she dislikes him and is still working through her feelings. A little internalized misogyny, much?
> 
> Either way, this is just something that's been bothering me for a while. I love Rey as a character and would not like for her arc to be sacrificed because of some dude (neither in SW movies nor in my fic, thank you).

“You’ve been weird all day,” Rose said as they were both settling down for dinner. “Did something happen?”

Rey looked up from her phone. She’d been all day trying to ignore her jumble of feelings, the fact that she was suppressing a whole lot of them. Rose slid over Rey’s bowl of salad, and settled in front of her in the chair.

Maybe Rey didn’t have to keep it all to herself.

“Something on the trip,” Rey said, feeling her throat dry.

“What?”

“We shared a room,” Rey said.

Rose frowned. “Seriously? A company that big and they couldn’t pay two rooms? That’s crap.”

“Yeah,” Rey agreed. She shut off her phone. She knew it was no use to distract her. If Rose had noticed she was weird all day, it was written all over her face, and she probably wouldn’t be able to hide it for much longer. And she wanted to talk about it. Or at least she _thought_ she wanted to. It was strange keeping it all to herself and Rey was sure that it would lead her to explode or even do something drastic. This is probably why people paid therapists. So they could sleep with someone they hated and there was no judgment involved. “And there was something else.”

Rose stopped chewing, as if she was bracing herself for what came next.

“Are you familiarized with the concept of hate sex?”

Rose almost choked on her food.

“Rey, that’s not a thing. I know you want it to be a thing, but it’s not a thing.”

“Sure it is. It’s just hating someone so much that you want…”

“To fuck them?” Rose said, then she laughed. “That’s not real. That’s definitely something you made up to excuse the fact that you’re attracted to Ben Solo.”

“I’m not,” Rey snapped, suddenly flushed again. God, she wanted to forget that night. That was what she’d promised herself. It had been a mistake, it was a heat of the moment thing, and she was never talking about it again. She didn’t even know why she brought this subject to hand in the first place, but Rey felt like she was going to explode if she didn’t tell someone about it. “I actually read an article about it on the internet. There’s a whole bunch of people that told their experience.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “And? What do they say? That this is just something they made up, because you can’t be attracted to someone you despise?”

“Well, it happened,” Rey said, clearing her throat. She did read the articles. She felt like a nerd even looking it up, but she wanted an explanation for all those feelings, for exploding like that. For just letting it carry through her. She’d shut her browser after she read that it was truly just a transfer of feelings, or the fact that she had been rewarded with hating someone.

And the worst part, is that she had.

God, just thinking about it made her squirmy once more.

No. This was not happening.

Rose laughed again at her expression, as if she could just read all the feelings Rey was going through. As if she was as transparent as she felt.

“So what?” Rose said. “Because your feelings of hatred are so strong, you have the best sex of your life?”

Rey picked up more of her salad, shoving it in her mouth so she wouldn’t have to answer.

She’d had her share of partners. Not that many. Like seven. It had been good, but it had been nothing like what happened that other night. Nothing. Maybe the articles were right about this too. Best sex of her entire life.

But it wouldn’t happen again. It was in the past, and it was clearly a mistake, and she also had so many issues she had to take care of. Rey didn’t want to think about what happened again, and just the thought of never having something like that again… well. All right, maybe she needed to accept that this was something that happened, but would never happen again and she would have to deal with all of this. It didn’t solve any of her problems. Her anger hadn’t really gone away. It had just been redirected into other activities.

“It doesn’t matter,” Rey finally said. “It happened, and I needed to tell someone about it, and this is it. It’s not happening again.”

“You know you’re just kind of sweeping all your problems under the rug.”

“I don’t have a problem, Rose,” she replied. “I have a job, and I need to get it. Hey, maybe he’s destabilized too.”

“Well, so are you, because now you’ll have to look at your co-worker and every time you’ll remember that you have seen them naked.”

“Oh, no.”

Rose raised her eyebrows. She had a point. Rey actually didn’t want to think about Ben Solo naked again. But she would have to, every single time she looked at him, she just wouldn’t forget it.

This is why people didn’t have sex. It complicated things much more than she needed. She got it now. Maybe it was time she made a chastity vote or something. She could work around that. Never having sex again, that was fine. She’d spent years of her life without sex, and a lot of people didn’t like sex, and it was all fine. She’d just have to block out all of her memories.

Or maybe go to a hypnotist. That was a solution too.

“Look, I’m not going to judge you on that,” Rose said. “I’m your friend, and I want what’s best for you. But I think you’ve got a lot of confused feelings you’re kind of refusing to work your way through.”

“I have it together. Honestly, it was just a weird moment of weakness. We were shouting at each other, and it happened.”

“Rey, it doesn’t take like three minutes. It takes hours! This is what I’m saying. You had _hours_ thinking about this and you went through with it. And bless you for doing so, you go and do you, but also you can’t ignore what happened.”

“We both decided it was a mistake.”

“Both of you? Or you did? Because you have a knack for interrupting things and sorting your own feelings first and ignoring the rest.”

“No, I don’t,” Rey replied, a little annoyed. She didn’t. She definitely didn’t. They’d agreed mutually it was a mistake and she was just going to forget about it.

Rose shrugged, just slightly, but she didn’t say anything else. Rey frowned. Maybe that was indeed true. She was quick to judge, always, but that also protected her friends. She was always at their side all the way through, and often kept on disliking someone even after her friends had already decided the person wasn’t so bad.

But still, none of that applied here. Sure, she was a bit hot-headed and determined. Sure, she also was also quick to judge and stubborn and didn’t like to change her mind. Those things did not apply here to this case.

She’d go back to work on Monday, and nothing would have changed. Things didn’t matter now. She would still win that job, and her feelings for Ben Solo hadn’t changed.

It was nothing.


	22. Chapter 22

When Rey went to work on Monday, all things seemed fine.

She had walked herself through what happened on Friday, and it was all good—she’d had sex with Ben and that was fine. It wasn’t happening again. It just didn’t have to bother her.

She blushed when she saw him in the office, and looked down, going straight to her desk. She buried herself in work, and tried not to look sideways. Besides, there was that awful pile of contracts she had to get through, especially now that—

Oh no. She’d almost forgotten about the bet. Damn her stupid competitive spirit. She should never have made it. Well, hating Ben Solo and winning the bet would have to be motivation enough for her to get fired up and finish them.

On the second one she was already dying, so she decided to get coffee. Just at that moment, she saw Ben getting up to get coffee, and she sat herself back down, looking at her computer. She waited for him to be at his desk, and then went to get her own.

It was a strange dance she had to do, trying to avoid him at all times, at the coffee, at the printer, going on a bathroom break. Rey was pretty good at it too, almost a natural. Years of trying to avoid people when she was trying to read at the orphanage made her a master of avoiding responsibilities, and she was juggling it well now.

Then Ms Kanata called her to the office once more, and she knew it couldn’t be good.

Rey got up, adjusting her skirts. She checked her hair. It was a mess as usual, there wasn’t much she could do about that. Out of the corner of her eye she saw that Ben was also going inside the office.

Ben stopped in the threshold. He nodded at her, and Rey nodded back.

Ben knocked first, and came inside.

“Oh, you’re both here,” Ms Kanata said. “I’m so glad that the festival went so well. I was very satisfied with both of your reports. I understand there was a problem with the hotel, and I’m sorry.”

Rey gulped down, doing her best to keep her straight face. She was definitely not thinking about Ben kissing her neck or the bite that her shoulder still exhibited of her adventures and that she was covering up with a jacket. No, she was not thinking about that.

“We solved it,” Rey finally said. She took a deep breath. “Wasn’t a problem.”

“Very professional,” Ms Kanata approved, and Rey almost choked on her own breath. She looked up at Ben quickly, but he was also impassive.

Rey wasn’t thinking of him naked, oh no. Definitely not.

Damn Rose and her psychological effects. Rey doubted she’d even be thinking about it if Rose hadn’t deliberately inserted the image into her mind. Now she would probably not be able to think of Ben without picturing that hotel room.

Rey looked up, taking another deep breath, blinking, pretending everything was fine.

“I actually called you here to talk to you about your office space,” Ms Kanata said. “I know you’ve been sitting in separate sides of the office, and still don’t have a proper desk of your own. I finally made arrangements for a proper office for both of you, so you’ll be able to share that.”

“What?” Rey said, almost coughing out.

She really coughed, and then took a deep breath. Ms Kanata raised an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“It’s nothing,” Rey said, hurrying quickly. She coughed again. “Really. I’m fine.”

Ben gave her a look. She wanted to slap him. How dare he be always so self-conscious and contained? It was like he didn’t have any feelings.

He probably didn’t. Maybe if Rey cut him up she’d find a bunch of wirings and robot oil. Rey took another deep breath. That was fine. Concentrating on reasons to dislike Ben Solo helped her calm down. It was as simple as that.

“Either way, when we finally decide, one of you already gets to keep the office,” Ms Kanata finally completed. “You’ll both be moved tomorrow morning.”

Rey smiled, pretending everything was fine, though her own brain was actually screaming.

 

#

 

Rey didn’t usually go out for drinks on Monday, but she felt like she desperately needed one. Poe was the first to agree, and Rey dragged Finn and Rose along to their usual table at the bar. Rey ordered the drinks first thing, and when her beer arrived she drank good and deep.

“Whoa, slow down,” Finn told her. “It’s Monday.”

“I’m fine,” Rey said. Going to the gym hadn’t helped her either. She’d punched a lot of things, but her usual adrenaline just didn’t work. She’d been all sweaty going home, but still feeling like she needed to beat more people. Maybe she needed to attend some boxing classes. “Really.”

Rose gave her a look.

“So do I tell them or you do?” Rose asked.

“Tell us what?” Poe asked casually.

Rey looked at both friends in front of her. Only a couple weeks ago, Finn asked her out, and she’d told him no. She doubted it would help that now she had literally slept with Ben Solo. How was she even going to tell them that?

Instead, she decided on the reason of her current predicament.

“I’m going to have to share an office with Ben Solo,” she told them. “And guess what? They just reminded us it’s a competition and only one of us keeping it.”

“That sucks,” Finn said. “Couldn’t they already tell you who got the job? Do they need all this fanfare?”

Rey took a drink of her beer, still moody. She wanted to concentrate on the fact that her annoyance was due to sharing an office, and not what happened in the trip.

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “Thanks for coming though. I’m so mad at this job, and I’ve been working my ass off, and they treat it like it’s some Little Baseball League competition, which everyone should be happy to compete.”

“I was in Little League and it was brutal,” Finn told her. “I’m not even kidding.”

Rey smiled at him, and finished her beer.

Still, it was just so weird. She’d imagined her job was going to be something fun. Not that she liked to glamorize things—she knew this couldn’t be any good and that sometimes you’d have to do things that were boring, but it just wasn’t what she expected. And not in a good way. Every time she had to sit down and do another contract, she wished she could get to reading a slush pile, maybe picking up some new story she’d like to put out in the world.

The job was not like she imagined it would be.

Rey decided to stretch her legs and go over to the bar and ask for more beer after she’d ended hers, still needing to calm down and be rational. She was leaning over at the bar when a hand touched her shoulder.

One second she almost jumped, and she thought it might be Ben. Her heart accelerated, but when she turned, it was just Poe who’d followed her. Her shoulders sagged.

Wait, no. She was relieved. The last thing she wanted was to meet Ben again outside work. This was enough.

“This job is stressing you out,” Poe said, leaning over at the bar with her. “You sure you’re good?”

“I’m good,” Rey said. “This is what I wanted, I just have to work for it.”

Poe gave her a small smile, but somehow, she didn’t think it was reaching her eyes. People at the bar were leaning to look over at him. Poe was the most handsome person she’d ever met. The first time she actually had difficulty looking him in the eyes, just because of how he looked. It had gotten better after sometime, but Rey never escaped to notice how much attraction he called to himself just by existing. It was frankly ridiculous.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you about something,” Poe said. “Finn and I went out on Saturday.”

“What?” Rey said, almost falling from the bar. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Poe smiled, and there was a small blush on his cheeks. “You’re okay with it, right? I just wanted to check again.”

“No, I’m fine,” Rey said, and she actually managed a true smile. “Poe, that’s good.”

“Yeah, I thought it would never happen. I almost thought my charms had stopped working.”

Rey snorted, and Poe gave her his best smile again.

“I’m glad,” Rey said. “I hope it works out. Finn is great. If you break his heart, I’m punching you so you fly across the bay.”

“Yes, fine, fine,” Poe agreed good-humoredly. “So there was something else Rose was going to tell us, wasn’t it? What did you do?”

Rey groaned. “I just made a teensy, tiny mistake.”

“Rey.”

“I slept with Ben,” she told him, her tone rushed. Poe opened his mouth in full surprise.

“Rey, you didn’t.”

“I did,” she said. “Just don’t tell Finn. Ben has been my true enemy for ages, and this was just an accident.”

“That’s what you tried to tell Rose and she wasn’t having it.”

Rey snorted. Finally, the bartender came over and gave her the new drinks. Rey opened her second beer that night and drank a little more before going to the table.

“Fine, it was a huge mistake.”

“That depends.”

“It depends on what?” Rey asked. “Poe, we’re competing for the same job. I hate him. I punched him in kindergarten, and we have been enemies since then.”

“Maybe it’s something else,” Poe said. “Look, I have enough experience on that department.”

“Sleeping with your enemy?”

“With a wide variety of people,” Poe conceded, and Rey laughed so hard she almost choked. She could understand the universality of Poe’s appeal. Nobody in the world could deny it even if they wanted to. “But it’s never just a mistake. Maybe there’s something there.”

“You realize you’re telling me the exact opposite of what I want to hear?”

Poe shrugged, then patted her shoulder.

“Yeah, but this is what friends are for,” he said. “Just think about it. Maybe there’s something you need to sort there. Don’t sweep it under the rug.”

Rey breathed a deep sigh. It definitely looked like her friends weren’t buying the story she was eager to present.

Maybe she wasn’t buying it either.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: sexual harassment

That night, Rey dreamed of Ben.

And it wasn’t just one of those weird dreams where they were being chased by velociraptors in an ice-cream factory that suddenly changed into central park and then she was wearing pajamas to go to work. It was definitely more to do with what happened between them in the hotel room, and when she woke up she still felt as if his fingers were lingering in her skin, his kisses just a breath away.

God, no. This couldn’t be happening to her.

Rey took a cold shower that morning, her heart startled as she tried to forcefully lower her body temperature and just try to gather her thoughts. When she arrived at the office, someone directed her to her new office. There were two desks, but there was no sign of Ben.

Just as she thought this, he showed up.

“I thought I’d let you choose,” he said behind her, and Rey almost jumped. Hearing his rough voice was definitely something she needed.

She was like a goddamn teenager. Losing her mind over something simple. It was simple. She didn’t need to make things complicated.

“Thanks,” she said, pointing to the one near the window. “I’ll take this one.”

“Fine.”

Ben brought along the rest of his things. Like the rest of his home, his desk was completely impersonal, as if he was too afraid of anyone breaching anything personal about his life. Rey thought she could understand that.

He moved his things and sat down on his desk, restarting his computer, and quickly moving to whatever he was doing today.

Rey re-organized her things in silence, taking her sad potted plant out and putting it in the sun, along with a photo of her and Finn and Rose when they’d gone to Coachella (at Finn’s insistence). She looked at the first contract she had to get through plus an updated list of what was going on to auction this week, when she looked up.

Ben was still working.

“Hey, Solo?”

Ben looked up.

Rey bit her lower lip, and took a deep breath. She was doing her best to ignore what happened between them, but it was no good ignoring and pretending like it had never happened. Burying things didn’t exactly help, she knew that. So to move on, she had to talk about it. She had to really put that in the past.

“What happened last week—” she started, without knowing where to go.

“Was a mistake,” he completed. “I know, you told me that.”

Rey sighed, putting a hand to her forehead.

“Look, I’m not happy about sharing an office either,” she replied. “Thankfully we only have like three more weeks to go. But what I meant was, I don’t think ignoring what happened is going to help us.”

“So is there something you want to do about it?”

Rey blushed a little, though she tried to keep her face straight.

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do,” Rey said. “So… I’m… sorry?”

Ben frowned. Then a smile slipped through his usually broody facade. “That’s the worst apology I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”

She threw a ball of paper at him. “I’m trying, okay? I’m really doing my best out here.”

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Ben replied.

Rey frowned. Every time he talked it was easier for her to remember why she was annoyed by him in the first place. He could never give her one straight answer. Or even keep in the proper subject.

“I don’t know what I’m trying to say, here—”

“Do you ever?”

“Shut up, Solo,” Rey said, huffing and gathering her wits about. “I’m just acknowledging something happened, and that’s pretty much it. I can go back to hating you freely now.”

Ben frowned just slightly. “So you’re saying there was a moment you didn’t?”

Rey stared daggers at him.

“If you ever insult me like that again, I’m throwing you out this window.”

Ben nodded, serious. Rey went back to work, still smiling a little.

She could fool herself that it was because things were back to normal, and not because every single conversation sounded awfully like flirting.

 

#

 

After talking to Ben, things went a lot more smoothly to Rey.

She didn’t take up too much of her time overturning what had happened, or if she was overthinking things, and thank God, definitely no other dreams. She’d eased into a routine, and it was easy to get back to it. Maybe ideally she couldn’t forget what she was calling The Incident, but she was moving forward with her life, and that was important.

She was not going to get stuck over something as insignificant as sleeping with Ben.

Now more than ever, as the deadline approached, Rey felt tense. Everyday she tried working harder, doing more work, reading until her eyes started to dry out. She knew it wasn’t exactly healthy, but she was proving she could do the job, and that was the main thing.

Until Ms Kanata announced that she was going to be taking care of one of their best authors as he came to do a special event in the city.

All this time, Rey had been behind the scenes, looking at contracts and lists and things that were more practical. This was the first time she was going to be dealing with a real, live person, and it was just strange thinking she was going to be responsible for him. At least, this was something exciting about the job—sitting behind the desk wasn’t exactly what she was planning with the job.

On Thursday morning, Rey was ready at the airport with a driver and a small sign that indicated she was going to be waiting on Unkar Plutt.

His plane was on time, and thankfully, Rey didn’t have to wait long. She decided on wearing heels and they were already starting to hurt her, her foot sore. She didn’t like standing on them too long, but thankfully, she’d be in the car soon.

When Unkar Plutt walked through the gates, she just knew things were going to be unpleasant.

He barely glanced at her sign, and stood by her.

“Where’s the car?” He asked, his voice gruff.

“It’s in the parking lot,” Rey answered. She tried on her best smile. “I’m here to help you get you settled.”

Plutt looked at her. It wasn’t just a normal look. It was that deliberate check from head to toe, and Rey felt something plunge to the bottom of her stomach.

“Who are you?”

“I’ve applied to one of the chief editor positions,” Rey said. “Still in trial.”

“Well, well, well…” He said, and then gave her something Rey supposed was resembling a smile. “Let’s hope you get the position, my dear.”

She nodded, trying to pretend it was a compliment, and helped him get the bags to the car. All the while, she tried to avoid eye contact with him. Ms Kanata just told her to get through the day—it wasn’t a lot. She could do this. It wasn’t a big deal, and Plutt would be busy with his own schedule. It was nothing she hadn’t handled before.

When she got to the car, Rey made sure she was sitting on the front seat with the driver.

Rey spent the rest of the day trailing after Unkar Plutt. He was a disagreeable person, and often rude to everyone around him. Rey couldn’t say anything back to him—he was just one of the publisher’s most prized novelists, and she was definitely not above him if she wanted to keep the job. Every time he looked at her, Rey tried to plaster a smile on her face, and count down the hours till she was home again. It sounded simple, and she just needed to get through the routine. Nothing big, nothing out of the ordinary.

She was going to be just fine.

By the time the day was almost over, Rey could almost breathe a sight of relief. She finally checked Plutt to his hotel, taking the room keys, and she was ready to call it a day and go home take a bath.

“Thanks so much for your patience, Mr Plutt,” Rey finally said, giving her one last smile before she ran away. “I’ll see you tomorrow for your event.”

“You’re not staying for dinner?”

Rey blinked in surprise. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Usually my editor has dinner with me,” Plutt said. “But she didn’t say anything. I’m assuming someone from the publisher was going to stay. After all, you’re supposed to see to my every need, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Rey answered.

“Then let’s have dinner.”

Rey pursed her lips, but followed all the same. She checked her cell phone quickly, but no messages and no emergencies she could just make up to go away as quickly as possible. Instead, she followed Plutt to the restaurant in the hotel, feeling awkward and strange when she sat down in front of him.

Unkar Plutt did not seem to sense her discomfort.

“Tell me, how long have you been at this job?”

“Three weeks,” Rey answered. “It’s been very interesting.”

“Meet many authors so far?”

“A couple,” Rey said. “You’re the first I’m actually following.”

“What an honor,” Plutt said, his lazy smile stretching. He leaned on his chair, and Rey sat upright. She definitely didn’t like where this was going, as if she could sense the danger just as it was trying to grab her. Except she couldn’t move.

She couldn’t say anything without risking to lose her job.

“You know, I could definitely put a letter of recommendation forward,” Plutt suggested. “They usually listen to me. And I like you, Miss…?”

She couldn’t believe he hadn’t bothered to learn her name after spending the whole day by her side, with her trying to solve every single problem of his.

“Thank you,” Rey said, and didn’t answer. “That’s very kind.”

“I am,” Plutt said. “Especially towards young people like you. You worked so hard today.”

Worked hard and didn’t bother seeing her as more than just an accessory. Or worse.

Rey needed to get out before this turned to be something out of her nightmares.

“I could definitely get you this job,” Plutt continued, and Rey sensed that she needed to get out of there fast. “Just let’s have dinner, and then you can come up to the room with me and we can talk a little—”

Rey got up from the chair suddenly. Plutt raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said. “I have a medical emergency. I feel my teeth are hurting so much, and I’ve been postponing all day.”

He frowned up at her. Rey looked at him for a second—this could cost her too much. This could turn out to be even worse. But just that one small insinuation was enough, it was enough to turn her stomach, to just make her want to run away and stay inside all day, and she couldn’t even afford that. It could cost her too much.

She needed to get out.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow for the event,” Rey said quickly, vomiting the words out, hoping that the bile wouldn’t rise to her throat. “Thank you so much for the dinner, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be better company.”

She wished she didn’t have to say the words, or apologize, or pretend she was civilized. She wished she could be once more a kid, and punch her way out of things when it got hard, but that’s just not something that happened. Not anymore.

Instead, she swallowed what was left of her pride, wishing she could just scream, and left the hotel as fast as she could.


	24. Chapter 24

Rey found herself knocking on Ben’s door. She knew he must already be home, it was late and he would have gone home. She stood on his door, wondering if she should knock or if she was overreacting, but in the end, decided to just go ahead.

Ben opened the door a few moments later. He frowned in confusion when he saw her.

“Rey, what are you doing here?”

Rey looked around his apartment. Seemed empty again. Rey wondered if he ever brought people over, if that was something Ben would do. Though he did say he didn’t have a date to that wedding, so there was the possibility that Ben was a nerd in true fashion and liked to spend the evenings on his own.

Rey didn’t know why she was concentrating on these kind of details.

“Can I come in?” She asked.

“Yes, sure,” he said, opening the door.

Rey came inside, hands in her pockets. Nothing had changed from the last time she was here. It was barely a week, but so much more seemed to have happened since then.

“Do you want a glass of water or tea?” Ben asked. “You look…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, as if he couldn’t find the words. Rey understood. She wasn’t finding them either.

“Thanks,” she said, clearing her throat. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

Ben twitched his eyebrow, and she didn’t know what that meant. He went to his kitchen and put the kettle to boil. Rey distracted herself by looking at the shelf again, checking the volumes in order and finding peace in their orderly fashion. Everything was organized and nothing was out of place, and she tried to keep her thoughts on that.

Ben came back holding a cup of chamomile tea, and their hands touched slightly when he handed it to her. Rey held it with both hands, looking at the steam rising from the cup before drinking a gulp.

“Thanks,” she said.

Ben nodded in silence, and sat down on the edge of his couch, waiting for her to say something. Rey set her jaw before speaking.

“You know Ms Kanata said I was handling Unkar Plutt today, right?”

Ben nodded.

“I followed him all day,” Rey said. She looked at her tea. “When I left him at a hotel, he insinuated that I should go up with him.”

“He did what?” Ben asked, his voice dangerously low.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Rey replied, trying to keep her voice light. She considered all the other things that happened that morning. “That’s not even the worst.”

“Rey, that’s terrible,” he said. “Did he touch you?”

“No, he was just gross,” she replied.

“He shouldn’t have done any of that, that’s just—”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know that,” Ben said, sounding annoyed. “Still didn’t give him the right.”

“Oh, you want to play knight in shining armor,” Rey said. “Come on, I’m the only Knight I need.”

Ben didn’t laugh at her joke. She didn’t expect him to, but she was trying to make sure the atmosphere wasn’t so heavy. Of course she’d felt uncomfortable at Unkar Plutt’s advances. But it was something she’d dealt with before, that most women unfortunately had to deal with in their jobs. It’s not like this was something new or something she’d never seen.

Plutt was an asshole and that was it, and there was nothing she could do about it. Him being ballistic over it didn’t exactly help, though she was kind of comforted by the fact that he seemed so angry on her behalf.

“I’m fine,” Rey repeated.

“If you were fine you wouldn’t have come here,” Ben pointed out.

Rey drank more of her tea. She hated that he was right in a way. She wasn’t okay. She’d handled herself well. But there was still that edge of something uncomfortable, just remembering his touch. Like she was somehow dirty and unclean.

“I’m just—”

He looked at her for a couple of seconds, as if waiting.

“Do you want to take a shower?” He finally asked, as if he could guess what she was thinking too. “I’ll lend you the things.”

Rey nodded, finishing her teeth. She felt like she was swimming through the sea and losing to the current. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but she couldn’t go back there by herself.

Rey followed Ben to the bathroom, and he gave her a towel and a clean set of clothes. And old hoodie and gym pants, and she closed the door behind her. She turned on the shower, waiting for the steam to rise, and then let herself get burned by the water. She scrubbed every part of her body, trying to get rid of that strange feeling, and she distracted herself by finally knowing what was Ben’s shampoo. She picked up a handful and massaged her scalp.

It smelled like him. It was strange, but comforting. Something she knew.

She actually considered stealing the bottle for herself, because it didn’t look like any of the brands that she’d usually seen in the supermarket. Rey was sure he’d notice it, though, so she contented on taking a picture of it with her phone, in case she ever found herself wanting to check it.

When Rey was out almost twenty minutes later, she felt a lot better. Like she’d put the accident in the past, and she was feeling good. His hoodie was big on her, almost twice her size. She walked over to the living room.

“Thanks,” she said. “I think I needed that.”

“No problem,” Ben replied, smoothly. As if they were friends. As if this was a simple matter. “You can keep those if you want. I don’t really use them.”

Rey nodded, and then looked at her feet, trying to gather what she wanted to say. She came here for a reason, and she didn’t know what exactly what it was.

Maybe just someone who understood. An anchor.

“I have to get back there tomorrow,” she finally said.

“You don’t have to go,” Ben replied. “I’m sure Ms Kanata would understand.”

Rey looked down. She could ask him to take over. She was sure Ms Kanata wouldn’t mind. But she would also be showing that she wasn’t ready to do her job. And if she couldn’t do the job… that meant it was Ben’s. And she just couldn’t win with this.

“This is not what I wanted,” Rey said.

Slowly, Ben nodded, as if he understood what it meant for her.

“All right. What do you need me to do?”

“Can you come with me?” She finally said. “To the event tomorrow.”

Ben looked into her eyes. She met his eyes for a second, and she looked away. His eyes were always drawing her in, as if they’d seen too much. An old soul. It was strange, thinking of him that way, unraveling him like he was a puzzle.

Rey didn’t understand. She didn’t know if she wanted to.

“Thanks,” Rey said, shoving her hands down in her pockets. “Really.”

“You’re welcome,” Ben said. “That’s what enemies are for, right?”

Rey smiled, thanked him, and went home, still feeling strange. Strange, but better.


	25. Chapter 25

Ben didn’t disappoint her.

He showed up with her the next morning to the hotel. She introduced him to Plutt, telling him that the company had sent him as well to accompany them both. Plutt had examined Ben from heat to toe, and Rey had shifted closer to Ben almost instinctively. She tried to remain calm during the meeting, but she was still nervous. She wondered if Ben was going to punch him for a minute, after what Rey had told him, but he did no such thing.

Rey was relieved. It was the last thing they both needed. She could see Ben’s rage, read it perfectly on his face, but she’d expressed herself carefully, and he didn’t disrespect her.

They rode in the car to the event in silence. Ben had sat in the middle, so she wouldn’t have to be besides Plutt. She silently thanked him for it.

When they arrived at the event, he stood by her side as Rey introduced the bookstore workers, and showed what would be happening.

“If you need anything, let me know,” Rey told Plutt. “The event should be starting soon, so I’ll just be organizing everything.”

Plutt grumbled something under his breath, and Rey took the opportunity to flee backstage so she wouldn’t have to look at him again. Of course she’d have to make sure things were going according to what was planned, but at least she could let the bookstore people handle the autographs and the interview.

She found Ben in the back of the bookstore, examining a Greek History novel.

“So, it’s almost done,” she said. “Thanks for coming. What did you tell Ms Kanata?”

“I said I had some personal issues,” Ben replied.

“What? But you’re helping me.”

“And what would happen if she knew that?”

Rey opened her mouth then closed it, thinking better of it. Ben was right. She didn’t want to need his help, but she felt… safer with him around. Fancy that. Rey never thought she needed company or anything else. She’d handled most of her life on her own and she was fine with that.

This wasn’t necessarily bad. But Rey thought that maybe having company was good, too.

“Thanks,” she finally said. “For coming. I owe you one.”

“It’s fine. I wouldn’t have let you alone with him.”

“Ohhh, ruffled feathers, are we?” Rey said, and she nudged Ben. It was easier to joke. It made the situation feel less serious. He responded by frowning deeply. “If I didn’t know you, I’d say you were jealous.”

Ben dropped the book he was holding.

“I’m not jealous,” he said, his voice low. He picked up the book from the floor, glaring at her. Rey knew by now that he only lowered his voice even more when he was irritated. “He shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress.”

“Fine. Have it your way.”

“I always do,” she said with a smile.

Ben smiled back, and Rey felt her own heart skipping a beat. Traitorous little muscle. She’d already been through this with her own mind. Any consequences or feelings were a hangover from what happened at the hotel. Like a delayed effect. They weren’t real. And they were never going to be.

“Should we watch?” Ben asked, gesturing the event.

Rey turned to Unkar Plutt, where he was still exercising his voice. She could almost hear him as he ranted to a poor bookseller who was grimacing at him. She didn’t feel like going back there. She didn’t feel like facing him again.

She didn’t feel like facing this part of the job at all. It didn’t seem like it was something she should want, and every time something new appeared, she wondered if she was indeed making the right choice for the job.

Rey reprimanded herself before these thoughts could get any further. Of course she was making the right choice. This was her dream job, after all. It had to come with a little sacrifice.

She turned back to Ben.

“You know what?” She finally said, feeling a little brave and reckless. “I owe you one. Would you say no to a cup of coffee?”

“Never,” Ben replied.

“Good. Let’s go, Solo.”

They sneaked out of the bookstore together, both of them looking over their shoulders just to check if nobody was coming after them. Rey almost felt like a teenager skipping class, her heart beating fast in her chest, still laughing from this adventure. They both got inside the coffee shop, Rey with her cheeks a little red from the chilly air outside.

When she looked at Ben, he was smiling with his lips tight.

“Does it hurt you to smile?” She finally asked. “Or no one programmed you to?”

He sighed, looking down at her. Their pronounced height different was worse when he was standing right next to her. She’d have to get on the tip of her toes if she wanted to look in his eyes.

“Don’t start, Knight,” he said. “I’m already doing you a favor. Don’t push it.”

“Fine,” she said. She went over to the counter and asked for her usual coffee, and Ben’s.

When she came back to the table, he took a sip of his coffee.

“I thought you were going to order one of those monstrosities for me,” he said.

“It’s not a monstrosity,” Rey replied. “It’s just caramel. Besides, I know you drink black and no sugar. Bitter, just like you.”

He raised one single eyebrow. Maybe surprised she’d noticed how he drank his coffee. But two could play at this game. She drank her own coffee, checking out the weather outside. When she looked back, Ben was staring at her with his intense gaze.

Rey tried to hold it for a while, but she was the first to back away.

“What?” Rey asked.

Ben shook his head. “Nothing.”

“I doubt it,” Rey said. “It takes discipline and years of training to think about nothing. I don’t think you have it in you.”

“Why must every sentence with you turn into an insult?”

“It’s my delightful way,” Rey replied with a grin. “Besides, I like to remind you of your status as my declared enemy, so you don’t get too cozy.”

“Cozy where? Your edges are made of barbed wire.”

“Hey, that’s low,” she replied. “I didn’t want to know what you were thinking about, anyway. Couldn’t be that interesting, honestly.”

Ben chuckled, shook his head. Rey liked the way his hair always moved with him.

No. She didn’t like it. No. She was not harboring and entertaining any of these thoughts. She’d already had that talk with herself, and this wasn’t happening.

But a small part of her was always left wondering. Wondering if something had changed. And not just physical, because that much was clear to her. On another hand, Rey didn’t want this dynamic to change. She was very strict in where people belonged in her life, and Ben wasn’t in the category of people she really cared about.

Maybe she didn’t really hate him, but they were still firmly rivals. Nothing was changing that.

When she looked back at him and the scar, he turned away once more.

“Why do you do that?” Rey asked, impatient.

“Do what?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Turn away,” she replied.

She reached across the table and held his chin. The contact was like touching a live-wire, but she pretended she didn’t notice it. She turned his face to examine it, and the scar that ran over his right cheek. It wasn’t ugly. It was just different. Ben never took his eyes off her as she was looking.

“What happened?”

“It was an accident in college,” Ben said. “It was pretty bad. The doctor said it would never heal.”

“I like it,” Rey said. “It makes you look like a baddass.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Well, if that’s your particular kink, I’m not judging you.”

Rey blushed furiously and let his face go. Her fingers felt empty, as if they could hold his face for a while more. As if they belonged there.

“Why do I bother being nice to you? You’re a monster.”

Ben smiled at her, that strange smile that it seemed like a secret shared between them. Rey looked away, suddenly feeling awkward, trying to think up one of her usual fiery responses, but she came up empty.

“Thank you,” Ben said.

“No problem. You are a pathetic loser, Solo, but not because of a stupid scar.”

He sighed. “That was the nicest thing you’ve said to me.”

“Don’t get used to it.”

She grabbed and drank the rest of her coffee, still feeling a little awkward.

“Should we return to the general awfulness that is Unkar Plutt?”

Ben agreed, and they went together back to the bookstore, shoulder-to-shoulder, and Rey kept trying not to think of her fingers touching his face, and the fact that if she’d leaned over a little, she could have kissed him.


	26. Chapter 26

That week passed with no further incidents.

Ben didn’t mention what happened, as if dealing with Unkar Plutt was something of the past, and Rey didn’t mention it either. She wanted to give him back his hoodie, but for some unknown reason, she found herself holding on to it. She shoved it in the back of her wardrobe, and left the decision to return it for later. They found a way to work together again, and after Ben had helped her, Rey decided to ease back from turning his life into hell. She let him do his job, with the occasional exception of a chain e-mail that she decided would be good to keep him on his toes.

They were almost at the end of week four now. There would be only one week and a half now for them to decide who would be keeping the job. Rey didn’t know what was worse—the fact that they were closing in on the deadline, or the fact that she had no idea what the results were yet. Or if she even wanted what was in store for her. This month was a trial, but it also let her know what she was going to be doing. And every time she stopped to think about it, she was uncertain. Every time a new contract arrived, she didn’t know if this was it. If this was her calling after all. It was driving her up the walls, and she often wanted to ignore her own brain that was full of doubts and questions she had no answer to.

That Friday morning, Ben arrived late, and Rey knew something was wrong.

Ben was never late. He was such a nerd for keeping things on time, it was ridiculous. He sat down at his desk and left his bag on the floor, which was another thing that made Rey stay alert. And he almost dropped his coffee. Even the way he was breathing kind of disturbed her, as if there was something wrong.

When he broke one of the paper holders in his desk, Rey really got worried.

She said nothing to him, not knowing what exactly was bothering him. She didn’t like to intrude in his personal space. Especially because it looked serious. Ben left for lunch early, like a hurricane, and Rey waited some more, watching his erratic behavior without knowing how to counter it.

Rey went out to lunch, still mulling it over her mind. When she was returning to the office, she spotted Ben sitting on a bench in the park, staring at his phone. She knew something was wrong because his hair was a little ruffled, her cheeks puffed a little red.

“Hey.”

Ben looked up in surprise as she stood in front of him. Rey didn’t move. He frowned deeper than usual, but Rey didn’t let herself falter.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah, you almost broke the printer,” Rey said. “And I know printers are really the devil’s handiwork and are just waiting for the machine revolution to take over and kill humans, and on any other day, I would support you on this decision, but right now I know something is the matter. You’ve been weird all morning.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Wow. Never knew nothing could affect you so much.”

He looked up at her, lips in a thin line of frustration.

“Do you have to be witty about everything?”

“Yes,” Rey replied. “I’m not scared of you, you know.”

Ben looked at her than at his phone again. Rey didn’t give up. She was going to pry it out of him. Not just because her curiosity couldn’t be satisfied, but because she knew by experience it wasn’t good to just hole up when there was a problem.

She knew how much of a hypocrite she was sounding even to herself, but Rey ignored her inner monologue. She was good at rash decisions and not listening to her own voice of reason.

“Tell me,” she said. “Pretend I’m your therapist.”

“You look nothing like him,” Ben told her.

Rey raised her eyebrows in surprise. She hadn’t taken Ben to be doing therapy, though in retrospect, that also made sense—he did have some anger issues when they were both teens. Rey discounted them on the gym and beating people up, but she had no idea what Ben did, except for one time he’d broken a school computer by smashing it with his fist.

Truth be told, it made sense that everyone in school were scared of them both.

“Okay,” Rey said. “But I’m not leaving until you tell me. I already have to look at your face every afternoon, so it would be really nice if it was less-frowny.”

“For someone who works in the book industry, you have a surprisingly limited vocabulary.”

“You just described the definition of someone who works in the book industry,” Rey said. She sat down besides him in the park bench. She noticed he hadn’t really put his phone away. “Whatever is bothering you won’t go away.”

Ben stood quiet for some moments. Rey watched as he pursed his lips, then opened his mouth only to close it again, chewing on his own lips. She watched almost entranced, and then looked up at his eyes.

“My mother’s birthday dinner is tomorrow,” he said.

“And? You forgot her present?” Rey asked. “Just get her a cool jacket or something.”

“No, that’s not the problem,” he said. “My dad is in town.”

“Oh.”

Ben stayed in silence, and Rey waited for him to say something. The thing about this was that she didn’t have experiences with family. None at all.

She’d stayed with a couple foster families, but she’d never been really adopted. By the time she got her application to college, she didn’t care anymore about having a family. Or at least, having parents. That was almost all in the past, though she caught herself wondering some days. But this was not her area of expertise. She didn’t know what kind of problem that relationship entailed.

“Yeah,” Ben finally said. He sighed. “You know what’s the worst part? I thinks she still has feelings for him.”

Rey didn’t know what to say. She decided on asking questions, even if it was for Ben to get distracted with the answers.

“Why did they divorce?”

“My dad wanted to move to the other side of the country,” he said. “He never stayed much on his own. Airline pilot. It was hard to just quieten down in one single place. And one day I think he just couldn’t take it.”

Ben sighed, pushed his hair back with his fingers.

“And now what?”

“Now he’s coming to dinner, as if everything is just fine,” Ben said. “And maybe to them, they are. But I just can’t forget my mom’s face when he left the first time.”

“You don’t want her to get hurt again.”

“No,” Ben replied. “I don’t. And now I have to face the whole thing on my own.”

“Seriously?” She asked. “No one else is going to be there?”

“No one that matters,” he replied with a bitter implied tone.

“You know, I’m concerned about your friends,” Rey said. “This is the kind of thing I would definitely want a back up for.”

Ben glared at her for a second, and Rey was glad that he’d eased his mind enough that he found a reason to glare at her.

“Can’t you call anyone?” She asked.

“That’s not something you ask,” Ben said. “Most people don’t even know this about my dad. I like to keep things private.”

“But you told me.”

Ben blinked quickly, and Rey almost thought she’d seen a blush in his cheeks. But it was a chilly day of winter, and it was likely he was just cold.

Rey looked at her own gloved hands for a second, and she saw Ben’s fingers twitching. She’d never seen him so nervous. It was strange. He almost always looked in such perfect control of himself. But just knowing he would see his father changed him completely, turned him inside out and exposed things Rey never thought she’d see.

“How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

“Two years, I think,” Ben replied. “I see him from time to time. That’s not the problem. But a birthday dinner, that’s just—”

“Closer than he has been to your family all his life.”

Ben nodded.

“Well, you know, fuck him.”

Ben looked up at Rey again. Rey wasn’t one for swearing all the time, but this was one of the few situations that demanded it.

“You can’t skip this dinner, and he’s going to be there,” Rey said. “You can’t avoid him. But you don’t owe him anything, Ben.”

“He’s my father.”

“So?” Rey asked, her voice rising. “We can’t all depend on family all the time.”

He opened his mouth into that small secret smile of his that always made Rey feel like she was winning something, though she didn’t know what.

The smile made her feel bold.

“I could go with you,” she finally said.

She wasn’t sure she believed the words were coming out of her mouth, or that she’d said them out loud. To Ben Solo. Offering to go with him somewhere.

Though things had changed. He’d helped her with Unkar Plutt. She should be able to help him with this. Besides, how hard could it be? It was just a birthday dinner. She’d definitely get free food. It couldn’t be that bad.

“You… would?”

Rey agreed slowly. “I think I owe you one.”

“It won’t be fun.”

“I wasn’t expecting it to be, Solo. After all, I’m going with you.”

Ben rolled his eyes just slightly. “Fine.”

“If it doesn’t work, we can always trash his car later,” Rey said simply. “It works on like 70% of all my problems.”

“He drives a piece of junk,” Ben told her. “I don’t think there’s anything you can physically do to it because it’s already falling apart.”

“Damn.” She sighed. “Is there going to be free food?”

Ben shook his head in disbelief.

“I actually remember you going to Hux’s party just for the food,” he finally said. “What were we? Fifteen? I just remembered you coming inside, congratulating him, and diving straight for the food.”

“I did no such thing,” Rey said, though she remembered it distinctively, just the way he described. “What about you? I still remember you in school with your emo band performing in the talent show.”

“It was heavy metal,” Ben said, half-offended.

“It was just weeping, basically the same thing,” Rey dismissed him with her hand. “God, do you remember that ridiculous wig Mr. Akbar used to wear?”

Ben widened his eyes in horror. “Yes. I had nightmares with that thing for years.”

“I know!” Rey said, laughing out loud. “I was just so glad when that got stolen by Mr Calrissian.”

“No one could prove that,” Ben pointed out.

“Who cares?” Rey said. “I remember him in prom, still bald, trying to shrink himself into the background.”

“And then they called him up to the stage,” Ben said. “Still think Mr. Calrissian did that on purpose.”

“Oh, he did. He was terrible. And then there was that disaster of Hux’s kiss with that guy—”

And then Rey stopped, because she was just here, sharing memories of high school with someone she’d considered her enemy. Someone she’d seen her whole life as her rival, someone she was always competing with, and who made her infuriated all during school.

Ben didn’t seem to have noticed.

“It was gross,” he said, completing her, taking a trip to a memory lane they shared and Rey didn’t even know existed. “Also, there was that slow dance and…”

His voice trailed off as well. Maybe he was remembering the same thing as she was.

Rey almost hadn’t attended prom. She didn’t think it was necessary, but her friends convinced her. She’d went and almost left, because she was alone. Everyone had taken a date, and Rey didn’t really like to be reminded that she was alone once again in a place where she wasn’t supposed to be.

When the slow dance started, everyone paired up. Rey watched the couples dancing, the secret smiles exchanged between them, the hands on each other’s waist or neck. Everyone seemed to be lost in their tiny little own universe, and Rey felt her own heart get consumed with jealousy—not of any couple in particular, but just wanting that. Wanting that thing she never felt.

She never got her own universe.

When she moved to get some more punch to maybe pretend she could get drunk on it, she’d met Ben’s eyes across the dancing floor. He was alone too. Rey stopped in her way, and for a second she wondered if she should call a truce, because she couldn’t bear being here by herself.

Then she remembered the kiss they’d shared earlier that year, and she decided that some things were better left alone. Their eye contact only lasted a few seconds more, and Rey turned away and went home.

Rey had almost forgotten all that happened.

“Yeah,” she finally said, clearing her throat. “Good times. I still remember beating you in the running competition, though.”

Ben shook his head, and both of them got up awkwardly from the bench. Their hands touched for a second, and Rey almost jumped back, startled. She blinked, trying to regain her control, but she felt her heart accelerated. A strange blush was creeping to her cheeks.

Rey pretended it was from the cold.

 


	27. Chapter 27

Usually, on Fridays when Rey didn’t go to the movies by herself, they tried to set up a movie night. Sometimes Paige would show up with her girlfriend, but it was usually just the four of them—Rose, Rey, Poe and Finn. This time, the boys showed up with a couple of bottles of soda and a pizza in hand, and Rose almost screamed in delight, stealing the pizza from their hands.

Finn and Poe settled on the couch, side by side. They were holding hands. Rey looked at them for a second, and when she looked up, Finn was blushing furiously. Rey looked away, satisfied, but then she remembered the touch of another hand on her own, and her mood soured.

“What are we watching?” Poe asked.

“What do you care?” Rose snapped. “You always sleep halfway through.”

“No, I don’t,” Poe replied offended. “Those are lies spread to belittle me.”

“Poe, what happens in the end of Fight Club?”

Poe opened his mouth but couldn’t speak. “No fair. That was boring.”

Rose shook her head and opened the pizza box in the floor. Rey grabbed a piece, letting the cheese melt in her mouth.

“There’s a pretty cool festival we could check out,” Rose spoke, setting up the movie on Netflix. “Tomorrow night.”

“I can’t,” Rey said almost too quickly.

Everyone’s eyes turned to her. She could think up of an excuse for sure. Maybe doing her laundry. She doubted it would convince them. Unfortunately, her friends knew enough that she would try to avoid doing her laundry as long as it was physically possible.

“Where are you going?” Rose asked, suddenly interested.

“Huh, I’ve got this birthday dinner,” Rey said. Only a half-lie. “From work.”

Poe frowned, but a second later, a malicious smile crept up his lips. That bastard.

“Oh, it wouldn’t be Leia Organa’s birthday dinner, would it?” Poe said, grinning like an idiot. “I wonder who invited you.”

“None of your business,” Rey snapped.

“Oh, come on Rey, that’s one of the fanciest dinners, and Leia only gives it to closest friends. It wouldn’t be your co-worker who invited you. You know, the one you hate.” Poe wiggled his eyebrows. “Or maybe not hate. Hate is a strong word. So intense.”

“Shut up,” Rey said, trying to control the blush that was definitely creeping up her cheeks and she couldn’t stop. “His dad is coming to town, and he hates the guy. He just wanted some back-up.”

Finn raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t he have friends?”

“I actually asked him that,” Rey said, taking another bite of her pizza. Pretending everything was calm and fine. “But they were all busy or something.”

“So you just accepted it?” Rose asked. “Rey. You know.”

“Oh, stop it, all of you,” Rey complained. “He practically begged me to come.”

“Begged?” Poe said, incredulous. “I don’t think that guy has begged for anything in his life, you know with the exception of maybe some really kinky BDS—”

Finn put his hand in Poe’s mouth before he finished the sentence.

“Control your boyfriend,” Rose told Finn. “This is a family home.”

Finn glared at Rose, who shook her head.

“Will you behave?” Finn muttered, his eyes fixed on Poe.

Poe did a muffled sound, and Finn took his hand off. Poe stared daggers at all of them in turn.

“You know what I mean,” Poe said, “But if you say so, that’s what happened. You know. If you want to keep on denying it.”

“I’m not denying anything.”

“Whose hoodie is that?” Rose asked, pointing to what she was wearing. “It’s too big for you. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Rey opened her mouth to protest, but all three of her friends were kind of waiting for another excuse. Hard as she tried, she couldn’t find one. She just didn’t return the hoodie because it was comfortable, and that was that. It also made her feel warm, and there was still a bit of Ben’s perfume hanging in the fabric.

“Nothing happened,” Rey said. “I mean, again.”

They all groaned loudly. Rose threw an empty plastic cup at her head.

“Rey, it’s okay to admit that he’s hot,” Poe said. “It’s fine.”

“He isn’t, though,” Finn protested. “His ears are too big. His nose is a bit too long, and he’s just weird. His face is weird.”

“Hush, not everyone can afford to be with someone as handsome as me,” Poe said. “Most people are in fact intimidated by it.”

“Shut up.”

Poe gestured to Finn. “Can you believe this guy? Telling me to shut up? Who does he think he is?”

Finn put his hand over Poe’s mouth again, and Poe held him back in protest.

“Look,” Rose finally said, “If you think he’s hot, we’re not going to judge you. Only a tiny little bit, but still. Go for it.”

“I’m not falling for him,” Rey said. “I don’t even _like_ him!”

Rose sighed. “Okay. Keep telling yourself that.”

“Or just bang him again and have it over with,” Poe suggested. “That usually works.”

“What?” Finn protested. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Also, Rey, you slept with him? Why am I hearing this just now?”

Rey sighed. “It happened like, one time. And it didn’t affect how much I dislike him.”

“You’re going to his mother’s birthday with him! That’s more than I’ve done with every one of my dates!” Rose exclaimed.

“Fine, I give up,” Rey put her hands up. “I’m not discussing this with you all if you can’t believe me.”

“We believe you, but you’re dumb,” Poe pointed out. “That’s what we’re telling you. It’s okay to catch feelings for people, Rey.”

“Not for your enemy.”

“You know that the best way of vanquishing an enemy is befriending him,” Poe said.

“That’s the wisest thing you’ve ever said in your entire life,” Finn told him. “Congratulations.”

Poe planted a kiss on his boyfriend’s mouth. Rey smiled at the two of them. She was glad it was working out, and even their bantering was just…

Rey stopped thinking about bantering. She had not been flirting with Ben Solo all the time. She hated him, and she made it plainly known to him every single day.

But even when she tried to gather her hate, that animosity she felt before, it was gone. All she could feel was the warmth of the hoodie he’d given her, and that strange feeling in her stomach that felt like she was sinking and losing control of her limbs.

“Come on,” Poe said finally, interrupting Rey’s thoughts, “Let’s watch this movie. I’m tired and I want to sleep.”

Rose threw an empty soda bottle at him, and Poe laughed in protest. Soon enough Rey was laughing with them, and things were fine. Her life was right at that moment and there were no feelings she needed to confront.

When she looked at Poe’s and Finn’s hands intertwined, Rey was happy, but there was always that feeling that something was missing.


	28. Chapter 28

Rey got to Ben’s apartment at eight sharp. She was usually late to things, but not this time. She was wearing a light gray dress and a formal dark blue jacket, and she was hoping she was dressed appropriately. She’d tied her hair back in an upper half ponytail to make sure it wasn’t getting in her face, and she worn silver strappy sandals that weren’t too tall.

When she opened the door, Ben looked at her a few seconds before saying anything.

“I’ll be out in a second,” he said, and went back inside to grab a package. When he came back, Rey was inundated with his strong perfume that she’d grown used to smelling in the hoodie, except he was now in flesh standing in front of her.

Rey cleared her thoughts of that, and called back the elevator. They went down in silence, both of them a little awkward. Rey was sure Ben was nervous, and that’s why he wasn’t speaking, but she was second guessing the fact that she was coming. She’d basically offered to appear there to be his support, and Rey wasn’t sure she wanted to fill that role. She hadn’t even batted an eyelash when suggesting, and all of a sudden, she felt like backing down.

They took a cab to the other side of the city, both of them sitting at the back in contemplative silence. Or, in this case, she felt like an intruder in this small space, misplaced and forgotten, and she’d never felt as small as she was before looking out at the city lights at the car window.

Finally, when they got there, Rey thanked the driver and they both stopped by the entryway of the building.

“You okay?” Rey asked.

Ben looked down at her for one second. “Not really.”

“Me neither,” she said, trying to sound braver than she felt. “Let’s go.”

She stepped forward and Ben followed by her side. He didn’t need to wait for the doorman to let them in, and the marble halls were impressive. Ben’s apartment had that new feeling to them, but this building was old and magnanimous, and it demanded respect. Rey felt her stomach churn just at the thought and how it contrasted with her own childhood so much.

When they got to the door, the dinner was already taking place. There were little over thirty people in the living room, exchanging polite conversation, wine glasses in hand. They all looked so elegant that once again Rey had that distinct feeling she did not belong there.

Ben nudged her arm, and she looked up at him.

“Do you want something?” He asked.

“I don’t think I should drink a lot,” Rey said. “I get talkative.”

“One wine glass is not going to kill you,” Ben replied. “And believe me, you’re going to need it.”

She agreed and followed him into the kitchen, where there as an actual waiter working. Ben slipped by the kitchen almost unnoticed, which was funny for someone who was as tall as him. It was like he was a ghost, passing by the apartment, and Rey suddenly had a vision of a younger Ben, as she knew him in school—walking through the parties and everything else like a spirit, and nobody ever paying attention to him.

It was strange to just know that’s how it always was, and she suddenly understood that invisibility that covered them like a shield. It was a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Ben handed Rey a wine glass and got one for his own. He drowned his in one gulp and served more.

“Okay,” Rey said. “If you start doing that, you’re going to end in a hospital by the end of the night, and then we can leave early.”

Ben’s smile was like a shadow. “That sounds like a plan.”

Rey checked out the door again. There were just a lot of older people, people who she didn’t know and that somehow she just didn’t feel comfortable in getting introduced. She knew Ben was going to have to say hi—it was his mom’s party, after all, but Rey didn’t feel like going.

“Where’s the bathroom?” She asked.

“Down the corridor,” Ben told her, and off she went.

Rey felt that same invisibility cloak covering her as she passed by the other guests, glass still in hand, just watching them like someone who looked through a glass. She was not participating in this dinner, she was not even properly a guest. She felt shrunk and small and alone, a suffocating feeling she’d not known in a long time.

Rey drank some more of the wine and looked for the bathroom. The penthouse was big, and it was at least five times the apartment she shared with Rose. There was another living room, a big dining room, and when she went to the corridor, she spotted the bathroom, but she spotted something else, too. The door with the lettering “Ben” on it, as if it hadn’t changed a day.

Rey looked around for a second before she let herself through the door.

Ben’s room was like a relic of the old days. It had plastic dinosaurs and plastic cars, a project solar system Rey remembered seeing once, long ago, and just the general feeling of a kid’s room. She could never imagine something like this had once belonged to Ben, and now as she looked, she could see other evidence of things he’d liked—toy cars and books, so many children’s books that she was afraid that a pile would topple over any second. It was a clustered mess, but as she looked at the dark blue walls, she could almost remember what his childhood tasted like.

On top of the drawers, she found a portrait of Ben as a child. His parent’s arms were around him, and Rey’s heart skipped a beat as she looked at the picture, a long time ago. The room brought her comfort like no other thing in the house—it wasn’t big, and it had personality. It made her feel like someone had truly lived there, and it wasn’t cold.

Rey sat down on the bed, which still had children’s covers on it with little planets and stars. She wondered if Ben wanted to be an astronaut as a child, because it was something she dreamed too. Rey had looked to the stars and wondered that they were much bigger than she was, that her universe was not going to be confined to a tiny bedroom in the orphanage, and that one day she’d just have more and understand more. She wasn’t going to feel alone.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be here,” a voice said from the door.

Rey jumped, distracted, and almost spilled wine on herself. Thankfully, a disaster was averted. The stranger had familiar features—white beard and white hair that was cut a little too long, and his blue eyes were striking. Rey couldn’t quite place where she’d seen him before.

“I’m sorry, I was just looking,” Rey said.

“Curiosity killed the cat.”

Rey blushed a little, trying to find an explanation as to why she was here.

“I’m Ben’s…” The stranger waited for her to confirm who she was, but she had no idea what she was going to say next. She didn’t have a word for it. Instead, she said, “I’m Rey.”

“Nice to meet you, Rey,” the stranger replied. “I’m Luke. Ben’s uncle.”

Ah, Rey thought he looked familiar. She’d seen him a couple of school events before, though Luke didn’t work in publishing. Luke looked around the room.

“Leia never really had the courage to undo this,” Luke said. “But it’s terrible. Looks like the kid died.”

Rey almost blushed, still unsure how to answer to that.

“He went to live with you, right? After the divorce?”

Luke nodded. “Don’t know how much good it did, but I tried. It’s never easy growing up.”

Rey shifted her weight. “Are you just going to sprout wise random knowledge like a monk or something?”

Finally, Luke laughed.

“You can’t be Ben’s friend,” he finally told her. “That kid has no sense of humor.”

“You’d be surprised,” Rey found herself replying, almost sharing a secret smile at all the times she’d seen Ben… well, happy.

It was strange. Looking back and knowing that night at the karaoke, how happy they both were. So strange.

Rey pushed the thought away.

“Good, then,” Luke said. “I’m glad he’s found someone to keep him company in this madness.”

Luke gestured to the corridor, and Rey went back first. The door to Ben’s room closed behind her, and Rey went back to that strange party. She found Ben soon enough, who introduced by name and told the guests she worked with him, and Rey nodded politely along, drinking a little more, and only talking when she felt like she needed to. She sensed Ben’s discomfort with this too, as if he was struggling to fill shoes he was desperately supposed to fill but could never bring himself along, and it was just as frustrating to watch him do that.

When dinner was finally announced, Rey was almost relieved they were halfway through this and would go home soon.

And then she saw Ben’s father.

Rey had only vague memories of him, but he’d left a strong impression. Han Solo was not exactly someone you could forget, and years later, he still brought that impression with him. His smile was easy going, and there was a glint in his eye that spoke of adventure and something unforgettable. He promised the world to people.

Only to leave them hanging behind.

“Hi, Ben,” Han said as he approached. Han stretched his arms, and for a second, Rey wondered if Ben was just going to push him away. Slowly, Ben retributed the hug, and Han clapped his son’s back. “It’s good to see you.”

“Good to see you too,” Ben said, his voice lower than usual.

Rey tensed up besides him.

“And who’s this?” Han asked, suddenly turning to Rey. “New girlfriend?”

“No,” Ben said, now sounding annoyed. “She’s a friend. This is Rey. You remember her. She went to school with me.”

“Oh, the famous Rey,” Han said, opening another smile. “Weren’t you the one who punched him in the schoolyard? Ben cried for a whole week after that.”

Rey tried to smile but it felt forced. Before, she would have found it funny that Ben’s father remembered that incident. Now it was just strange, seeing him laugh so easily about that, and Ben left feeling a little awkward. When Han turned, Rey touched Ben’s hand, just slightly—just a reaffirmation that she was there, as promised.

The others started settling down, and Rey sat besides Ben at the table. Dinner was served, and conversation started. Rey ate her food in silence, watching as the courses came through. She talked a little with Luke, and even paid attention to one of Leia’s wonderful stories, who she’d missed dearly, but there was still something off about all of it.

Rey realized that when Han finally started talking to Ben.

“So, Ben,” Han said, putting a fork of food to his mouth, as casual as it could be. “Tell me about this new job of yours.”

Ben didn’t look up from his plate.

“I’m still on trial for it,” Ben said. “They’re taking their time to decide who’s keeping it.”

“That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,” Han said.

Rey agreed, but she knew it wasn’t the right thing to say.

“It’s just the way it is,” Ben replied, his tone simple. He glanced quickly at Rey. “There’s nothing I can do about that.”

“Well, at least you’re following through,” Han muttered. “That’s something.”

Ben set down his fork.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Han looked up from his food. Rey tensed by Ben’s side, feeling that this was going to take a turn. She nudged Ben slightly, but she didn’t think he’d noticed it.

“Just that,” Han commented. “I’m glad to see you not abandoning anything halfway.”

Ben set his jaw. “Luckily, I didn’t take after my father.”

Suddenly, the conversation in the table had stopped. Leia threw a concerned glance at her ex-husband and her son, as if only now realizing the kind of mistake she’d made here.

“You two,” she said, “behave.”

Ben threw a glance at his mother. For a minute, Rey thought that was going to be enough—that it was just going to end as it had started, but Ben was still tense by her side, his muscles on edge.

“You are one to say,” Han said. “You left your mother too.”

Ben got up, rising from his chair, and so did Han. They faced each other, and Rey thought of bringing him back down, but then she’d imagined it would only be worse. Her veins were boiling in anger too. Who did he think he was, accusing Ben of that? How could he even say such a thing?

“I didn’t,” Ben said. “And you don’t get to be the one who dictates that.”

Ben turned around, leaving his chair and his unfinished dinner. Han was about to say something to his back, but Ben was faster. One second he’d turned around and left the room, no more words wasted, his anger still bubbling inside him.

Han sat back down.

“Well, that hasn’t changed, has it,” Han muttered.

Rey couldn’t stand being quiet anymore.

“Who are you to say that?” She said, facing him. She didn’t care that she was speaking out of turn, that she knew nobody in this dinner, and that it was Leia’s birthday. She just didn’t care. She couldn’t keep quiet. “How do you know what has changed and what hasn’t? You weren’t here. You never were.”

Leia blinked, surprised, but Rey didn’t think she needed a response. She would keep her own dignity, thanks very much.

“That’s not what I—” Han started to say.

“And?” Rey asked. “It doesn’t make a difference.”

“That boy is too sensitive.”

“Maybe,” Rey said. “But you wouldn’t really know it. You weren’t here to raise him.”

Rey stood up, all eyes still on her, and then she went after Ben.


	29. Chapter 29

Rey made it all the way to the rooftop. She only had to climb one single set of stairs, but the stark contrast between both places was obvious. Although Leia’s apartment was the penthouse, the rooftop was bare, the feeling of the old building restored here. It was only concrete and metal, and nothing more. Rey liked the simplicity of it.

Ben was seated on a wooden step, looking out into the lights of the city beyond. Rey stood in front of him, and he finally turned to her. He still looked angry, his cheeks a little flushed, something dark flashing in his eyes.

“Sorry to blow up like that,” he said. “I don’t think you needed to see it.”

“Are you kidding me?” Rey asked. “It was the most exciting thing I was going to see all evening.”

Ben tried to smile, but she could see his mood wasn’t lifted yet. There was that anger to him, something she’d never seen before, a sharp edge to his contour. It was strange, for once, feeling like she knew and understood him. He was familiar.

She used to feel like that, too.

“I would have done the same,” she finally said.

“No, you wouldn’t,” he replied. “You’re so…”

“In control?” Rey asked, snorting. “Ben, I sent an e-mail meant to you that first week and almost got fired. I wouldn’t exactly call myself self-centered.”

“But you don’t show it to other people.”

“Well, it’s because I learned it the hard way.”

They both fell into a strange silence. Rey leaned over to the parapet, looking down below at the cars. She used to be afraid of heights as a child, but she got over it quick. The lights were shining, blinking in the distance, and Rey wondered how many different lives they were living, how unaware other people often were, and how the world was so big around them and she was just another small piece in this big puzzle.

She turned to Ben once more.

“I’m sorry I didn’t do my part,” she said. “I promised I’d keep you company, and it ended up falling into this.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ben replied almost automatically. “I dreaded something like this would happen. I just didn’t think…”

His voice trailed off, and Rey waited for him to find the right words.

“A lot of people don’t think I get along with my mother, and that I was the reason he left, too.”

“That’s bullshit.”

Ben looked up sharply at her, and Rey had said it with such confidence that she hadn’t hesitated.

Rey knew that feeling, deep down, things that people would say when they discovered she was an orphan. And not even just an orphan with dead parents, because that warranted pity, but just another abandoned child. They judged, and they never understood.

“It’s not your fault,” Rey said. “You were just a kid. There’s nothing you could have done.”

“Still,” Ben said. “He’s not wrong. I did leave her.”

“Ben, you were twelve,” Rey said matter-of-factly. “Think about what you were saying. You saw your parents fighting, and fighting over you, and of course you wanted to go away. None of this is your fault.”

Ben looked at the city lights. The light twinkled and danced in the reflection of his dark eyes, and Rey watched him intently, waiting.

“You can’t change these things,” Rey said. “I know how hard it is. I spent most of my teenage years obsessed with the idea of finding my parents. I wanted them to see me, to see how I turned out, and I wanted them to take me back.” She felt a bob in her throat, tight and swelling. She’d never told this to anyone. She preferred to let other people know she wasn’t bothered by the fact that she didn’t have a family. Putting a façade so no one would pity her. “I wanted them to feel like they’d made a mistake, and then I would go and live with them and everything would be okay.”

She swallowed her tears. It had been years now. But she never forgot. She never forgot how she marked the days in her calendar, how every single day there was another scratch on the wall. She knew them as well as the palms of her hand.

But it didn’t change things for her. It didn’t change who she was, and that her parents were never going to come back for her. Rey had blamed them for a while, angry that they’d just left her there with no explanation. Now she understood more, but she never forgot that sensation of abandonment, that endless feeling where she hoped someone would show up to claim her. Even now, sometimes, she still thought about it.

“Fantasizing doesn’t really help,” she finally said. “It doesn’t really change what happened. And in the end, none of those things are things you can change. I couldn’t change my parents leaving me behind. You can’t change yours, either.”

Ben looked up at her, his lips parted, as if he was uncertain how to proceed.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I’m sorry they left you behind.”

“It’s no big deal.”

“And even if they did come back,” Ben said, “they would not have deserved you.”

A blush crept into Rey’s cheeks. She tried not to think of her parents and what they would be doing today. It was not something she liked to linger on because she couldn’t change. She’d taken all that anger at being left behind and often exploded, and this is why she was so rash over the years. It had taken time to understand.

Rey carved a path for herself. She was not going to let anyone else take credit for it.

Her story was hers to make, and hers alone.

“I used to come here a lot,” Ben changed the subject. “When they were fighting. I liked to see all the other people and imagine what they were doing. Kind of like a book.”

“I always liked watching them too,” Rey replied. “Though it’s a little sad, isn’t it? Just watching.”

Ben shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s how I figured out what I wanted to be. I came here, and I thought of all these stories, and then I just wanted them to one day be able to help them into the world. To help other people tell their stories.”

Rey smiled just as he was saying it, because that’s how she’d first started too. Not just reading the stories she loved. But taking them to the world, giving them in other people’s hands. Helping others like her.

“I used to dream of opening a publisher too,” Rey confessed. “Just publishing the things I like myself. No questions asked.”

Ben smiled. “It’s strange. To think of you and I having the same dream.”

They lingered together in the silence of the rooftop, and Rey felt like there was a hundred different unspoken words between them, things she could never truly understand. But there was something else, too, a sensation that was growing inside her and she really wasn’t strong enough to stop it. Something she didn’t dare name, and that she knew was there when she looked at Ben.

Ben stood up and leaned against the parapet next to her, their shoulders almost touching. She could feel his warmth, and here, she felt okay. She felt more than that. It was a sensation of peace she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Maybe one day,” Rey said. “It’s a pity we only get to do contracts and that kind of stuff. It kills us a little, in the end.”

Ben agreed in silence. Every time she thought about it, it grew a little worse. She wanted this job, she knew she wanted it. It still wasn’t what she expected. It wasn’t like she dreamed it would be.

“I just…” Rey started, without knowing where she was going exactly, but knowing she wanted to get that out in the world. She’d spent so long keeping the dreams to herself, sharing them with no one else. It didn’t feel right. It felt like she was keeping something at bay, and she was never going to reach out enough for it if she didn’t share it with anyone. “I wanted to have this one thing. To maybe help share other stories, so they’d feel less lonely.”

She waited, wet her lips.

“So _I_ would feel less alone.”

Rey stopped, waiting, and that ache in her chest returned. That sensation of loneliness she could never truly drive away. The one thing that always made her feel isolated, like she would never find someone who truly understood her.

Ben touched his hand slightly to hers.

“You’re not alone,” he said, looking down so their eyes met.

In that moment, Rey realized, that it was maybe too late to ever say anything back. That she could no longer hold on to that stupid hate she felt, that superficial emotion she’d held on for so long because it was easier holding it than understanding. Now speaking to him, Rey understood. She understood what she’d gone through all those years ago, and why she kept still circling back to this.

Back to him.

Rey smiled.

“Neither are you.”


	30. Chapter 30

They sneaked out of the roof and back to the ground floor, not bothering to come back to the party at all. Rey felt glad that they were just leaving like this—she had no intention of going back to that table or that apartment, which felt like a strange, different reality than the one she was used to, like stepping into a pool of the other world.

Ben and Rey walked side by side on the sidewalk, and Rey hugged herself closer once more. She hated the cold. Even if she had grown up in the city, she could never get used to it. She missed the weight of any of Ben’s coat, but this time she’d been smart enough to bring her own.

She was walking a dangerous edge.

“Thanks for coming tonight,” Ben said as they walked.

“No problem,” Rey said. “That’s what enemies are for.”

“As long as you don’t tell anyone what happened.”

“Then what’s the use of being here?” Rey said. Her teeth were starting to chatter, but there was not one single cab in sight. God, she hated this place. It could be so inconvenient. She felt the breeze in her legs, defiant, as if daring Rey to withstand it.

Ben stopped in the sidewalk.

“That’s my dad’s car.”

Rey looked at it. It was indeed a piece of junk, but she could recognize it for what it was—a classic, too. Leather sets, an original shift and well-kept wheels. She understood why Han cared so much about his car. A mischievous grin crept up her face.

“Don’t.”

“Solo, you’re missing an opportunity here,” Rey said. “Why did you even bring me along if you’re not going to let me do anything?”

He looked at her exasperated. “Fine. But no permanent damage.”

“No damage is ever permanent,” Rey said wisely. “Watch my back.”

Ben sighed, but he still stood on the sidewalk dutifully, watching to see if there were other passerbys. Thankfully, it was both cold and late already, so there weren’t too many people around. Rey crouched on the sidewalk, trying not to be improper with her dress, and picked up a small stone. She stood next to the car, and then went up front and started making three scratches on its side, evenly.

“What are you doing?” Ben hissed.

“Shut up and let me work!”

She finished them, and got to the other side, doing the same three scratch marks in the painting. It wasn’t so terrible—honestly, the car was already falling to pieces—but it was still evident that there was something wrong.

“Look, it has whiskers now,” Rey said grinning.

“Cute,” Ben said, but he had one of his secret smiles to his lips. Almost like he refused admitting he’d enjoyed it. “Let’s go.”

“Yes, to have a drink to our victory,” Rey announced. “I’m freezing out here, and I’m still hungry. Let’s get drunk.”

She dropped the stone and marched away in the street, Ben following close on her heels, both of them looking back at the car and smiling to themselves.

 

#

 

They found a place surprisingly close to Ben’s apartment that was open and still had a couple of people drinking. They both slid into seats opposite each other, and Rey couldn’t remember the last time she was sitting this close to him, staring him in the face.

She didn’t know how to feel about it.

The waiter came to them, ready for the order.

“Two beers and a portion of french fries,” Rey said. “What do you want?”

“One beer is fine for me,” Ben said.

“Okay, three beers then,” Rey said, and opened up a smile.

Ben shook his head as the waiter left. The bar wasn’t too full, and the space was warmer than outside. Rey regretted wearing this dress, though she liked it a lot. The waiter came back a second later with her beer, and Rey poured it into a glass and drank.

“Is it wise to mix drinks?” Ben asked, raising an eyebrow.

“What are you, my mother?” Rey asked. “Look, you survived this stupid dinner with your stupid dad. You should be the one celebrating, not me.”

“What are you here for?”

“To drink in peace,” Rey said. “And for the warmth, obviously. I hate this weather.”

Ben laughed, and they clinked the bottles. He drank, too, a warm blush already creeping into his cheeks. Rey stared in disbelief.

“Oh my god, you’re an easy drunk,” she stated. “I can’t believe this. Ben Solo can’t hold his liquor.”

Ben’s blush deepened. “Lay off.”

Rey laughed, and drunk more of hers. Soon enough, she’d finished the whole first bottle. She was feeling a lot better already. There was a strange sensation still remaining from the rooftop, from the words they shared. Up there, they were alone and there was nothing else, but Rey couldn’t help but think that the feeling lingered, and she didn’t know what to make of it.

It had been a strange, intimate moment, and Rey didn’t understand where this was going.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

“I know everything about you,” Rey said.

Ben raised his eyebrows, then his mouth spread into a knowing smile that made the hairs on the back of her neck rise.

“Ah, you do.”

A blush crept into her cheeks, and Rey looked away. It was probably from all the drinking they were doing. They should definitely just go home. Instead, she called the waiter for another beer, and their French fries arrived, and Rey devoured them.

“You can’t possibly think you’re that interesting,” Rey said instead. Rey noticed he was starting his second beer now. “Solo, you’re a nerd. I’ve known you since forever. You can’t surprise me.”

“I will take you up on that,” Ben said. He stole one of her French fries, and Rey let him. She noticed how long his fingers were, their knuckles white. They were surprisingly delicate, and Rey wanted to touch them for no reason at all.

“Fine,” Rey replied. “Surprise me.”

“You were my first kiss.”

Rey looked up sharply. “What?”

“I never told you that. Frankly, I thought you’d try to beat me up.”

Rey laughed.

“You were my first kiss too.”

There was something in his eyes when he looked up that she couldn’t quite place.

“You kissed me, _your_ first kiss, because you didn’t want to back out of a dare?”

“Of course.”

“I think that should surprise me,” he finally said. “But it doesn’t.”

“Are you calling me competitive?”

“Yes,” Ben said, reassured. “You say you know me, but I know you, too. All these years have to count for something.”

Rey felt something strange shift inside her. As if him knowing her made an entire world of possibilities available, and she wasn’t sure she liked that at all, or if her head was just dizzy because she was drinking too fast. She didn’t really want to think up of any alternatives.

“Tell me, then,” she dared.

Ben stopped for a second. He was already in his third beer, and there was a lot of color flushed in his cheeks. Considering he was almost double her size, it was too funny. She hoped she didn’t have to carry him home. Thank God they were kind of near his apartment.

“You like dogs but you aren’t a huge fan of cats,” he said. “You love drinking beer but you can’t abide whiskey. Your favorite color is gray, because it reminds you of the rain. You hate the cold, but you always loved the storm clouds. You always shower in the mornings. You love reading but you love mechanics, too, or you used to love it a lot. You love sugary things but don’t like anything with strawberry on them, because you think it tastes fake. You don’t like celebrating your birthday, but you love celebrating everyone else’s. You’re not allergic to anything, though once you went to the hospital because you’d eaten a whole 1kg bag of m&ms on your own.”

Rey stared open mouthed at him, and for a second, she still didn’t know what to say. All those things were true.

And it wasn’t just things that were a part of her life, things that she loved or cared about. They were details. Important details. Details known to people who truly cared about her.

“How can you remember all of that?” She asked.

Ben shrugged. “I pay attention.”

Rey found herself smiling, and they both drank more and kept talking. It was strangely easy talking to Ben, especially away from everything else—in here, it seemed like they were in a world of their own, with nothing else to bring them back to reality. They talked about their childhood, and about pranks in school, and Ben told her about being in the college basketball team and the legendary Knights of Ren, which was a ridiculous name. He talked about his failed heavy metal band from high school and his friends and all the things he thought about when he left Organa Editions, and how it was still strange that people thought he’d do that kind of thing.

Rey told him about wanting to travel the world while in college, about finding friendship after so many years with Rose and Finn, and she told him about her first internship with an agency, and how much she’d yearned for the things she couldn’t really have.

When she finally looked at her cell phone, it was almost three am, and there were several empty glass bottles on their table.

“We need to go home,” she finally said.

“Yes,” Ben agreed vehemently, getting up and almost turning the table. God, he was drunk. More drunk than she was. “That sounds like a good idea. Why is everything spinning?”

Rey laughed and paid the bill, while Ben blinked slowly, entranced by the light. It was strange seeing him like this, when he was usually so contained within himself. That was the word she was looking for—Ben was contained. He didn’t spill, he didn’t let anyone else see through him. And now, it was almost like taking a forbidden glance at him.

It made her both excited and afraid all at once.

“Let’s go,” Rey said. “I’ll drop you home.”

“I don’t think I can walk.”

“It’s only two blocks away. You can do this.”

Ben could, ever so slowly, and Rey found herself instead helping him—she put his right arm around her, and together they walked back to his apartment. Rey tried hard concentrating on the cold breeze on her cheeks, or the sounds of the city streets, and not on Ben’s warmth next to her, on his perfume or the way she fit perfectly under his arm.

They got to the apartment almost twenty minutes later, and Rey fished for his keys in his jacket pocket. They got inside while everything was still dark.

“Can you get yourself to bed?” She asked.

“I’m drunk, not an idiot,” Ben replied.

“One can argue.”

Ben stumbled into his bedroom, and Rey followed him just out of concern. She couldn’t just leave him there. If he fell and hit his head it would be her fault, and that’s the last thing she wanted.

She drew the limit on giving him a shower. He wasn’t that drunk and neither was Rey to know that this idea might lead to bad places.

Ben sat on the bed, and the wedding invitation was still there. Rey had almost forgotten about the bet. When she looked at him, she realized that the wedding might almost be fun—because that’s what she’d had tonight. Despite the odds, she had fun. She liked talking to him.

She felt another piece of her giving up on the whole idea of hating him in the first place, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t concentrate on it. That feeling of hatred was gone.

It vanished before she could grasp it again.

She didn’t think she wanted to.

“This is going to be fun,” Ben said.

“You don’t make it sound like it’s fun.”

Ben sighed, dropping into the bed. His hair fell around the pillow like a crown, and Rey resisted the urge to smooth it, to not sit beside him and braid his hair, like she used to do with her classmates when she was a child.

“I don’t know,” Ben said, closing his eyes. “I don’t like weddings.”

“Everyone loves weddings. Don’t be bitter.”

“It’s not bitterness, it’s just…” His voice trailed off. It was almost like a confession, and Rey stopped, wanting to hear it. She could hear her own heart, drumming fast against her ribcage, waiting for one sound that she didn’t know she was expecting. “It’s complicated when everyone else is resolved, and you’re not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m in love with someone,” he told her, and Rey felt a sudden pain in her chest. She pretended it was from digestion, but she still held her breath. Waiting. “She doesn’t love me back.”

“She doesn’t?”

“Definitely not,” he replied. “So I just stand here waiting for the day it’s going to stop.”

“That’s very emo of you.”

“Shut up.”

Rey waited, but Ben already had his eyes closed. There was something about this moment, that suspension where she was just standing in his room, waiting for something. But that confession was not it. It was all wrong.

Rey didn’t even know what to say or to think. Her body was acting all strange, dizzy with alcohol, but still holding on to something. Hoping to hear something different.

“Good night, Rey.”

Rey hadn’t noticed that he’d switched to using her name. Maybe it was because it felt right in his mouth, the way he pronounced it. Like he wasn’t supposed to pronounce it any other way.

It was just the two of them, holding on forever.

“Good night, Ben.”

Ben turned, fast asleep, as if they weren’t talking just one minute before. Rey found herself smiling, and she covered him so he wouldn’t be cold.

Rey watched him sleep, and that’s when it hit her.

She was falling in love with Ben Solo.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey's back on her bullshit

No. No way this was happening.

This couldn’t be happening.

No. Just no. Definitely not what Rey was supposed to be thinking or feeling. It was ridiculous even thinking it. It just couldn’t be, and she refused to believe it.

She breathed deep, trying to gather all the thoughts and push it all back. There was only one week left. One week. By next Monday, they’d know who got the job, and she just wouldn’t have to deal with Ben’s face anymore.

By the time she got home, she’d been over these thoughts so many times that her mind had entered a loop of its own, but she could almost convince herself that this was not indeed happening. It was just something that had invaded her mind in a moment of weakness, fooled by that strange connection that they’d formed in the rooftop.

It didn’t _mean_ anything.

She’d paced the apartment back and forth, driving circles into her carpet. It was just ridiculous. This didn’t feel like love, right? She hated him, for heaven’s sake. It wasn’t like she’d been desperately in love with him from the moment she saw him. She sent him flowers even though he was allergic, and she’d stolen a couple of his coats (she did own coats, but she didn’t exactly like her own. So).

And okay, she’d definitely had liked his company. He’d helped her. She’d missed him when he wasn’t at work, and she missed talking to him. Strange, quiet moments between them, or just remembering the old school days. They had a connection.

But a connection didn’t mean that she was in love or whatever other wild idea her brain had decided to stick to.

This was ridiculous. She’d read too many romances and she was getting affected. Besides, love wasn’t supposed to feel like this. It was supposed to feel…

Rey’s mind came up empty. She turned in her bed. She wasn’t going to sleep like this, not if her brain kept her up all night. Her body was already very tired, and all the beers she’d drunk didn’t help. Her body was drowsy, and her mind was wide awake, running with possibilities.

Or lack of possibilities.

One single sentence that slipped her mind, and there she was, lost like a schoolgirl of fifteen. Worse, because she was almost thirty, and acting like she’d just had her first kiss, giddy and strange.

It was a stupid trap, from the beginning, and Rey thought she wasn’t falling. Like Alice’s rabbit hole. She only now realized it was too late. Too late for her to do anything at all.

She closed her eyes, and all she saw was Ben. His hair, which she’d ran her fingers through that night at the hotel, his nose which was just a little big for the rest of his face, the scar that marred his right cheek. Even the way he held his pen while writing, his shoulders hunched just a little, his brow furrowed in concentration. It was everything at once, that overwhelming feeling that rose from the bottom of her stomach, and left her knees trembling just a little, her mouth dry.

No. This was just dehydration from all the drinking.

She was delirious. That was all.

Rey sat up in bed. She knew she wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime again soon. Cursing herself and her own mind, she got up, walking to the kitchen and getting more water. Maybe this way the blood and oxygen would start flowing back into her brain and make her thinking process function the way it was supposed to function.

She finished drinking her glass and already felt her mind beginning to clear. What she needed was some proper, logical answers. None of this overthinking and sweating in bed while trying to figure things out. She needed proper scientific research.

Rey went back to her room and picked up her phone. Opening a new tab, she typed the words HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE FALLING IN LOVE.

There.

Scientific research.

Google popped up with a countless number of answers. She clicked on the first few articles, which spoke of things like seratonin and oxytocin, and really, science she couldn’t deal with. Those were not the things she was looking for. Or ‘11 Signs you’re falling in love according to science’, which was almost like Buzzfeed in their happy tone. Other article suggested romantic comedies, and Rey steered away from that one—simply because they were just there to fabricate an entire reality of possibilities of falling in love, and she most definitely did not want to fabricate it. Whatever snippet she’d had of that feeling, she had enough.

She clicked on another article, from a woman’s magazine. Her eyes scanned over the page, and there were a couple of what she could read as symptoms—some queasiness in her stomach (only to be expected, she really ate badly this week), trembling knees (she loved exercise but skipped leg day, so), and feeling warm near the person (she was always cold, anyway). There was something about the way people experienced pain or felt less grossed out, but those didn’t seem like they applied. Those were just the physical parts, and apparently if you were in love, you were less stressed.

That proved it. Rey had never been so stressed in her entire life than these past few weeks with the job and the fact that she’d had sex with him, and basically every other thing in her life threatening to fall apart. She could curl up and sleep with her stress, and this was the biggest sign she was not in love, and she was going to squash her own brain if it dared to raise the topic again.

Damn it. None of it felt like real, tangible proof.

She put her phone down and covered herself in bed again. It was just wildly ridiculous, all of it. Her own brain had tried playing tricks on her mind.

Besides, she couldn’t forget what Ben had told her before going to sleep. He was in love with someone else—someone who didn’t like him or didn’t know he existed. Maybe this is what it meant for her—maybe this was an actual sign.

Proof.

She could prove that she was not in love with him if she got him together with Ben’s mystery girl.

Rey plopped herself on the mattress again, her head resting against the pillow, a plan forming in her mind. She was going to corner him to get more information. And then she’d work her hardest to set him up with her.

And then her brain would forget any little ideas it had about falling in love with Ben Solo.


	32. Chapter 32

Rey used all her energy on Sunday to overhaul her room and clean all the things she’d kept putting off. She reorganized her bookshelves so they made more sense, stopping to pile books in places that books were supposed to stay in, not the bathroom cabinet. She even cleaned her wardrobe and realized that she’d somehow still kept about 3 of Ben’s coats, black among the more colorful things she was used to wearing. She thought about giving them back but decided against it.

On Monday morning, she had a plan.

“Good morning,” she said, as she stepped into the office, smiling brightly.

Ben looked over at her with narrowed eyes. She didn’t let herself get caught in the trap of looking into his eyes—that was not good. She had a plan. She was determined. She was not letting any of it fall apart just because she was feeling soft over his mopey eyes.

“What are you planning?” He asked.

“Why, can’t a person come in and smile and be happy?” She demanded.

“Not on Monday morning. I know you, Rey.”

The use of her name once more sent goosebumps over her arms. At least while using her surname, it seemed more impersonal. A distance that she should keep to herself.

Not that it mattered. She was most definitely _not_ in love with Ben Solo, so he could call her whatever he wanted.

“Oh yes, I’d forgotten how much of an insufferable know-it-all you were,” Rey replied. “I just had a good night’s sleep. I reorganized my wardrobe.”

“Oh, so you plan on returning my coats?”

He knew. Of course he knew. A blush crept to her cheeks, but she tried to muster her dignity.

“I thought you hadn’t noticed,” she said absentmindedly, sorting the rest of her contracts into the table. God, there were so many. There was only one week left of the trial, and she couldn’t wait for it to be over.

They were supposed to be rivals. They were working for the same job, and in one week, if he got the job, she’d never be able to forgive him.

Really. She was just preserving herself. She wished she remembered how to hate him. It would definitely make life a hell of a lot easier. No matter how much she tried to gather that feeling again, it was like trying to hold mist with her fingers, the feeling dissipating before she even understood the shape of it. Hating Ben Solo was something she’d forgotten how to do, something her body had unlearned slowly every time they spoke.

“I noticed,” he replied, bringing her back to reality. “Don’t think I won’t go to your apartment to get them back.”

“You can’t. It’s warded against evilness and vampires.”

Ben sighed. Time to make her plan work. It wasn’t that hard. She came over to his desk, leaning against it as Ben worked on reviewing another contract. She saw the muscles of his shoulder tense as she approached, but she didn’t let herself falter.

“So you want to talk about what happened on Saturday?”

“You’d be surprised, but I drank too much and I barely remember getting home.”

“Oh, come on Solo, don’t be weak,” Rey teased. “We’ve been over this. And we talked a bunch on Saturday night, but you kinda left some information out for me. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of this.”

He finally looked up to where she was almost sitting on his desk. She raised an eyebrow, and Ben glared.

“Maybe it was a bad idea to bring you along,” he muttered.

“Well, yes, but I left that clear from the beginning. Besides, you needed it. You’re too uptight. How is your dad’s car, by the way?”

That finally got a grin out of him, and Rey’s heart leapt inside her chest like a circus trapezist. Good God. This was getting ridiculous. A smile wasn’t that big of a deal.

“He freaked out,” Ben told her. “I went to get lunch with my mother yesterday, and she told me all about it.”

“Vengeance is a plate better eaten cold,” Rey said. “But maybe not that cold. It was a good plan.”

“It was atrocious, but that’s fine. I’m not crazy enough to stand in your way, Rey.”

“Hey, can I get that on writing and hand it to Ms. Kanata? That way you don’t need to stay until Friday.”

“Nice try.”

She smiled again. Even joking about the job didn’t have the same grip of reality as before. It was almost like… she could get used to losing. Losing to him. She knew how hard he worked, same as she did. Ben had robbed her of that victory, too.

“Okay, but really, I need you to tell me,” Rey said. “I’ve been dying all day yesterday to know. Who’s the girl?”

Ben froze on his desk.

“Who’s what?”

“The girl,” Rey said, trying to muster a smile, be more confident than she was feeling. This was all the proving she needed to do. “The girl you’re in love with.”

“There’s no girl.”

“I remember it distinctively,” Rey said, getting closer to him. She remembered this method from middle school. The closer she got to him, the more unnerved he felt. Also, he would give up faster just because she was near. “Come on, you were drunk, we were talking about out miserable love lives, and you said everyone broke up with you because there’s this girl you love. Tell me who she is.”

“I don’t—”

“Ben. Come on.”

He shut his mouth, sulking in the corner of his desk. Definitely intimidated by her techniques. It was working! All she had to do was corner him so he’d give her the name. That was all she needed. One single name, and her plan would work.

“What does it cost you?” Rey asked. “Just tell me who it is. I’m curious. From the way you were speaking, it was like your whole life was miserable without her.”

“Or with her.”

“Can’t know until you tried it,” Rey said in a sing-song voice. “I need to get back to work, and so do you. But I’m not leaving your desk until I get a name.”

She blinked twice at him, her eyelashes fluttering. Ben cursed inwardly, combing his fingers through his dark hair.

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“I’m your current and only friend,” Rey chanted. “Hux basically abandoned you to your mother’s birthday.”

“She doesn’t like him.”

“Well, he’s miserable, so she’s right. Come on, Ben. Benny. Ben-Ben. Tell me.”

He looked up, his eyes sharp. “Don’t call me that.”

“I’m going to keep calling you cute names until you give up,” Rey said. “Besides, it won’t cost you anything. I’m just curious. I want to know who this mysterious girl is, who destroyed your life in a way you won’t ever be able to recover.”

“She didn’t destroy my life,” he replied, irritated. “She’s just… she doesn’t love me back. No big deal.”

“Oh, the unrequited love story,” Rey said loudly, and Ben glared at her again. “You can’t keep listening to Avril Lavigne albums alone in your room just because she doesn’t love you. Do something.”

“I don’t want to tell her.”

“You’re the worst,” Rey said. “No wonder you’re alone. Come on, tell me the name.”

“Rey, go away.”

“Her name, Ben. Only one name. Small price to pay. Promise I’ll leave you alone all day after this.”

He sighed, looking up at her. Rey didn’t move. She didn’t let herself falter from the look in his eyes, as if he was trying to look deep into her soul and eat up all her secrets.

She didn’t have any secrets. That wasn’t the point.

She wasn’t hiding anything from him.

“You promise?” He asked.

“Of course I promise,” she replied, smiling sweetly. “I just want to know.”

Ben sighed. “Fine. It’s Connix. Happy now?”

Wow. Connix. Rey raised an eyebrow—she never took Ben to have mommy issues, but Connix reminded her of Leia a lot. But who was she to judge? All she had to do was get her plan to work and make sure they had a date together. She was doing this for Ben, and Ben’s happiness. She was above all, proving that she was altruistic and definitely not catching feelings for Ben.

“Okay, I’m happy, thanks,” Rey said, hopping down from the table and going back to her own desk. She opened up her laptop and got her skills to work, finding Connix almost immediately on Facebook. Her plan was taking shape in her mind. “Hey, Ben?”

He looked up at her again, a slight frown on his forehead.

“Want to go get dinner tomorrow night?” She asked.

He took a second before answering. “Okay.”

“Great,” Rey said with a smile.

She couldn’t wait till her plan worked.


	33. Chapter 33

Poe, Finn and Rose accepted her invitation to come into the Thai restaurant with only a couple of questions. Rey was evasive about it, but she’d played her cards well—the cards being ‘I missed hanging out on Saturday, so I owe you one’. Poe was never one to say no, so they’d ended up huddled together in a dark corner of the restaurant, Rey positioning herself so she could see the door.

“Well, well,” Poe said, looking at the menu, “I don’t think there’s a single thing here that doesn’t have spice in it. Sure you can handle it, Rey?”

“I’ll get the kid’s menu,” she replied.

Rose raised an eyebrow but said nothing. She was sitting opposite Rey, while Finn had his back to the door next to her. She’d wondered if the couple didn’t want to sit together, but Finn and Poe were adamant about being a couple in public while out with friends—they’d keep their kissing to a minimum so it wasn’t uncomfortable to look at them. Rey was fine with this, and kept checking the door. Any minute now.

“You know, I don’t exactly believe in your good heart,” Poe said again. “What are we doing here?”

“Nothing,” Rey replied. “I just came here to be with my friends.”

Finn raised an eyebrow at her. “And you couldn’t pick McDonald’s?”

“I’ve eaten yesterday, can’t eat the hamburgers twice,” Rey said as a flimsy excuse. She’d once eaten hamburgers for her only meal for seven straight days, and she had no regrets about it either. “Why can’t you simply enjoy being in my wonderful company?”

That sparked a laugh out of Rose. “You know what? Okay. I’ll buy into that.”

The words were barely out of her mouth when Rey spotted Connix coming into the restaurant. She was wearing a golden dress, her hair in two buns low on her head, earrings dangling from her ear. Rey kind of doubted she would come, especially after her weird message, but she was glad that Connix came. Rey leapt out of the chair, and a waitress showed her to a table in the middle of the restaurant. Excellent. She could spot them perfectly from here, monitoring everything that was happening.

Poe followed her gaze to the table.

“Hey, isn’t that Kaydel?” Poe asked. “Didn’t she go with you to—”

He didn’t finish his sentence. A second later, Ben came through the door.

He was not wearing a suit, at least. He was still wearing dark clothes, of course, but she could see his effort to be a little more informal. Dark jeans, a black shirt and a black jacket that had no right to look this good. His hair wasn’t combed back like he did at work, falling in waves over his shoulders. Rey’s heart went to her mouth.

He looked around the room first, and then his eyes spotted Connix.

His mouth went slack, and then his eyes searched the room and found Rey’s.

Oops.

She was in trouble.

“So _Ben_ is here,” Poe said, unnecessarily. “Care explaining that?”

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at her on the table. Rey simply didn’t bother contradicting them on anything.

“I gotta go,” she said.

“Of course you do,” Finn sighed exasperatedly. “We’re gonna order spring rolls.”

Rey jumped from the table, sneaking from the corner of the room so Connix wouldn’t see her. She got to the door of the restaurant, where Ben was still standing, refusing to come inside. Connix hadn’t spotted him yet, at least, so there was time.

“What is she doing here?” was the first thing Ben asked as Rey came closer to him.

“I invited her,” Rey said, not bothering to lie. “You know. So you guys go on a date.”

“A date?” He said, his voice on a dangerous edge. This didn’t sound good, but Rey was about to ignore all the signs. She wasn’t giving up on this. “What did you do?”

“Well…” Rey started, then cleared her throat. She gave him her best, most sweet smile. “After you told me it was her, I called her and pretended I was you. She agreed to come to a date.”

“And I agreed to come with you,” he said.

“Well, I’m here,” Rey said. “I just won’t be sitting at a table.”

Ben turned around to leave, and Rey jumped in front of him.

“No. You’re not walking out on me.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“True. But I will physically stop you if I must, trampling you to the ground on this fancy restaurant. And then how would you look?”

His frown deepened, and Rey could see she’d won this one small argument.

“Come on, it’s just a date.”

“A date I didn’t agree on,” Ben countered.

“With the woman you love!” Rey interjected, maybe a little too loudly. Only the waitress gave her a strange look. “You can’t turn your back now. You can’t know how this goes unless you try.”

“Rey.”

“Ben.”

“Rey,” he repeated.

“ _Ben_ ,” she said emphatically.

She didn’t move.

“Fine,” he finally said, turning back.

“Good,” Rey said. “If you need help, I’m at the back of the restaurant.”

Ben rolled his eyes, and then marched over to the table. Rey observed as Connix’s eyes lit up when she saw Ben, and there was a pit at the bottom of the stomach.

She was hungry. Just hungry.

Rey sneaked back to her table. She could see Ben from this angle, just barely.

“So,” Rose said, as Rey sat again. “Do you want to tell us what this is all about?”

“A date,” Rey said. “For Ben. He told me about this girl he likes, so I decided to give him a push. I called her, and set it up.”

“Then why the hell did he try to run away when he saw her?” Finn asked.

“I don’t know,” Rey answered with a shrug. “Maybe he’s just dreading another rejection. He won’t know until he tries.”

“I think that’s all very weird,” Poe announced. “Why would you help him on a date? I thought you wanted him miserable. Or you went past that?”

Rey didn’t have an answer to that.

“Well, at least you can admit you don’t hate him,” Rose said with a sigh of relief, picking up the last of the spring rolls and shoving it into her mouth. “So what exactly are we doing here?”

“Support,” Rey replied.

“So he doesn’t run away?” Finn asked. “I don’t think I understand the situation here. Why did you have to come at all?”

Rey looked at the couple on the table. Ben’s shoulders were still tense beneath his jacket, but he was talking to Connix, at least. That was something. Maybe this wasn’t going to be a disaster. Just maybe.

Her stomach sank again.

“I don’t know,” Rey admitted. “I just wanted help with this. Can we order something?”

She quickly tried shoving her feelings away, sweeping them under her imaginary rug. The waitress came over and took their orders, and Rey kept watching Ben and Connix like a hawk, barely paying attention to the conversation that was happening in their own table.

The waitress came over with the food a little while later, but she couldn’t even pick it properly. Her stomach was queasy as she watched Ben, the expression lines near his eyes softening. He didn’t smile, though.

Something was wrong.

He was supposed to be smiling. He was supposed to be having the time of his life, with the girl he loved. That’s what this whole date was about. She’d even ordered something spicy (though it was the least spicy thing on the menu), just to make sure everything was going all right with this date.

She was supposed to be proving things, proving that she didn’t like him.

And he was supposed to be goddamn grateful for it.

“That’s it,” Rey said. “I’m going there.”

Finn held her hand. “What?”

“He doesn’t look like he’s having fun,” she said. “He’s supposed to have fun. He’s supposed to like her. He looks like he’s in excruciating pain.”

“That’s just his face,” Poe pointed out, stealing a bite of bell peppers from Finn’s plate and crunching them loudly on his mouth. “Don’t blame him.”

“No, he’s supposed to like it,” Rey insisted. “That’s what this whole thing was about.”

Rose gave her a strange look, but at least this time, no one stopped her from getting up. She quickly assessed the situation. She couldn’t simply barge in to their conversation. Besides, what would she even say? It’s not like she had an excuse to be there. It’s not like she wasn’t setting them up and dying to eavesdrop on every tiny bit of conversation.

It’s not like Ben knew she had something to prove.

Rey sneaked instead to the bathroom, trying to casually pass the table by and see if there was anything worthwhile to hear. She spent a few minutes looking at the mirror, considering splashing water on her face because she was sweaty, but she didn’t want to ruin the light make up she put there. She fidgeted inside the room, and then got out again.

Ben was waiting for her.

“What are you doing?”

“Me? Nothing,” she was quick to say. “I was just wondering how the conversation was going.”

A vein popped in Ben’s neck. “It’s fine. Can you please stop moving around so much? It’s annoying me.”

“Oh, it’s annoying you? What if I have urinary incontinence?”

He only stared at her. Rey couldn’t believe the words had actually left her mouth like that, but she was nervous. There was something weird about this situation.

“Just go back to the table,” Rey said. “You should be on a date having fun. Why aren’t you having fun?”

“Because you keep staring at me like a psycho,” Ben said.

He had a point.

“Okay,” she conceded. “I’m going back to my table.”

“Fine,” Ben said.

“Fine,” Rey replied, her tone irritated.

She sneaked by Connix once again, staring daggers at her back. Maybe she was boring. Maybe she really did hate Ben, and then she didn’t deserve him. Honestly, no girl who hated him actually deserved him, because they didn’t really understand him as a person. They didn’t know his story, they didn’t know his motives.

They didn’t know him.

She sat back down at her table, and Rose raised an eyebrow.

“What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” Rey replied. “I’m tired. I think I have a fever.”

“You have something else, sister,” Poe said. “You’ve been fidgeting all night. Barely even eaten something.”

“I’m fine,” Rey insisted. “I just… I wanted this to work.”

“It seems like it works,” Finn said.

Just at this moment, Rey looked back at the table, and Ben was laughing.

He was laughing.

With Connix.

Rey felt her throat bob again. What the hell? It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. It was supposed to feel like a victory. A triumph. Towering over her vanquished and weird feelings, proving to her brain that there was nothing she should be worried about. No weird, underlying, sneaky feelings that were trying to get the best of her.

She kept looking at the table. The date was going out well. Ben kept smiling, the tilt in his scar obvious with his lips. He seemed happy.

Rey was glowering, drinking in sulky silence.

“What is wrong with you?” Poe finally asked, losing his patience. “We’ve been standing here for hours and you’ve barely said anything.”

“I’m fine,” Rey repeated. “It’s just…”

“Ben is having fun,” Finn said, looking over at the table. “The date is going well. It’s what you wanted, right?”

Yes, it was. Of course it was.

Then God, why couldn’t she just be happy?

“Yes,” she said. “It’s what I wanted.”

Rose looked sideways at her.

“I know what you have,” Rose finally said. “I’ve solved the great mystery. I’m the next Sherlock Holmes.”

Finn raised an eyebrow.

Rey only looked at her friend.

“Rey, tell us what you’re feeling,” Rose said.

“I’m not feeling anything,” Rey complained. “Leave me alone.”

“You’re setting fire to at least half the restaurant in your mind,” Poe replied. “Really. I know that gaze before. Happened to me while I was in BookExpo last year and had to hear from that insufferable Chad Murray book.”

“Oh please, not this again,” Finn complained.

Poe gave his boyfriend a look. “I can’t express myself enough on this.”

Rey only raised an eyebrow, but tried not to tear her gaze away from Ben’s table.

“So who is she?” Rose asked. “This Connix girl?”

“Oh, she worked for Leia a while,” Poe replied. “Went to school with you, right, Rey?”

“Yes,” Rey replied between gritted teeth.

“And what is she like?” Rose asked. She was eying Rey attentively.

“Oh, she’s wonderful,” Poe said. “She’s super fun, and there was once—”

“She’s not that fun,” Rey said. “Never thought she was interesting, anyway.”

Rose gave her a triumphant smile.

“What?” Rey asked irritably.

“Oh,” Poe said. “ _Oh._ ”

“Oh, what?” Rey asked.

Her three friends exchanged a look and started to laugh. Finn coughed into his napkin, trying to hold it together.

“Rey, you’re jealous,” Rose laughed.

Rey opened her mouth in offense.

“I am _not._ ”

“You are,” Poe agreed. “Our little Rey, jealous! Oh, will wonders ever cease!”

“Poe, shut up. I am not jealous. I am just… worried. Preoccupied. In disbelief.”

“You’re in denial, that’s what,” Rose muttered.

“I am NOT IN DENIAL!”

She said the last part so loudly that she hadn’t noticed the whole restaurant turn to her. Ben frowned over to her table. Oh no. Oh no, this wasn’t supposed to be happening.

“We’re leaving,” Finn said.

“What?! No!”

“Yes, we are,” Finn said vehemently, giving Rey a dirty look. “I don’t want to get involved in yet another one of your diabolical plans.”

“This wasn’t even an evil plan,” Rey muttered. “Look, just stay for a while.”

“No, we’re all leaving,” Finn said again, and eyed Poe. Poe sighed, finished his drink, and got up. So did Rose. Rey was the only one still sitting at the table.

“I’m not leaving,” Rey said. “I just gotta see this through.”

The three of them exchanged a look. Finally, Rose just shrugged.

“It’s your funeral,” she said.

Rey wished it didn’t really feel like a funeral to her.

No. She refused to feel like a funeral. Rose was out of her mind. She wasn’t jealous. She just wasn’t. Jealousy was a sentiment known to petty people. And okay, Rey was mostly petty, but not for this. She wasn’t jealous that Ben was sitting with a cute girl and having fun. It was all that she actually wanted for this date.

Wasn’t it?

“I’ll be home in a few,” Rey said.

Finn shook his head once more, and her three friends took leave together. Rey stood sulking at the table by herself. She really should go. Finn was right—she shouldn’t be out here like this. It was going well.

Right?

Right?!

Rey sighed, getting up.

“Hey,” she called to the waitress. “Can you bring dessert over?”

The waitress nodded, and Rey kept watching Ben and Connix. Every time Ben smiled, her heart did a leap. It was like it was stuck in a coordinated video game fight—every time he smiled, it was like her muscles had to leap somewhere.

But Rose was out of her mind. Rey wasn’t jealous. This wasn’t jealousy.

She observed the minimum details, keeping her eye on the table. Maybe they weren’t having so much fun. Maybe it was forced laughter. Maybe Ben was smiling so much and he was begging for Rey to get him out of there, and Connix was an alien from outer space who came all the way here to experiment on him.

When dessert arrived, she practically jumped at the opportunity. “Thanks so much. I think I’ve just spotted a friend.”

The waitress raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Rey took her dessert plate, and before she could really think about it, she got up and walked over to the table where the couple was sitting.

“Oh my god, Connix!” Rey said, stopping right at them. “I thought I’d seen a familiar face. Oh, and Ben too.”

Connix opened up a smile, her earrings dangling when she moved her head. “Hey, Rey. Long time no see.”

“Fancy meeting you here!” Rey said excitedly, opening up her biggest smile until her cheeks hurt.

“What are you doing?” Ben demanded.

“Ben, don’t be rude,” Connix said, gesturing to a chair. “Join us, Rey. Please.”

Rey couldn’t say no. She sat down, maybe a little too pleased with herself, while Ben gave her a look from the corner of his eyes. _What?_ , she mouthed to him, but he just shook his head.

She adjusted her little dessert plate on the table.

“So what are you guys doing here?” Rey asked, feigning curiosity.

“Ben called me to catch up,” Connix said, gesturing to Ben. “It’s been a while. We only worked together in Organa for a year, but it was good.”

Ben nodded, in silence.

“So is this like a date?” Rey said, looking between them. “Please don’t tell me I’ve interrupted something.”

“Not at all,” Ben said, his tone quiet. “Connix was actually just leaving.”

“Yes, I really have to go,” Connix said. “Ben was just telling me about you guys working together.”

“Yeah,” Rey nodded enthusiastically, gobbling up a spoon of her mango ice cream. “It’s really been a wonderful experience.”

Connix raised an eyebrow. “I’m so happy you seem to have gotten over all those childhood enemies kind of thing. Though I admit, it was fun.”

Rey shrugged and then smiled. Her muscles were starting to ache from smiling so much.

“Yes,” Rey said. “Totally. I’m just invested in friendship now. Like getting Ben to go out, maybe declare himself to the girl he likes.”

She elbowed him under the table and Ben grunted in surprise.

Connix raised an eyebrow.

“Really?” She asked, dragging out the word. “A girl?”

“Yes,” Rey said, putting her hand on her chin. “Wouldn’t you know? He needs a little push.”

Ben kicked her under the table. Rey pretended not to notice.

“Oh,” Connix said, eyeing the two of them. “That sounds tough, buddy. Hope you figure out.”

“Oh, he will,” Rey said menacingly, gesturing to Connix with her head.

Ben said nothing.

“I really gotta go,” Connix said.

Rey kicked Ben so hard on his ankle that his chair almost fell over.

“Don’t,” Rey said. “Oh, I’m so sorry, this was a disaster. You know, it was supposed to be a date, after all.”

Connix only looked confused, her eyes narrowing each time Rey spoke.

“I’m sorry?” Connix asked.

“Tell her,” Rey said.

“What?” Connix asked.

Ben said nothing.

Rey was going to murder him.

“This,” Rey said, gesturing to the two of them. As a couple. God. Her fingers almost refused to move. “You two. He asked you on a date, right?”

There was sudden silence on the table.

Suddenly, Connix burst out laughing.

“Oh my god,” she said, clutching her belly. “Ben, that’s a cruel prank. You told Rey this was a date? Come on.”

Ben only gave Connix a shadow of a smile. Rey looked between the two of them. This time, she was the one confused.

“You two never change,” she said, picking up her purse.

“So this wasn’t…” Rey started.

Connix stopped laughing so she could answer.

“I’m into girls. I’m a lesbian,” Connix said, voicing the words explicitly, each syllable almost its own word. “I thought you knew.”

“I know,” Ben said. He smiled.

“You knew?!” Rey exclaimed in disbelief, turning to Ben. Ben didn’t say anything.

Connix laughed, opening up a smile, her warm brown eyes soft.

“It was nice seeing you two,” she said, getting up finally from the table. “Great catching up and all. I’ll see you around.”

She waved goodbye, and left them both hanging there. Ben left the cash to pay for their meal on the table, not even looking at Rey.

Ben got up, still in silence, and Rey followed him to the door.

“You knew and you didn’t tell me anything?” Rey finally asked. “Why?”

“I didn’t ask you to set up this date, Rey,” Ben said. “I didn’t ask you to do anything at all. I told you something I shouldn’t have.”

“Well, but you trusted me.”

“Maybe I was wrong.”

Rey opened her mouth to respond, but then realized that Ben was serious. He was completely serious about not trusting her with this information.

The worst part is that he wasn’t wrong. She’d badgered him to get a name, then set him up on this weird date with a girl who definitely wasn’t into him—Rey didn’t let herself feel relief, it was too selfish—and she’d basically repaid his trust with… well, with betrayal.

The feeling didn’t sink well.

“Look, it was just a date,” she said, trying to play it off, her pride hurt. Rey wanted him to trust her. “It wasn’t terrible.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Ben conceded. “But I don’t want you doing this again. I told you something because I trusted you, and then you wouldn’t shut up about it. I hope you’re happy.”

“I’m not,” Rey said, not being able to help the childish part of her from entering this fight. Why was he so stubborn? She was trying to _help_ him. “If you’d told me why, I wouldn’t have called her here. I wouldn’t have called her at all.”

“I’m not going to discuss this with you,” he said exasperatedly, his face going a little red. She could see the tension still in his shoulders, the way he was trying to contain himself. “Just forget this ever happened.”

“I was trying to help you.”

“You didn’t, okay?” Ben said. “I don’t need your help, Rey. I said this before. And if I wanted your help, I would have asked for it.”

“Probably not, because you’re so proud, you couldn’t even ask your friends to go to your mom’s dinner party with you.”

Rey knew that was low. She was feeling petty, and angry that he hadn’t told her about Connix, about the way he felt about some other mysterious girl. He was definitely lying about liking Connix. He just said her name so Rey would get off his back.

Then what use was it anyway? If he didn’t tell her, maybe he just didn’t like her enough.

Or worse.

He didn’t trust her with it.

She’d lost his trust in one single night.

“That’s not what I meant,” she amended quickly. “Let me make it up to you.”

“I don’t want you making up to me,” Ben said. He ran his fingers through his hair, anger contained in every gesture. “That’s not what I’m angry about.”

“Then tell me what is,” Rey said. “I don’t get it. Why is it so wrong?”

“I just don’t want to talk about this,” Ben said. “You set me up without telling me.”

“Oh, as if that’s son wrong. I was trying to help you. Why are you so thick-headed?” Rey demanded. She didn’t care about the fuss she was making in the restaurant, or if maybe they were going to kick her out. She was tired and wanting to go home, and she’d embarrassed herself enough by now. She just wanted to understand. “If this is not what you’re angry about, then what is it?”

“Because I don’t want you messing with my life!” He exclaimed, so loudly,that Rey only shrunk back.

Rey stared at him in stunned silence. She’d never heard Ben raising his voice, not even with his father. It just wasn’t him.

She was messing up his whole life.

Ben turned around.

“Where are you going?” Rey asked, unable to stop herself, her feelings still squashed inside her, desperation humming inside her lungs.

“I’m going home,” he said. “Don’t follow me.”

He went out the restaurant and Rey only watched, her frustration still inside her, the feelings she couldn’t really face pressed into her chest.

She didn’t follow him.


	34. Chapter 34

Rey tossed and turned all night after the fight.

If she could call it a fight. Did it categorize as a fight? She actually hadn’t fought that many times with people—not with them walking out on her, anyway. Rey was categorical about wanting the last word, so she’d never really let people walk away.

Except she didn’t stop Ben.

And worse, maybe he had a point.

Ugh. She hated admitting it, even if she didn’t say it out loud. It was still that prickling sensation on the back of her head. She hated being wrong, and this time, she definitely was. She shouldn’t have messed with his love life, even if for proving a point.

A point she wasn’t entirely she proved at all.

When the alarm rang on Wednesday morning, Rey was resigned completely to having an awful day and having to face Ben at his desk sulking. She could live with it. Maybe he would pretend last night hadn’t happened. God knew they were both getting good at that.

She dressed quickly and went out the door, taking the subway. The way to work was almost mechanical, and she wondered if next week she was going to be doing the same thing—or if she was going job hunting sooner than she thought.

No.

She wasn’t about to lose this job. Not in the last week.

Rey crossed the hall when she got to the building, waving a hello to the busy doorman. She was maybe five minutes late, because the hall was already starting to empty. She pressed the button to the elevator, and it got there in a few seconds. She went inside, busy thinking about her apology—did she have to apologize?—when someone else came through the door last minute.

Ben looked over at her.

“Oh,” he said by way of greeting. “You’re late.”

Rey took off her ear buds. “So are you.”

He had no way of replying. The elevator started climbing up. There were over thirty floors in the building, and they worked in the last one. The ride seemed to last forever, both of them in silence staring at the door.

Rey was going to have to say something.

“We should talk,” she said, turning to him.

Ben grunted in response, a sound that was between a snort and a groan.

“I mean it,” Rey continued, pretending she hadn’t heard him. “You walked away.”

“Rey, we’ve talked about this,” he replied. “I told you explicitly why you shouldn’t have done it, and after all I told you—”

“After all you told me? Oh, come on. You’ve told me nothing—”

“I’ve been more open with you than I’ve ever been with anyone else.”

The words stunned her into silence. She looked over at the elevator that still kept climbing, but it looked like it was slowing down. She pushed the button again in anger, as if it was going to help it move faster.

“I was not messing with your life,” Rey said. “I was trying to help you.”

“Some help,” Ben muttered. “As I’ve said, if I needed your help, I was going to ask you for it.”

“Do you even know how to ask people for help?” Rey demanded. “It’s like you’re living your whole life in this closed off space, without letting your friends in. Do your friends even know your dad was in town?”

Ben didn’t answer, and she knew she’d hit the right motive.

“Have you been telling your therapist this?”

Ben cut her a glare. “Very funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny,” Rey said. “I’m again, trying to help you.”

“Your help has been noted.”

It was time for Rey to glare at him.

“God, I’m so done with you. I don’t want to talk either,” she muttered. “Why won’t this elevator arrive?”

Just as she pressed the button again, the elevator whirred down. The ground trembled beneath her feet, and she tried to hold on to the bar next to the mirror. Instead, the elevator fluttered, went up and went down, and she was thrown against Ben to the floor.

She landed right on his chest.

Oops.

“Ugh, sorry,” she said, but Ben didn’t look too bothered. “Can we—?”

She got up quickly, her cheeks burning, and pressed the button to open the doors.

Nothing happened.

She pressed the button again.

Ben got up behind her, and Rey kept pressing the button. She wanted to open the door. Just open the door. Please, open the door. Open. The. Door.

“Rey,” Ben said, putting his hand over her arm, stopping her from pressing the button repeatedly. “It’s not gonna work. Let’s call somebody.”

He picked up his phone. From here, Rey could see there was no signal. She took her own out of her pocket.

“Nope,” she said. “Nothing at all.”

She waved at the camera.

“How long do you think we’re going to stay here?” Ben asked.

“Ughhhhhhhhh,” Rey groaned out loud, pressing the button again. No such luck. Of course she wouldn’t have any luck.

She was stuck in an elevator.

With freaking Ben Solo.

She glared at him.

“Don’t do that,” he said. “It’s not my fault that the elevator is broken.”

“Isn’t it though?”

“Yes, blame it all on me,” he said.

“Ooooh, okay then,” Rey said mockingly, turning. God, she was starting to sweat. It was too hot inside the elevator, the space shrunk down between just the two of them. She faced him. Why was he so tall? She had to look up just to look into his eyes. “Do you need me to spell it out for you? I. Was. Trying. To. Help.”

“But you didn’t,” he reminded her.

Sweat dribbled from her back. She was not going to think of this enclosed space or how much effort it was taking her to breathe.

“What do you want me to say?”

“Maybe an apology?” He suggested.

He started taking off his blazer.

Wait, what?

“Why are you taking that off?” Rey demanded.

“It’s hot,” Ben said, slowly, drawing out the words. “And we’re stuck with no ventilation.”

“No ventilation?” Rey said, her voice an octave higher than usual. “That can’t be.”

“Rey, you’re sweating inside that coat. Take it off.”

“I’m not taking anything off,” she said, leaning against the opposite side of the elevator. This was the worst form of nightmare she could think of. “I’m fine.”

Sweat dribbled in her neck, down her back.

Shit.

“I’m fine,” she repeated. “And I’m not apologizing. I didn’t even do anything.”

“You tried managing my life like I’m some kind of Lifetime show,” Ben reminded her. “If I needed to do anything about it, I’d do it myself.”

“You can’t even get a date to a stupid wedding,” she snapped.

“And you can’t stop trying to manage me so you don’t have to manage your own life,” he said, facing her.

Rey didn’t say anything. She was starting to see dots all over her eyes. She blinked.

“Rey?” Ben asked, suddenly worried. “Rey, you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, her legs wobbly, sliding down to the floor.

“Hey, come on,” he said, approaching her.

“No!” She exclaimed loudly. “Don’t get close!”

“What?”

“Just—”

She slid down to the floor, and Ben caught her.

Of course he would catch her.

He sat down in the floor with her, and held her in his arms. Part of her brain was protesting, but she felt the rest of her body Relax under Ben’s hand. He laid her down carefully, like she was something fragile, and although she felt like she should definitely argue against this, she just closed her eyes and let his hands, almost as big as her face, hold her close.

“Rey?” Ben asked.

“Yeah?”

He dropped her immediately and she landed with her head on the floor.

“Ouch!” She complained. “I’m dying here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

She opened her eyes and his face was above hers.

“I’ll be whatever I please,” she said.

“Then take your cloak off.”

“Take it off yourself.”

Ben blushed. Rey laughed it off, even though she was sure her blood pressure was low and she might pass out.

She finally gave in and took off her cloak. Ben was sweating too. Maybe he was as nervous as she was, but was better at hiding it. It was just like him. He was always in control, and she definitely envied that he was better at hiding his emotions. Maybe that’s why she was so surprised about his reaction at the restaurant last night.

She sat down, her back erect, and crossed her legs. Ben crossed his legs too, and they sat down facing each other. Their knees were touching.

Rey sighed.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I just… I wanted to make something good for you. I thought it’d be a nice surprise.”

“Surprises are overrated,” he said. “Besides, that’s not what I wanted.”

“The whole thing with your dad was pretty shitty,” Rey confessed. “And you’re a bad drunk. I felt terrible for you.”

That got a smile out of him. Rey’s heart leapt in her chest.

He looked at her, and they stood in silence for what felt like an eternity. Not an eternity that felt like she was stuck in that moment—but a good kind of eternity, where she was drinking every second, while she was there and it was her own choice. She examined his face, his scar, the way the bead of sweat was dripping down his neck and going inside his shirt, every single mole in his face that she wanted to trace again like they were a path that she’d have to take home.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Really.”

“Thanks,” Ben replied with another smile.

Rey closed her eyes a second.

When she opened them again, he was still looking.

Maybe she ought to say something.

Maybe it would just ruin the moment.

“Hey, are you guys okay?” someone else shouted.

Above them, the window panel slid open.

The moment was gone in a second. Ben got up, and helped her up.

“Yeah,” Ben said. “We’re okay.”

He looked at her. She only nodded, quiet, and wishing that maybe she could buy a couple of more sincere moments that didn’t need any words.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole chapter is an acid trip but i did promise you all the clichés so there HAS to be a dream chapter

Rey fidgeted with the bouquet of flowers on the car. Finn sat opposite her, wearing a tux, his face somber.

“Nervous?” He asked her.

She could smack him. She contained herself as not to move the white dress or tear it. It already had been an accomplishment putting it on without any major disaster happening. Up until the moment she wore it, she thought something would happen. The seam would rip apart at the bodice. Someone would stain it with wine. It was like she was on edge, waiting for a sign that something would go wrong—or waiting for a sign of the universe that maybe she shouldn’t be there.

Instead, the car still made its way to the church, and Rey sat in the back of it, with her best friend by her side.

“It’s going to be fine,” Finn reassured her. “I almost threw up when I married Poe.”

“I know, I was there,” Rey answered. She appreciated his effort to calm her, though it wasn’t very efficient.

When the car came to a stop, Rey felt like her heart was going to lurch forward and she was throwing everything she’d eaten the previous three days in the nearest bin.

Finn got out first, and opened the car door for her. There weren’t a lot of people outside—just the guests who were waiting for her arrival. They opened up a smile when they saw her, all dressed in white, her brown hair combed back into her head, the trail of the veil to her feet. Rose came rushing out of the church, ready to adjust the veil so she could step inside.

Rose smiled at her, and Rey found the strength to smile back.

Her knees wobbled as she walked forward, but Finn was there by her side to stabilize her.

“There’s still time to run,” he reminded her.

“Oh, don’t be an idiot.”

Finn spread his easy smile, and together, they walked arm in arm to the aisle.

The crowd was big for a wedding. She recognized familiar faces from the crowd, people she worked with, friends from college, friends from school. Everyone saw her in the dress and smiled, and when Rey looked down, she could see the reflection of what they were seeing—that happiness that was associated with brides almost automatically, that ecstasy that felt like her muscles were about to give in and melt.

She didn’t dare look up.

The music started, and then she couldn’t stop herself any longer. Finn nudged her slightly, indicating that she should move, and instead, her feet were frozen to the ground. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t look up.

Rey couldn’t do this.

But then, as if she wasn’t in control of her body anymore, just a spectator to what was unfolding in her life, her feet moved and she started gliding across the aisle. The faces of guests mingled in the crowd with her, smashing into one, and the only thing she could hear was the beating of her own heart, loud like drums as it thumped against her ribcage. Her throat was dry, and she was thankful she didn’t need to speak right then, because she thought she would never be able to say anything at all.

She watched the crowd instead, trying to focus her eyes on someone. Someone that was supposed to be here, but in this state, she just couldn’t remember who it was.

When she got to the altar, she had to look up.

Jack faced her in a light gray suit. She frowned.

The scenery changed.

Instead of the church, the aisle was now in the office. Ms Kanata’s office, and every single one of her work colleagues were now in suits, and the carpet in front of her was made of contracts.

Jack smiled at Finn, and Finn handed over her hand. Rey’s hand felt like a gelatinous bulb, a shapeless and strange thing that wasn’t part of her body. As Jack took it, she felt him squeeze her arm, and a scream died at her throat. When she managed to cram her neck and look back at the office, every guest was smiling.

“What’s happening?” Rey asked.

“We’re getting married,” Jack said, as if it was the most natural thing in the entire world.

Rey started sweating, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t speak. She was stuck in a dream where she was voiceless.

The preacher, now suddenly transformed into Ms Kanata kept drowsing on with her sermon, and Rey was pretty sure the words had nothing to do with marriage, and more with the cinematic universe of the Transformers movies. Ms Kanata compared it to great classics like Fast and Furious and the Rocky Balboa franchise, and Rey blinked twice. This was too mad.

She couldn’t really heart it. The words entered through her ears and had no effect, and she couldn’t say anything.

“And now,” Ms Kanata finally said, and Rey could hear it like a clear bell, “If any of you know cause or just impediment why these persons should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Rey turned around just as someone else walked into the office.

“I do,” the deep voice said.

Rey finally could move. She turned her whole body, her hand slipping from Jack’s grasp, and he opened his mouth but he couldn’t speak. Or he did speak, and Rey simply didn’t hear him, because she only had eyes for the one person that had just walked inside.

He stopped in the middle of the room, and all of a sudden, it was like the whole wedding had vanished. The crowd, the spectators, everything else. There was only him in the room, and Rey drank every detail of him—his dark suit, the way his hair fell soft on his shoulders, and the fact that he was looking at her, and only her.

Ben offered his hand.

She was frozen for a second, not knowing what to do. Suddenly, the room around her changed, and it wasn’t a church, and it was just the rooftop where she’d stayed with him, the buildings blinking in the distance. She was still in her wedding dress, but surprising, had one of his jackets over her shoulders.

“Rey,” he said. “Come on.”

He was still holding out his hand.

“I’m not going with you,” she said numbly. “I’m supposed to get married.”

“That dress doesn’t look good on you,” he said. “You know what looks better? If you’re not wearing it.”

Rey opened her mouth and shrieked, noticing that her dress was gone. She pulled Ben’s coat closer.

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Ben said. “I just offered for you to come with me.”

“I’m supposed to get married,” Rey huffed. “Get me back to the church. Now.”

“As you wish.”

Rey blinked, and there they were again. This time, in a church. With her wearing another white dress, and Ben wearing a tux, smiling by her side.

“Enough!” Rey exclaimed loudly.

“Rey,” Ben said, his deep voice calling her back, grounding her in the dream. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Rey looked at him with widened eyes.

Ms Kanata reappeared. “You may kiss the bride,” she said.

Ben leaned in to kiss her, and Rey let all feeling go. His lips were warm on hers, just like she remembered. They were luscious, full against hers, and when his tongue slipped inside her mouth, Rey gasped.

Rey woke up just as the kiss was deepening. She looked at the watch. Almost time for her to get up and go to work.

This was Thursday. Only two more days.

Two more days to get through. Wednesday had been fine after the elevator accident, and they’d just been normal with each other. She shouldn’t be dreaming about Ben. About kissing him.

Dreaming about making out with people was one thing. Dreaming about marrying was something else entirely.

God, she was losing her mind.

Only two more days.

That was all.

 


	36. Chapter 36

Rey didn’t tell anyone about the dream, but she kept coming back to it during the day. She’d spent all week without being able to concentrate on any of the contracts she was supposed to finish, as if time kept slipping away from her with all her worries. To be truthful, she had been so concentrated on proving to herself that she didn’t like Ben or to just fix her life in that aspect that she hadn’t been paying attention to the contracts that had been piling up on her table and she could never get to their ending.

That sounded a nice way to die. Buried by a pile of contracts she hadn’t been able to check.

At least, things with Ben had seemed to settle down. After the elevator accident, they were both okay with each other—they’d talked like old colleagues, and Rey’s stomach had only fluttered twice when he got close. She’d tried murdering the butterflies during lunch by eating some ungodly sweetened ice cream with green apple, but it didn’t seem to work entirely.

She just put off thinking about all of this. As long as she didn’t think about it, she’d never have to figure out what she was feeling.

It just couldn’t go wrong.

Until she got the e-mail in her inbox and groaned.

“A group dynamic?!” Rey exclaimed loudly. “Are you serious?”

Ben looked up from his computer. He was so quiet, she’d sometimes forgot he was there. Unlike Rey who was always loudly talking to herself.

“Apparently,” Ben replied. “It looks mandatory.”

Rey got up from her desk. “This is ridiculous. Like, next week, one of us might not even be here.”

The air around the room got heavier when they mentioned the forbidden subject. Ben picked up his stuff as they both went together downstairs, where everyone was already gathered in the room. Rey hung with Ben at the back, not wanting to volunteer herself to step forward. Ben didn’t look too keen on the whole exercise either.

“How long do you think this will take?” Rey asked. “Maybe I could break your arm and then both of us would go home.”

“Funny, Knight.”

“Just a suggestion.”

There was a coach at the front of the crowd, and people were buddying up. Rey didn’t step forward to exchange partners, so she ended up stuck with Ben, of course.

“The first exercise we’re going to do,” the coach started, “is all about trust. We’re going to start spinning your partner around.”

Ben and Rey exchanged a look that meant they would rather get struck by lightening than do the whole exercise. People started doing the exercise, and Rey just wished she could leave.

The coach caught up to them. She looked like she was having none of it. Her curls were combed short near her scalp, all dyed light purple, her clothes somber but impressive.

“Why aren’t you doing the exercise?” She demanded. “This is meant for everyone. It can be good to understand what your partner needs.”

Rey looked at Ben and signaled the universal I-need-to-get-out-of-here. He snorted.

“Come on, both of you,” the coach snapped. “Try it.”

Neither of them moved.

“You first,” the coach snapped at Rey. “Come on. Just let it go. Just drop—and trust that he will catch you.”

Rey didn’t exactly trust him, but she didn’t see like she had a choice. With the coach directing them, Rey turned her back to Ben. At first, she didn’t know what to do with her feet. The sensation that she was falling back was strange, but then suddenly hands caught her, and she felt Ben lift her up. She turned back to him with a small smile, and then with the coach’s approval, she fell down again, and Ben caught her.

Three times, he caught her.

They exchanged places.

“You know, it’s not as terrible as it sounds,” Rey admitted.

“Are you sure you can do this?” Ben asked.

“Solo, please. I can lift 200lbs. You’re not that impressive.”

He cocked an eyebrow, but still turned around and let him go. For a moment, Rey wondered if she’d be able to catch him, but a second, and she had him.

He lifted himself once again, and nodded to her.

“This is enough, right?” He asked. “I don’t have time for this.”

“No one has time for any of this,” Rey muttered.

The coach moved away from them, leaving them to the exercise. Her hawk eyes started watching other groups. Maybe this was an opportunity. Rey started tiptoeing back.

“What are you doing?”

“Finding an escape route,” Rey muttered.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

“Try to stop me,” she said back, and found herself grinning at him.

“Rey.”

Rey was almost to the door when she stopped. She looked for the coach, checking out to see if the coast was clear.

“Come on,” she said. “We don’t have time for this.”

For a moment, she thought he wasn’t going to follow her. Or he’d just rattle her out on the coach, which was definitely something Ben Solo would do. She’d not forgotten how many times she’d been caught by teachers because he’d told on her that she was sneaking out of classes or organizing pranks. Ben looked around one last time before slipping through the door with her.

“We can’t go back to the office,” he said.

“I know,” Rey replied. “Let me think a second.”

“You and your plans.”

“You can file them on your list of complaints,” Rey said. “I’m sure you keep a spreadsheet around with all of those.”

Ben glared at her.

“You do?” Rey laughed. “You’re a predictable nerd.”

“The list of grievances you have caused me is not exactly short.”

Rey laughed, but put a hand to cover her mouth. They couldn’t talk too loudly or they’d get dragged back inside, and since it was one of the last days here, she just couldn’t get a notice now on bad behavior. She’d managed to keep a spotless record so far, and they were almost to the end. Almost making it to the finish line.

She couldn’t forget.

She spotted the office Ms Kanata used, all empty now that most of the employees were out doing trust falls with each other.

“I dreamed about you last night,” Rey said.

Ben stopped short. “What?”

“Oh, nothing like that,” she amended quickly, though her cheeks were burning. It was easier to excuse if it was some kind of sex dream. She wished it was the case. “I was getting married at the office. Ms Kanata was doing the ceremony.”

Ben paused. “Who were you getting married to?”

“A dinosaur,” Rey lied with ease. “I’m not kidding. It was using a veil and everything.”

That got a smile out of him, one of those secret smiles he only gave when he thought nobody was looking. She hated that she enjoyed it with such force.

“You know, the usual,” she kept on saying. “Do you think you’ll miss this place?”

Ben looked around Ms Kanata’s office. Rey picked up one of the letter openers. It was pretty sharp, and she moved it from hand to hand.

“You’re acting like you’re not the one staying,” Ben said.

“I don’t know.” She went quiet. “What if I’m not?”

“You’re giving up now?”

“I’m not giving up. I’m just… being sincere. I might not be the one to stay.”

“And what then?”

She shrugged. “Then I’ll have to find something else.”

Ben looked between her and the letter opener she was still flickering in her hand. It was easy to distract herself. She didn’t want to consider the possibility before—she refused to consider it in the past few weeks. It had always been like a guillotine looming over her head, waiting to fall and end them.

This is what these last days felt like. Like something was coming to an end.

“Do you regret it?” Ben asked.

“Regret what?”

“Agreeing to this. To do this job for a month.”

Rey considered this for a moment. She never even thought about saying no, and about not taking it. It hadn’t crossed her mind before. That maybe she wouldn’t get this opportunity and do something else. Not that she wasn’t happy with the job. She was. But things were different now—she’d learned a lot, but she also had left things behind. Talking that day on the rooftop with Ben made her realize that maybe there were other things she ought to be doing. Things she’d forgotten about.

“It never crossed my mind,” she confessed. “You?”

He looked at her for a long time. “It didn’t cross my mind either.”

Rey fidgeted more with the letter opener, changing it from hand to hand.

“What happens on Monday, Ben?” She asked.

He looked into her eyes, but neither of them spoke for a moment. They knew what was going to happen.

Ben stepped closer to her, and Rey half panicked, letting the letter opener go. Instead of dropping it on the table, she ended up doing a strange curve to her arm, and slashing Ben’s shirt.

“Oh shit!” She exclaimed. “I’m so sorry.”

“So you are trying to kill me before Monday comes,” Ben said, frowning at his slashed shirt.

Rey burned in shame. “Of course not. Besides, if I was killing you, I’d be much more discreet.”

That made Ben laugh.

“Let’s go to the infirmary,” she said in a rushed tone. “You’re bleeding.”

Ben looked down at his shoulder, and saw the red stains that were on his shirt. In silence, they both went to the infirmary. There wasn’t an assigned nurse—just a small room with a table for the person to sit, and a small medicine cabinet for emergencies.

Ben got up on the table, and started unbuttoning his shirt. Rey pretended she wasn’t watching it, but her eyes kept getting drawn back to his muscles—to his muscular chest, to the defined lines of his abdomen, and the thin line of dark hair that dipped from his belly button to under his pants. She concentrated on getting the medicine cabinet in front of her, picking up the gauze and oxygen water.

Ben extended a hand to get it.

“No, that’s okay,” Rey found herself saying. With her hands only trembling a little, she picked up the cotton and touched his arm.

Ben shivered.

“Sorry,” Rey muttered. “It might hurt.”

“I’m fine,” Ben replied. Their voices were only slightly above a whisper, as if both were afraid to speak. With everyone out in the group dynamic, it was like having the world to themselves. And with the world shrunk down, nothing else seemed real. “It’s fine.”

Rey picked up the cotton again, and touched his skin again. His body was warm beneath her fingers, and she concentrated only on the blood that was coming out of his wound until it was dry. She took it with utmost care, focusing only on this task. She didn’t dare to look up, though she knew Ben was watching as she worked.

She cleaned it up until the blood stopped coming out, and then picked up the medicine. Ben didn’t mutter a word when she spread it over the wound, but he bit his lip, and then she wrapped it with gauze.

Rey looked up to him.

She hadn’t realized they were this close.

The last time they were this close… Rey had kissed him. She kissed him because she was irritated, because she was angry, because she didn’t know how to deal with her feelings. Maybe Rose had been right all the time, and that she was just hiding it—she wasn’t too good at it. And even when she tried to deny it, after that night of the rooftop, she was just postponing what she knew, trying to deny her own feelings.

That she was definitely, irrevocably, ridiculously in love with Ben Solo.

When Rey looked up, their eyes met, and she kept staring at him. The scar on his face, his eyebrows uncombed, his lashes long and shadowing his dark brown eyes. They weren’t black in the light. She could see dozens of tones of brown, all brilliant and different, and then she couldn’t stop looking.

She couldn’t stop herself from being drawn into them.

Ben let out a breath, and she breathed it in, the taste of his peppermint toothpaste. She wanted to hold back.

“Thank you,” he finally said, and neither of them moved.

Neither of them dared.

Rey wondered what it would be like to reach out. To just let herself go for one second, to forget what was at stake. Maybe tell him about the dream she had last night, that even when everything was confusing, when he was there, things turned out just fine.

Except this was not a dream. It wouldn’t work like the dream.

Maybe they would kiss, and maybe she was in love with him and maybe he was in love with someone else, and maybe there was a chance that he would eventually change his mind. Maybe there was that sliver of hope she tried holding on, but at the same time, she couldn’t feed on it.

Tomorrow was their last day at the job. The job she’d worked for her whole life—and it hadn’t been quite like she’d imagined it, it had way too many contracts and she was frequently chained to the desk, but there were some sacrifices that had to be made to get where she wanted to go, right? Those things counted. She had to work through all of them first.

She had to.

With that in mind, she stepped away from Ben.

Ben didn’t say anything, the hypnotic moment between them broken. The world slowly seeped back into place, and Rey was aware of her surroundings once more, aware of everything else around her, and what was at stake.

What she couldn’t lose.

Ben. The job.

She just couldn’t tell which was which yet.

“I gotta go,” Rey said, shaking her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It took a long time for him to answer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rey walked out the door before she changed her mind.


	37. Chapter 37

Friday passed in a strange daze.

Rey barely felt it, but she knew there was a weight in the air when she walked inside the office and she exchanged one single look with Ben. She didn’t talk. Neither of them talked. She knew she was only looking for excuses, as if her heart wanted to betray herself so badly that she constantly thought of things he would enjoy, or just wanted to find a reason to talk to him, no matter how stupid it was.

Except Rey knew that whatever it was between them, it was never going to work.

They would know. On Monday, they’d have the answers.

She tried to read her contracts, but her brain took twice as long to understand them, as if it was defying her will into making the last day of work before she knew the results to be as excruciating as possible.

She worked in silence, but kept getting distracted. Could she forgive him, if he got the job instead of her?

The problem is, she didn’t think she could.

Even if she was falling for him, and desperately trying to stop herself, she wouldn’t be able to forgive him if he got the job she wanted. The job she was working for her entire life.

Worse, the job she knew he would also honor. He wouldn’t just do the job—he’d do everything to deserve it.

As if he guessed it too, Ben didn’t talk to Rey either. Both of them sensed that today was not a day for jokes.

Before their work hour was over, Ms Kanata had called both Rey and Ben to her office, and made them sit down.

“So your trial period is over,” Ms Kanata said with a smile “Congratulations to you both for working so hard. There was a lot of progress in the department, and I could see both of you working hard for this position.”

Ben nodded his head while Rey said a small ‘thank you’. They had not looked at each other ever since walking inside. Rey could barely remember the last time Ben had talked to her if not to ask something about work.

“We should have the results on Monday morning,” she said. “I’m going to ask you both to come in, so we can finally settle this. I’m taking it to the board this weekend, and it’ll all be solved by then. I have to thank you both for being such committed hard-workers and even accepting a trial like this.”

“Of course,” Ben said smoothly.

“And that’s it,” Ms Kanata said. “I’m excited to finally find out who’s going to be working with us.”

Rey smiled, and then she remembered she needed to know something else, too. About the number of contracts and the stupid bet she’d made when Ben was sick, almost three weeks ago.

“Ms Kanata, can I ask a question?” Rey spoke up, before she lost the last of her nerve. “Just out of curiosity, how many contracts each of us reviewed?”

Ben paled by her side, as if he’d just remembered that too.

“Oh, odd question,” Ms Kanata said. “Wait a second, I have the numbers.” There was a second of suspension in the room, where neither Ben nor Rey dared to move a muscle. “Wow, both of you are actually very close. You were beating him by almost ten contracts the last week, Rey, but Ben finally caught up and got two more than you.”

Rey’s heart skipped a beat.

“Thanks,” she said.

“No problem,” Ms Kanata replied, rearranging her papers. “I’ll see you both on Monday.”

They both left the office at the same time. Rey put her hands in the pockets of her hands, staring at Ben. She licked her lips, still unsure of how this was going to go.

“Guess I’m your date to the wedding.”

Ben took a second to answer.

“You don’t have to go,” Ben said. “Look, I was sick when we made this bet. I barely remember agreeing to this.”

“It was a bet, and I lost,” Rey replied. “I promised you. I’m going.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not a sore loser, Solo,” she said. “I am going, no matter what you say. And you still haven’t gotten a date, so this is the perfect opportunity.”

Ben passed his fingers through his hair, and Rey could tell he was annoyed. He was still standing too close to her, and she wondered if they were going to fight again, or if it was just going to be an awkward situation.

It didn’t make a difference. Rey already made it awkward by falling for him, and she was sure he didn’t like her back the same way.

At least, she didn’t want to hope.

She didn’t dare say anything at all.

There was a long silence between them, and Rey chewed on the inside of her cheek. There was still that rough sentiment with her, where she was still trying not to think about him in a romantic way, or block any and all feelings at all. She just needed to focus on these things, and not let herself get carried away.

She’d spent her whole life hating Ben Solo. She wasn’t going to lose that sentiment in just one week.

“Just…” Rey told him, though she didn’t know what to say. She’d come close yesterday to confessing, to saying something, but she couldn’t let it go now.

She had to understand her feelings first.

“Just ignore what I said,” Rey told him. “I know the answer is coming on Monday. I don’t want to be a sore loser.”

“It’s not about losing, it’s about—”

“The job, I know.” She looked up at him. “And that was unfair. I let the competition get to my head. I don’t think we need to be enemies for the rest of our lives just because one of us doesn’t get the job.”

Ben stood quiet, and Rey wished he would say something. She observed him, but even then, she couldn’t figure out what he was thinking.

“How about this,” she said. “No matter the the results on Monday, we don’t stop being friends.”

“Friends?” Ben repeated.

“Yeah,” Rey smiled. And she meant it. “Friends.”

She offered her hand. Ben blinked, and then he took it.

Their hands touching sent goosebumps to her skin, her stomach dropping, because for one second, all she wanted to do was pull him in and kiss him again, as if it was going to wipe out all her mistakes, as if she could go back and tell him that maybe that night on the hotel hadn’t been just an error along the way.

Instead, Rey let go of it quickly.

“All right,” Ben said. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay,” Rey said, going through the door, ready to pack. In case she needed to go home. Maybe this was the last time she was ever seeing this office while she was still working. She looked around one last time.

Rey picked up her bag, shut down her computer. She turned to Ben. “You coming?”

Ben sat down at his computer.

“Yeah,” he said. “I just have to do something first.”


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all are ready for some bittersweet chapters from now on

Rey shoved things in her bag, and even got another dress she’d bought on impulse last week. Good thing she did, because otherwise she might not have anything to wear to the wedding. She stopped when she found the red dress Ben had given to her in the closet—and then decided to shove it in the bag too.

“You don’t have to go,” Rose said from the door, watching as Rey did her packing with so much raw energy that she was afraid she might break something. “You could just make up an excuse.”

“Then I’d be a sore loser,” Rey pointed out.

“Rey, you don’t even want to go,” Rose said. “Do you?”

Rey didn’t answer. She didn’t know the truth. In a way, she wanted to go—to be with Ben a little more, to stretch that weekend till Monday, because by Monday, they’d have their answers and go in separate ways. And after what she had said earlier that week, she knew she was just daydreaming.

God, she hated being this confused. She didn’t know what to feel, and that was making her go all over the place. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair.

“You’re going to break a zipper,” Poe told her as he walked inside the room and plopped himself down on the chair in the corner, removing some of her usual dirty clothes. “Why are you taking your bags like you’re going to a war?”

“Because it is war,” Rey answered. “I lost the bet, and now I’m going.”

“It’s a wedding. You’re supposed to get drunk and have fun,” Poe told her. “Potentially have sex you’re going to regret in the morning.”

Rose and Rey sighed collectively. At that moment, Finn walked inside. He watched Rey finish closing her bag, but there was still that strange ache in her chest, something she couldn’t deal with and that was leaving her in a rotten mood. She’d have to go to the wedding and smile at everyone, and just happily pretend to be Ben’s friend.

She could do that, right?

She hadn’t ruined that chance?

“You know what,” Finn said. “You’re crowding Rey’s space. Both of you, out.”

There were mild complaints from both Poe and Rose as they were shoved out of the room, Rose still protesting loudly she could not be kept away from her own apartment. Finn ordered them to go choose dinner, and that was the end of it. Finn closed the door behind them, and Rey was plunged into this strange silence with Finn, while she was still alone with her own thoughts.

“What are you thinking?” Finn asked.

“Nothing,” Rey replied.

“Rey, I know you,” he said. “You’re too energetic. You only get like this when something’s bothering you. I’m your friend, you know. I get not wanting to talk to those two clowns, but you can trust me.”

Rey sat down on the bed, twisting her fingers in her lap. She looked up and Finn was still waiting, an anchor of sorts. Finn was the person she knew the longest—he’d been the first friend she’d made in college, and she was so glad to have him in her life. His kindness was endless, and it was just the one constant in his life. Finn was too good for the world to deserve him.

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “I’ve just been thinking a lot.”

“About your job?”

Rey shrugged. “About that, and about…”

“You can say his name. He’s not Voldemort.”

Rey gave him a small smile.

“After I went to that party last week, it was just strange. We talked a lot about our childhood, and then I felt like I understood him, and then…” Her voice trailed off. “I just can’t think straight, and I’m always coming back to those conversations, and wondering what’s going to happen when we finally find out who got the job.”

Finn chuckled, and she looked up at him.

“Why are you laughing?” She demanded, hands on her waist.

“Just you,” Finn said. “You haven’t really changed.”

“I don’t get it,” Rey said. “Why is it? Why am I feeling like this?”

“It’s called feelings, I think,” Finn said.

“Disgusting. I want them out of here.”

Finn laughed harder at that, and then he sat on the bed next to her. Their shoulders touched, and she was glad for him being here, when she was still so uncertain of the future.

“You’re in love with him,” Finn said.

“I don’t know,” Rey answered.

She didn’t know the answer to that. She’d read a thousand love stories ever since she was a child. They were about heroes and heroines, and people who loved each other so much their love was breaking barriers across time and space. Then as she got older those stories changed, and more often than not, they were about people who were willing to give up everything to be happy with the other person.

The thing was Rey didn’t think that being in love meant giving up everything you believed in.

“How do you know?” Rey finally asked. “That you love Poe?”

Finn shrugged just slightly. “He’s wonderful. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel like I’m important. When we’re together, I really don’t care about anything else that’s happening. And even if there is a disaster, I know it’s going to be okay, because I’ve got him.”

He smiled as he finished the sentence.

“That was cheesy, I’m sorry.”

Rey shoved him. “Don’t apologize. It’s great.”

Finn squeezed her hand.

“It’s not easy,” he said. “Figuring it out. Especially in your situation.”

“I don’t want to give up this job for this, Finn,” she said. “This job is everything I’ve ever wanted, and it’s that for him too. And I think he loves somebody else.”

Finn raised an eyebrow.

“He told me,” Rey said. “So even if I do like him, I don’t think it changes anything.”

“Hey, at least you’ve admitted it.”

Rey sighed. She wasn’t sure admitting it made it any better. It was more like throwing words into a void, and them getting lost forever without a chance of coming back. Going to this wedding was just stabbing herself further.

“I wish things were easy,” Rey said. “I wish I wasn’t feeling this way.”

Finn hugged Rey, and she let herself be miserable for that one moment. For that small space where she had privacy to just allow herself to have these feelings, to understand what they were. Because in a way, Finn was right—she did think she loved Ben Solo. But it made her world turn upside down, and now nothing even mattered.

It was only one weekend. Maybe just one weekend where she could entertain the thoughts of what could have been.

Kind of like saying goodbye.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we all need fluff chapters inspired by leap year and this fic is no exception

Ben was punctual like always.

Rey got in the car in the shotgun seat, without another word. Ben gave her one look, but took off without another word. Rey watched the streets and other cars from the window, seeing the couples strolling in the sidewalk as night fell. She tried not to be envious of them, but just seeing their happiness felt like they were purposefully strolling just to piss her off.

“Do you want music?” Ben asked.

Rey jumped, turning to him. She was hoping she could avoid interaction for sometime, though she didn’t really know why, when it didn’t make a difference. She tried to search her own feelings, but they were as confused as she was. Oh well. That was the problem with feelings. They were never exact, and it was just annoying.

“It’s okay,” Rey said.

He took a couple of seconds, eyes on the road.

“I’ve never seen you this quiet,” he finally said.

Rey decided on going with the truth.

Well, a part of it.

“I’m nervous,” she said. “About the results.”

Ben went quiet by her side. He took an exit to the left, and soon enough, the landscape had changed from the tall metal buildings to the country, with the green starting to pop out here and there, and the city left behind. Night was falling quickly, and with it, the clouds that threatened during the day started gathering over the stars, so there was no sign of light except artificial.

“Aren’t you?” Rey asked.

Ben shrugged. “Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.”

“Did you just turn zen all of a sudden?”

Ben raised his eyebrows and they went quiet once again. Rey looked out of the window and spotted a single grazing cow. She looked at the roads and wondered what would happen if she told him what she was feeling. Or at least most of her thoughts—how much fun she’d had these past weeks, how she’d grown to care for him. How she was going to miss him, whatever happened after they got the job.

Rey fantasized all of this, and she wondered what his answer would be. If he would smile at her, or call her silly, or even just turn away. She couldn’t decided if it was better that she would never get the answer or having him not correspond. At least, this way, she was never setting up for disappointment.

“Did something happen?”

His voice interrupted her thoughts again.

“What?”

“You’re acting weird,” Ben said. “Ever since yesterday.”

“It’s nothing,” she lied through her teeth.

Ben took a second to answer. She was used to his responses being slower, more drawn out than her. He always took time to think before answering. So different from her, who did so many things on impulse.

“It doesn’t feel like you.”

She paused. She didn’t know whether to be angry or annoyed that he’d picked up on her strange mood. Or that he knew there was something off about her.

“How do you know what feels like me?” Rey asked. “I know you said all those things you knew about me, but those are just facts. I could list facts about you too, and I still wouldn’t know that much.”

Ben cocked an eyebrow.

“What facts?”

“You like your stupid 2005 emo bands,” Rey said. “And you’re allergic to flowers, and you don’t like anything that has too much sugar on it, and you actually prefer cocktails to beer. Don’t think I didn’t notice it that day at the bar.”

Ben made a face.

“But you know, at the end of the day, they are just facts,” Rey said. “That doesn’t mean I know anything about your feelings. Or you know about mine.”

Ben nodded quietly, and Rey felt a fight coming, and it was strange, because it was her own temper getting in the way—she wanted to fight him. Maybe she wanted him to hate her, so it would make things easier. God, it used to be so much easier at the beginning when she wasn’t falling for him. When she wasn’t interested in knowing more, when the smallest of his smile made Rey catch her breath, and stay quiet.

Rey was someone who worked all her life towards a goal, who had nothing. Ben had been born into something else, a world that she couldn’t help but feel dislocated from, where everything glittered and dazzled and Rey was always going to stay at the margins of it.

She wanted to push him. She didn’t know if closer or farther from her.

“I don’t want to fight,” Ben said.

“I don’t want to fight either,” Rey replied, completely sincere.

She was too tired to fight him, or to fight wanting him.

God, she just needed to get through one weekend while acting normal. One weekend only. She could mope after this was over.

Hell, she could cry a month after this was over, if she wanted.

But not right now. She wasn’t allowed to be sad. Not near Ben, or he’d notice something was wrong. He already noticed it, as if he, too, was so attuned to her responses and the way her body language shifted around him that he couldn’t help it.

Okay.

All she had to do was act normal. Be normal. She could do that.

They followed in silence, the road getting darker and darker ahead. Ben kept driving, and then the rain started to hit the windshield, heavy droplets of water falling down as the sky cracked open.

“Rey, I need to tell you something,” Ben said, cutting the silence.

Alarm rang on her face. Nothing good could come out of this, so before he could say anything else, she changed the subject.

“Are you sure we’re almost there?” Rey asked. “I thought you said it was near.”

“Well, it was,” Ben replied, only a little annoyed at the sudden change, as Rey had completely ignored what he just said. “I haven’t looked at the address, but—”

“You didn’t look at the address?!” Rey roared. “Oh my god, we’re lost.”

“We’re not lost.”

“Where are we then?”

“Look at the GPS on the phone,” Ben said. “We’re not lost. It’s like, an hour away.”

“Ben, we’ve been driving for at least one hour now. At least one. How could you not look at the damned address? Where is the invitation?”

“In my bag.”

Rey unclasped her seat belt and turned around in the car. The rain was still hitting, and it seemed to be getting heavier at the second. She slid to the backseat, picking up his bag.

“Can I open this?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he grunted in response. “I’m telling you, we don’t—”

Rey didn’t let him finish the sentence before opening his bag and fishing for the invitation. She found it among his shirts, carefully folded, obviously. Unlike her own bag, which was a chaotic sinkhole which seemed to vanish all her things.

“Found it,” she said, picking it up. “Hand me over your phone.”

“Use your own.”

“Hand it over,” she said. “I’m putting the address right now.”

“We don’t need that.”

She glared at him through the rearview mirror. “Give. Me. The. Phone.”

He tossed it back to her. It’d been a while since she’d messed with his phone, but nothing seemed to change. She glanced at the phone background and there was no change from last time, a picture of some band. She picked up the camera and took a cute selfie, with the rain falling in the back against the window, and put it as the new background.

She went back to the front seat, opening up the GPS. It wasn’t updating.

“Did you use all your data?”

“I’m not going to answer that. Give me the invitation.”

“No, it’s mine.”

“Rey give me that—”

“No, it’s mine,” she said, shoving it away from him, pressing herself against the door. He tried grabbing the invitation again, and Rey pressed her elbow to the door, and the window opened.

The invitation flew immediately into the storm, the rain getting inside the car and drenching them with a wave of water.

“Argh!” Rey screamed, closing the window, watching the invitation fly out into the storm while they drove forward. “Great. Now we’re lost and without an address.”

“Call Ciena for me,” Ben said.

Rey pursed her lips and picked up his phone and went looking for her contact. She pushed the button to the call and it kept calling but ended up going straight to voicemail.

“This is your fault you know,” she said.

“How is this my fault? You lost the invitation!”

“And you didn’t look at the address!”

Ben didn’t dignify that with a response. He kept driving, eyes on the road, and the rain only started getting worse. It started beating wildly against the car, the roaring loudly while they kept driving.

It was no use.

“Pull up,” Rey ordered.

“What?”

“Pull up,” Rey said. “There’s a hotel over there.”

“A hotel? In the middle nowhere?” Ben frowned at her, looking at her like she was mad.

“It’s a cabin or something? There, see the light?” Rey pointed out. “We’re going to sleep there, and that’s it. We wake up tomorrow and go up there early.”

Ben opened up his mouth to argue, but just then, a lightning struck just ahead, and the thunder boomed so near that goosebumps rose into her neck.

He put the blinker to the left and pulled up just as Rey ordered. He didn’t look too happy. Well, she wasn’t either. The last thing she wanted was to spend the night in the middle of nowhere.

The little farm hotel looked fine enough. At least it didn’t look like a murder house. She supposed no one would murder people in a place that looked completely abandoned. In fact, if she wanted to attract tourists to kill them, she’d probably choose a cute little cabin like this.

“What are you thinking about?” Ben asked.

“Getting murdered,” Rey answered honestly. “What are the odds?”

Ben looked at the house. “I’d say seven out of ten. Eight if a nice little lady in a sweater answers the door.”

Rey grinned. “You’re on.”

Rey grabbed her bag and Ben grabbed his, and in sync, they got out of the car and ran all the way over from the rain into the cabin while it poured on both of them. When Ben was almost to the door, Rey elbowed him and he fell to the ground, splashing in mud. He grabbed at her indignantly, and Rey escaped him with ease, getting to the porch.

Ben followed her, and he, too, had a smile to his face.

Rey knocked, and it was only a couple of minutes before an old lady answered, matching pretty much the description that Ben made. They both exchanged a look, but Rey was honestly too tired to run—if the old lady wanted to murder them, Rey was going to let her.

“Good night,” Rey said. “Do you have a room by any chance?”

The old lady adjusted her glasses to appraise them, looking them up and down.

“We only have one room for the night,” she said. “The storm caught everyone by surprise, it seems.”

Ben looked at Rey quickly, just checking. “It’ll do.”

“Then follow me,” the lady replied, opening the door wider.

Inside, the decor matched pretty much of what the lady was wearing—in tones of pastel, beige and light pink, the whole house looked like it had been last lived in the 50s. The wallpaper was decorated with flowers, bright upon the wall, and a tall clock near the stairs that cuckoo-ed just as they came inside.

Rey tried to avoid getting water on the carpet, but she was dripping wet, her hair dropping over her shoulders and making stains on the wood floor. Ben checked out the stairs.

“Just today I had to turn away another couple,” the old lady continued. “I have a reputation to keep here.”

“Oh?” Rey said. “Why is that?”

“They weren’t married,” the old lady continued. “I only host married couples as a rule.”

Ben and Rey exchanged another look.

“You are married, correct?” the lady said, turning back to them.

Rey had one moment where she froze, but thankfully, her brain reacted quick enough.

“Yes,” Rey said vehemently. “We’re very much married! The most married we can be!”

Ben looked at her like she’d just hit her head really hard. She nudged him with her elbow.

“Yes,” Ben said, his voice cracking suddenly. He coughed, and tried to regain his composure. “We are. That.”

“Married,” Rey completed for him.

The old lady eyed them suspiciously. Rey forced herself to think, and eloped her arm with Ben’s, squeezing his hand in hers. Her heart leapt in response—she would like to pretend that it was just because she was doing something irrational, but she was starting to learn what it meant.

“All right,” the lady said, finally climbing the last of the steps to the stairs. “I’ll mark you at the reception.I have this room available. Thank you Mr..?”

Rey moved in front of her. “Solo. This is so lovely, thank you.”

She hoped her smile was wide enough for the woman to just go away. She eyed them one last time before going back down the stairs, one step at a time. Rey pulled Ben quickly inside the room before closing the door.

“Okay, this shouldn’t be awkward at all,” Rey announced, just to see if she could relieve herself by making jokes. “I don’t want to go looking for hotels.”

“You shouldn’t have to submit yourself to this,” Ben muttered, dropping his bag on a chair. “It’s the twenty-first century. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be married—”

“It’s fine,” Rey said, shrugging it off. “I’m not offended. Or are you? Is it so terrible having to be married to me for one night?”

Ben looked at her then looked away quickly. Rey went to the window to check out the rain—it still hadn’t relented, and was beating at the house.

“God, what a night,” Rey said. “Do you want to try calling Ciena again?”

“I think she has her phone turned off,” he said. “I sent a message to Thane, but he hasn’t looked at his phone either. They might be busy with the wedding.”

“They’ll be busier if their best man doesn’t get there.”

Ben groaned, sitting on the chair of the corner.

“You know,” Rey ventured to say. “If you only had looked at the address—”

“We would be there,” Ben completed. He closed his eyes, leaned back on the chair. Rey took this moment with his guard down to look at him. There was some stubble growing on his chin, and she wondered what it’d be like to brush her fingers against it.

No.

She couldn’t think like this.

Concentrate on the usual things. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“This just proves my superiority, really,” Rey said, opening the door to the bathroom. It had crochet curtains over the window. Awful. “I would never have gotten here.”

“You lost the invitation, Rey.”

“Because you tried taking it away from me!”

“We’re going to be arguing over this forever.”

“Then it shouldn’t be hard convincing the old lady we’re married.”

Ben laughed at that, and she was glad he at least had a sense of humor. She looked at the bed they were going to be sharing.

“Are we going to argue over the bed again?” She asked.

“You’re the one who argued last time,” he reminded her.

“I’m too tired to discuss this. As long as we get to the wedding tomorrow, I’m fine.”

She laid down in the bed, taking her shoes off.

“You know,” Ben said, after they were in silence a while. Rey was almost closing her eyes off to sleep. “You’re taking this defeat surprisingly well.”

She raised her middle finger at him.

Ben coughed, and Rey smiled at the ceiling.

She closed her eyes, and for a minute, things were okay. Ben came over to the bed, and lied next to her. They weren’t even touching, their shoulders apart from each other. Rey looked over at Ben, the way his hair fell on the bed, the way his dark eyes found hers.

She didn’t want to feed on hope.

She didn’t need to feed hope to this.

Except she couldn’t do anything hope. Hope, with all her heart.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated early so @_socordia has reading material on her flight

Rey hadn’t realized when she fell asleep, still wearing her clothes from last night. Someone had covered her in a blanket so she could sleep more peacefully—she assumed it was Ben. A few minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, his hair wet.

“You’re awake,” he said.

“Yeah,” Rey said, blinking off sleep.

“I talked to Thane,” Ben said. “He gave me the right address, so we can get there today.”

“Good,” Rey said. She was still feeling kind of dead inside, after the last days of the emotional roller coaster. “I’ll be back in a few.”

She picked up her bag and entered the bathroom behind him. Luckily, he didn’t have time to get anything, so his shampoo was still there and Rey used it gleefully. When she came out of the shower, she was feeling much better.

“Should we go down for breakfast?” Rey asked brightly.

In the morning, the small inn didn’t look much better. It looked creepier, if that was possible. Rey could ignore the strange and old decorations at night when she couldn’t properly see them, but now they just felt plain weird. All those pink and frilly things combined with old porcelain plate that featured children with round cheeks and scary faces made her feel right out of a horror movie.

Ben went down first, looking for the old lady. Instead, they found a small breakfast room where there were two other couples already seated at tables. Rey exchanged a look with him, and went to grab a coffee. Unfortunately, no sign of cream, so she just overloaded with sugar before sitting back down at the table.

“I didn’t want to wake you last night,” Ben said. “You were sleeping pretty soundly.”

“Rough week,” Rey muttered in response. Ben cocked an eyebrow. “I mean, I know, that is partially—” He raised his eyebrow even higher. “Okay, mostly my fault. But I apologized, so.”

“You really didn’t have to come to this wedding.”

“God, Ben, are you just going to keep circling back to this?” She asked, taking a sip of her coffee. She was only a tiny bit annoyed at the argument, mostly because there was that underlying feeling that it wasn’t just an argument about the wedding. It was about something else. “If I didn’t want to come, I wouldn’t have come. The end.”

“If you say so,” Ben muttered in reply.

“If you say so? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ben sighed. Got his own cup of coffee, drinking it black, no sugar.

“This is not a fight, Rey,” he said. “You’ve acted weird all week. You’re always weird—”

“Gee, thanks.”

“—but this was different. You really sure you want to come? I can drive you back.”

“You’re trying to get rid of me?”

“No, I’m offering to take you back.”

“You don’t even know where we are, and you drove us here. Besides, you won the bet, fair and square.”

“We can think of some other punishment.”

Rey’s cheeks burned, and then she realized Ben had quickly looked away, realizing the double meaning. If she was going to act weird every time he said something, she might as well go home.

No. She just wouldn’t take this defeat. If she got through this weekend, it would basically prove that she could do anything at all. She’d given up entirely on denying her feelings—she knew by now they wouldn’t go away—but there was this one weekend where she could pretend everything was going to be fine on Monday.

As if she’d get there, and he’d still show up to work, and everything was going to be fine.

She could postpone the fact that whatever Ms Kanata’s decision, it was going to last forever.

Because if she couldn’t forgive Ben for taking the job, he wouldn’t be able to forgive her either.

And Rey was tired of apologizing for the things she wanted.

Ben cleared his throat, and Rey’s attention snapped back to him.

“Rey, I gotta tell you something—” He started, but right then, their hostess finally showed up.

“Ah, there you are!” She said, creeping up on them. She was holding a tea kettle in her hand, and they looked fragile enough to break, full of wrinkles. They reminded Rey of the woman who took care of her in the orphanage, with the nails breaking near the meat. “You two slept well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Rey said, trying to gather some enthusiasm she didn’t feel.

“Ah, to be young and in love,” the old lady sighed. She patted Rey’s hand and Rey had to stop herself from jumping. “It’s wonderful, is it not?”

She exchanged one look with Ben, kind of panicking.

Ben was much smoother than she was. He picked up her hand across the table, taking it with his own. Rey didn’t gasp, she barely moved, but she felt her demeanor shift—butterflies in her stomach, a warm feeling climbing from her toes to her core. His hand was much bigger than hers, but she always felt right with it.

“It was a wonderful night,” Ben said. “Thank you for letting us stay.”

“We try our best,” the old lady replied. “This used to be one of the best places for lovebirds to come on honeymoon, and I’m proud of setting it up.”

Rey looked around the room. If people were looking for an horror themed honeymoon, this sure sounded like the right place.

“Indeed,” was the only thing Rey found herself to mutter.

“Well, you see, my late husband, may he rest in peace,” the old lady continued, and Rey looked at Ben in panic. The woman started giggling. “He was so fond of this place, and you know, in our old days, we used to get up to—”

Rey immediately got up, almost throwing the table down.

“I’m sorry, would you look at the time!” Rey said emphatically. “We really must go. Thank you so much for your hospitality, we appreciate it.”

Ben got up as well, sensing Rey’s panic. Rey went up the stairs quickly, packing the rest of their bags so they could leave, while Ben sorted out the payment. She didn’t even offer to pay, since Ben was the one who got lost first.

When she finally went downstairs, he was already waiting for her at the foot of the stairs.

“Quick!” She gestured. “Before she comes back.”

Ben gave her a smile. “You’re eager to go.”

“I don’t have time to listen to old lady’s telling a story about how many times they banged their husbands. I didn’t think you were very keen on it either.”

Ben laughed. “Look, I wanted to—”

Rey didn’t let him finish the sentence, fearing what came next. She threw his bag at him, and together they went through the door. It didn’t even look like there had been a storm, the only evidence left was the puddles on the grass that Rey was careful to avoid as they went toward Ben’s car.

She dropped her bag in the backseat, and was ready to get in when Ben didn’t make a move to get in the car.

“Rey, I need to talk to you.”

She stared at him from across the roof of the car. She really wanted to cut this conversation short before it went too far, and she only had one solution.

“Is this about work?”

She waited, but he didn’t speak.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Rey said. “Whatever you are trying to say, it’s not important.”

Ben didn’t speak. She wondered if that was good, if she’d shut him up once and for all, but whatever he was about to say, she didn’t care. She didn’t want to know. Because if it had to do with work, then it couldn’t be any good. It couldn’t bring her any happiness.

“I don’t understand,” he finally said. “I just wanted to talk.”

“Look, Ben,” she said, “don’t turn this into a mistake.”

“Turn what?”

Rey waited for an answer. Friendship? Didn’t seem to define it properly. It wasn’t friendship for her.

“This wedding. Coming here with you. Being your friend.”

He waited a second. “You think this might be a mistake?”

“I don’t know,” she answered frankly. “You tell me.”

“We’re not enemies, Rey. Things changed.”

“Did they?” Rey asked, arching an eyebrow. “Tell me what changed.”

Ben’s silence was damning enough.

“I understand,” Rey said. “I do. But I don’t want to talk about work. We’re going to get answers on Monday, and I don’t want to pretend that this won’t shake it.”

Ben swallowed. He looked away from her. He looked… hurt. But so was Rey, and she couldn’t even tell him why. She tried sounding the words in her mind, but even then, they wouldn’t come out. A secret kept too tight around her heart, coiled around it like a ring that suffocated it.

She licked her lips. “We can sort this on Monday, okay? Whatever happens. But let’s have this one weekend where we don’t think about it.”

He waited a long time, as if he was considering something.

“Please,” Rey said, her voice coming out softly. “Nothing about work. Nothing.”

Finally, Ben nodded. “All right.”

Rey smiled at him, but it didn’t really reach her eyes.


	41. Chapter 41

Rey and Ben traveled in silence, their earlier argument a little heavy around the car. At least, it didn’t take long. The weather had miraculously cleared from last night’s storm, and there was no trace of clouds. They arrived a couple of hours later, Rey anxious to get out of the car.

The wedding venue was a charming farm that the couple had rented for the ceremony. It was already set up for tomorrow afternoon, with white lilies covering the path and the hedge, and fairy lights set up in the poles and covering everything in a magical atmosphere. The roses bloomed in light pink, and it looked like one of those weddings straight out of a magazine.

Rey climbed out of the car after Ben, taking it in.

“Wow,” she said.

“Ben Solo!” Someone shouted in the background, and Rey turned to see a blond guy come running down the slope from the house, and almost tackle Ben to the ground. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I’m your best man,” Ben replied.

“Which means you should have been here a week ago,” the guy said, grinning. Then he turned to Rey. “Who’s this?”

“This is Rey,” Ben said.

Thane Kyrell blinked, as if he recognized the familiar name. “Not the one—”

Ben shoved him.

“The one who punched him in the nose, yes,” Rey replied, offering her hand. “He doesn’t want people to remember that. Congratulations on the wedding.”

Thane shook her hand and smiled again.

“Welcome, Rey,” he said. “Thanks for coming. I promise you’re not going to get bored to death. Well, no more than you’d normally be in Solo’s company.”

“Ha, tell me about it.”

Ben glared at both of them, taking their bags out of the car. He dropped down to the floor.

“I actually was still unsure if you were coming with a date or not,” Thane said, a little apologetic. “We’re kind of full up, so you think we’ll be in the same room.”

At this point, Rey didn’t even blink. What was it with her, Ben, and literally one room?

“It’s fine,” Rey said. “I don’t mind sharing.”

“Great spirit,” Thane said. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to the others. My future wife is already drinking champagne, so please forgive her if she says anything absurd. Be sure she meant it.”

Rey laughed, suddenly her queasiness gone. It wasn’t going to be all bad. The weekend and the wedding still promised that it could work. She exchanged one small, tight-lipped smile with Ben before she went inside, following Thane.

 

#

 

The rest of the afternoon passed just fine.

Rey was introduced to the bridesmaids, and Ciena herself—who was sharp but kind, her dark brown skin smooth and her curls soft, and she got even a tour of the farm and the rest of the decoration. She didn’t see Ben for the rest of the day, offering to help with the preparations.

She didn’t see Ben for the rest of the afternoon. Not that she was avoiding him, but their awkward conversation in the hotel this morning hadn’t helped to ease away her mind. She kept putting off thinking about her feelings, or even doing something about them.

When she was about to enter the room, Ciena stopped her in the corridor.

“Hey, get ready to go out?” she said.

“What?”

“My Bachelorette party,” Ciena said, cocking her eyebrow. “Everyone is pretty much ready. We should leave in an hour or so.”

Rey could hardly say no. She walked inside the room, and Ben was already there, also changing his clothes.

“You guys going out?” She asked.

“Apparently, yes,” Ben said. He started closing the buttons of his clothes, and Rey turned away quickly. “You going as well?”

“Bachelorette party,” Rey replied. She stared at all the dresses she brought, and the only option was the red one Ben had given to her. She waited to see if he was going to say something else, but Ben said nothing. Their argument this morning was still in her mind, and she didn’t know how to breach the subject.

She didn’t know if she wanted to breach it again.

It felt like both of them were on a merry go-round, with the same arguments, going back and forth, fighting and then apologizing, but never truly getting off the ride. At least he had agreed they wouldn’t speak about work, which was something.

“Look, about today—” He started to say.

“It’s okay, Ben,” Rey interrupted. “Really. I didn’t mean to get into an argument.”

“No. I wanted to apologize, because you clearly don’t want to talk about it, and I kept pressing the issue.”

“That’s the longest sentence you’ve ever said to me.”

Ben glared at her.

“And there goes that effect,” Rey said. “For a minute you almost had me, Solo.”

Ben shook his head. Except he did have her.

He had her so completely that she was finding it hard to breathe when she looked at him. She kept looking while Ben went to the bathroom to change. At the last minute, he turned to her.

They stared at each other in silence for a couple of seconds.

“Do you need something?” He finally asked.

Rey shook her head. “I’m fine. Go be the Best Man.”

Ben closed the door behind him, and Rey threw herself in bed, wanting all this to go away.

 

#

 

The Bachelorette party, was, well…

Rey didn’t know what exactly she was expecting. She couldn’t believe she had been this innocent in her life, especially because she hadn’t attended any weddings and none of her friends had gotten married. Paige had just moved in with Jess a couple years ago, and that was that. They did ask for gifts, and Rey got one of those magical pans where nothing sticks.

Getting Paige a pan was definitely not this party.

Ciena had gotten a club at the next town, which was just ten minutes by car from the wedding venue. The club wasn’t huge, but she’d closed it down just to get all the guests she’d invited. The music was blaring loudly through the speakers, and it was a spectacle of pink and silver light shining, and the champagne was flowing freely. Rey grabbed a glass, standing to the side awkwardly as all the other bridesmaids giggled happily and raised Ciena on a table with a pile of presents. They fit a tiara in her hair, and Rey closed her eyes for a moment, wondering how long she’d have to stay to not be considered rude.

Until the music changed, and three different guys walked through the door.

Rey frowned, and a second later, the three started dancing.

Oh. Oh, of course.

They started taking clothes off, and all the other girls screamed in glee. It was like out of a movie, and the dancers started mingling in the crowd, lap dancing all around. Rey kept to herself, watching all the others have fun. Even though they kept screaming and the guys kept dancing, she just didn’t really feel the atmosphere.

It was worse when they started opening the gifts.

“Oh, look at this!” One of the bridesmaids pulled out a piece of black lingerie. “Ciena, please.”

Someone dug up another present. “Body lotion, hmmm, with taste.”

Before she could jump out of the way, the other girl spread the lotion over Rey’s arm.

“Here you go,” she said. “You have the hot date. Might make good use of it.”

Rey’s cheeks burned red. “That’s not what—We’re not like that.”

The bridesmaid raised her eyebrows. “What are you waiting for? Seriously, you need to get it.”

“Oh come on,” Ciena said loudly, trying to shuffle Rey out of her discomfort.

“Oops, sorry!” The other bridesmaid shouted, shoving the first aside. “No talks about Ciena’s ex.”

Ciena shook her head, and for another second, everything seemed fine. Rey got up, going for another drink. The room was starting to spin around her already. She’d done nothing in this party but drink. She’d leave in a second. She really wasn’t feeling up to the party. She stood at the bar, ordered a margarita, and that was it.

Just one more drink.

Rey had just gotten a drink when Ciena showed up at her side, leaning against the counter as the rest of the party went on.

“Shouldn’t you be there?” Rey asked.

“Honestly, kind of tired of Magic Mike,” she answered, gesturing to the dancer. “If it was XXL…”

Rey had to laugh. She took another gulp of her drink. She really felt it sink to her stomach, the alcohol making her tipsy.

“You make a good couple, you know,” Ciena said.

“What?”

“You and Ben,” she replied.

“We’re not a couple,” Rey said, trying to ignore the little squeeze her heart made sure she felt.

Ciena observed her a second.

“Oh,” she said. “You haven’t told him about how you felt.”

“No.”

She looked at Ciena, who was wearing a beautiful and short white dress, with a boa of feathers around her neck in pink. Bride to be. Rey never cared much about weddings as a child—all the other girls were obsessed with fairytale weddings, even back in the orphanage, and Rey tried to avoid it as much as she could. She didn’t know if there was one day where she’d be able to look at someone, and know she was going to spend the rest of her life with that person.

Though in a way, that’s what she and Ben had done. Always meeting in the end.

“So do you plan on telling him or what?” Ciena asked, taking a sip from her drink.

Rey took a second to reply. “He likes someone else. And besides, there’s the whole thing about the job. I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to forgive him if he gets it. I know it’s not his fault.”

And some things had changed. At the end, the job wasn’t that important to her anymore—but still it was a force stopping her. Something she should ground herself to.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Well, you went to college with him,” Rey decided on changing subjects. “He told me you’d broken up because he liked someone else.”

Ciena made a face. “Ugh. Oh my god, that would be just like Ben. Pining after the same girl ever since college.”

“Who was she?” Rey asked, her morbid curiosity still getting the best of her.

Ciena shrugged. “Never met her. I knew she existed, because there was something in his eyes. You can tell when someone loves you, and when they’re so in love with someone else that their world just fades away. Kind of like I can tell with you.”

A blush crept into Rey’s cheeks.

“Look, it’s not the end of the world,” Ciena said. “Maybe he still likes that girl. But maybe you should let him know that you’re here, too.”

“I’m not going to do that,” Rey said, offended.

He’d told her explicitly that night at the bar that he was still in love with someone, and besides what was she going to do? It was enough that he’d told her that, and Rey wasn’t just going to get her heart set up to be broken.

She was stupid, but not that stupid.

“Then you’ll never know,” Ciena said. “Take your chances.”

“I know my chances.”

Ciena shrugged, and her tiara with butterfly wings just kept springing in her head along her curls. She finished her glass of champagne.

“Your loss,” Ciena replied. “But you know, my wedding is tomorrow, so I’m going to give away a very cliché advice—you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Honestly. Just take your shot.”

Rey watched Ciena for a second. Her honest face, and her earnest. The bridesmaids still having fun in the background with that poorly dressed go-go boy, and maybe it was just the whole atmosphere of the Bachelorette party and the fact that she was a little drunk.

“Thanks Ciena,” Rey said, getting up.

“Where are you going?” Ciena asked.

“I’m going after Ben,” she said.

She drank the rest of her champagne and left through the door, confidence buzzing through her veins.

 

 

 


	42. Chapter 42

It was hard to walk through a town you didn’t know. It was harder when you were completely drunk.

Well, mostly drunk, Rey admitted. She could still walk in high heels, which was saying something. She’d gotten the address of the party from one of the other bridesmaids, whose boyfriend was going to Thane’s party. It wasn’t too far, considering the town was so small, but Rey had walked a good fifteen minutes before she found the address, cursing her phone when it tried loudly giving her directions.

She stopped dead when she found the address.

It wasn’t just a closed place for restaurant or like the club they’d just been too.

It was a straight up strip-club.

Rey stopped in front of the door. There was one security guard who raised an eyebrow when he saw her.

“My brother,” she managed to mutter. “He’s in there.”

“Miss, this is a private, party—”

“Yeah, I know, Thane Kyrell’s party. Let me through. I need to talk to my brother.”

The security guard didn’t try to stop her. Maybe it was her stance, or the fact that she was so drunk she was willing to put up a fight with some random security. He stepped aside, and let her walk through the door. Inside, the music was loud and blaring through the speakers. She’d only been to a strip-club once, during college, because she needed to drag Finn’s clueless ass from inside as he texted her in desperation that he needed help out of there.

It looked pretty much the same as last time. A bunch of dudes sitting across the room in arm chairs, the music loud through the speakers, and a lot of girls in flimsy clothing, or next to none at all. She definitely saw a girl without a bra, and quickly turned away. Well, this was going to be fun.

“Hey,” someone called out to her, “Shouldn’t you be wearing less clothes?”

Rey flipped him the middle finger, and a bunch of guys laughed. She just needed to find Ben. It couldn’t be that hard. She couldn’t imagine him being that comfortable in this club anyway, so uptight as he was. Or maybe that was just her perception of it. Someone in the background called Thane’s name, and Rey spun on her heels, trying to figure out where the party was, exactly.

She saw Thane wearing a crown, two girls dancing around their table. She couldn’t spot Ben. She went up to the table, tapping Thane’s shoulder.

Thane jumped when he saw her. “Rey? What are you doing here?”

“Came to find Ben,” she shouted, trying to make herself louder because of the music. “Do you know where he is?”

“Haven’t seen him!” Thane shouted. “Did you just walk up here?”

“Yeah. A problem?”

Thane looked a little scared of her, but shook his head. “You got guts, that’s all.”

“To just come inside this place?” Rey asked, rolling her eyes. “Honestly. Men.”

She waved him aside, too tired to talk to him about anything else. She needed to find Ben. She needed to tell him before she lost the little courage she had gathered.

She just needed to put this feeling out in the world.

Rey started to march to the back of the club.

“Rey, wait,” Thane said, catching up to her. “Maybe I’ll tell him to find you?”

Rey stopped on her tracks. “What? Why?”

Thane looked around. “Well, you know, it might be better if you just wait outside.”

She narrowed her eyes. “No fucking way.”

With determined steps, she left Thane behind and marched to the back of the bar. She could see another door there that led outside, and just another familiar figure—the tall back with muscles that she definitely knew. She thought about calling out to Ben, and instead, marched outside.

Rey stopped a second. Ben was with someone else. She recognized another woman. She was dressed, so at least this didn’t mean she worked here. Rey held back a second before moving out the door, hearing the low voices talk.

“Ben, come on,” the woman was saying. “That’s not what this is.”

“I told you,” Ben replied. “Don’t. You shouldn’t have come here.”

Rey sneaked closer to the door to hear the voices better. Her head was still spinning from the alcohol, but now she just wanted to find out about this mysterious girl Ben was talking to.

“I’m trying to pull your head out of your ass,” the woman continued. “How long do you think you can stay like that for? Hasn’t this been enough?”

“I refuse to talk about this.”

“God, Solo. Okay. But how long are you going to do this? For the rest of your life? Because you know it isn’t going to go away.”

“You don’t know that.”

She laughed. “Right. You want to try?”

There was a silence on Ben’s part. Rey risked a glance across the door. The woman didn’t look older than them—she was probably one of their classmates from college, the way she was talking. At least that’s what Rey would have guessed. She was close to Ben, so close…

The woman leaned in for a kiss.

Rey closed her eyes.

She couldn’t watch this.

Rey glued herself in place as the woman reached up and Ben didn’t move. Her lips reached for his, and Rey felt her own heart tremble, her muscles stop.

Ben didn’t do anything to stop her.

Rey watched for what felt like a long time, until her muscles hurt from staying in place, until she couldn’t find air to breathe inside anymore, the club stuffed and loud, and all she needed was silence and more silence so she could think.

All she wanted was for this to end quickly.

She burst out the door before she could stop herself.

Rey registered Ben’s face for only one second as shock, and then she turned around and started running.

“Rey?” Ben shouted.

Rey held back her tears. She wasn’t going to try. She wasn’t going to be pathetic like that.

It was just a kiss, and he’d given it away freely, and there was nothing more she could do.

“Rey, come back!”

She ignored him, and kept walking. She heard his footsteps behind her until he caught up, panting, and he touched her wrist. Rey wished she wasn’t so easy to stop, that the mere touch of his fingers on her skin sent shivers up her spine.

“What?” She turned around, trying to gather her strength back as not to cry. She shoved it all deep down.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you,” she said. Her voice broke at the end. Fuck. “Clearly, you were busy.”

“Rey, it isn’t what you think.”

“How do you know what I think?” Rey said, her voice sounding loud even to her ear. She didn’t want to give in to hysterics. Stupid, so stupid of her to think that she could hope, at least for one bit. To just tell him how she was feeling, and see if they could work something out of it.

She’d been hoping for a chance.

Ben stopped dead in his tracks. “I don’t. You don’t tell me.”

“Don’t turn this around,” she snapped. The words were coming a little slurred out of her mouth, and she could predict a headache in the morning. At least she hadn’t drunk enough to throw up or anything like this. “This is not about me.”

Except it was. It was about Rey, and how she was bottling up feelings inside her and trying to shake them out as if they didn’t exist. As if it was nothing at all. And God, she was so angry. So angry to believe in just a stupid, small chance that she could have, to maybe push past that fear she felt of just giving in to all those feelings, and pretending the job wasn’t going to affect their relationship.

It was her mistake, anyway.

She turned around.

“Rey, please,” Ben called out. “You can’t go out like this.”

“I’m fine,” she said. The walk back to the farm would do her good. “Besides, I think I interrupted in the middle of something, you might as well get back to it.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Ben said. “This was just the guys messing around with me. Because—”

“Because you’re in love with someone. I get it.”

She didn’t get it. She was very, very far from getting it. And although Rey tried to pretend she didn’t care about whoever Ben loved, she couldn’t really fool herself anymore.

She turned around again, ready to go back to the farm. She was done for the night. So done.

“I am,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t—”

“What? Be friends?” The words came out bitter from her mouth. “How? You haven’t even been sincere with me. Besides, all we’ve done is pretty much fight all weekend.”

“I didn’t want this to happen,” Ben said quietly. “This is not how it was supposed to go.”

Rey thought about all the other small arguments they’d already been through, of Ben not moving when someone else tried to kiss him, of how much she just wanted to forget all of this and lean against him, run her fingers through his hair and listen to his heartbeat.

She didn’t do any of those things.

“I know,” she finally replied, her tone dropping down and her bones tired. “But maybe it’s just an excuse for you to hold yourself back from something else. Maybe it’s just that you’re scared.”

With that, she turned around and ran back to the farm.


	43. Chapter 43

When she got to the farm, Ben was still following her.

“Rey!” He shouted. “Rey, come on!”

She wished all the drinks had cleared from her walk, but she was still slightly dizzy. She was so concentrated on her walk back though that the only thing she felt were her heels sinking in the grass when she finally walked through the gate.

Rey ignored Ben’s continued shouting across the farm. Let him shout.

She couldn’t erase the image of him kissing another girl.

She knew she shouldn’t be too bothered by this. It was ridiculous. She didn’t own him. She hadn’t even told him how she felt, so what was the point? He didn’t even like her. It was ridiculous that she felt somehow entitled to that one thing. At least she hadn’t gotten to tell him how she felt. Rey didn’t think she would be able to handle the humiliation.

When she got to the room they were supposed to share again, she thought about locking him out. No one was back yet, each busy with their respective bachelor party. The house was silent as she climbed up the stairs, but didn’t lock the door.

A minute later, Ben walked inside the room, out of breath.

“You’re here,” he said.

“Yes,” she drawled, sitting back in the bed. “It’s my room too, isn’t it?”

Seeing him now after his run made her want more drinks. He’d been drinking too, and he’d taken his tie off, and his shirt was open, and she could glimpse his chest beneath. God, she could be more drunk so she’d fall straight asleep instead of staring at his throat and chest.

He was still sweaty from the run, his hair tousled.

“Rey, you didn’t let me continue—”

“I don’t want to continue,” Rey said. “Coming to this wedding was a mistake. I just agreed because I’m not a sore loser.”

His expression changed. “I said you didn’t have to come.”

Rey didn’t contradict him. She’d been stupid to think that she could enjoy this one last weekend. To push off her worries and pretend nothing was wrong, that this was some kind of alternative world where she and Ben weren’t competing for the same job, where he wasn’t in love with someone else, where everything was just right.

But of course it wasn’t.

She tried chasing her problems away, but that never really worked.

Rey kept sitting in the bed, and realized that there was no point to this argument. No point to discussing anything at all, especially because she couldn’t tell him what was really hurting. What really bothered her.

Ben took off his jacket and put it inside the wardrobe. He looked back at her.

“Do you want to get changed first?” He asked.

“Not really,” Rey replied. “Maybe I’ll sleep in the bathtub or something instead of the bed.”

“Oh, you are going to start this again.”

“Let me have my pettiness, Solo, thank you very much,” she replied. “There was already the argument this morning, I can’t believe you keep trying to stop me from this.”

“Rey,” he said, more as a warning than anything else.

But Rey was tired of warnings and caution. Not that she had ever had any, more like she had learned it the hard way. Now this was different. She’d never felt this way before about anyone, and she couldn’t even tell him, or how much he enraged her when he didn’t even let her have her own petty arguments. What did he care if she went to sleep in the bathtub?

“God, Ben, I’m so done,” she said, getting up. Somehow, to punish her, her drunken state had gotten a little better, and she was still in full possession of her wits. More or less. “Why do you have to argue about everything?”

“You’re the one who keeps arguing.”

“Fine, it’s because I hate you,” she replied. “Does that make you feel better?”

Ben snorted, and combed his hair back with his fingers. She hated when he did that. It disarrayed his hair, and it somehow made him feel more… definitely hot. That was the word Rey wanted to find, that she also wanted to block off her mind.

With his shirt slightly open, a bit tired, and his hair out of the place, Ben Solo was incredibly hot.

Rey felt like she was about to make a huge mistake, but that didn’t stop her from making it.

“We’ve been over this,” Ben said. “Rey, just go wash your face or something, and we can continue this argument tomorrow if you insist on it.”

Rey stopped in front of him.

“Fine, we’re going to bed,” she said.

She went to her bag, opened it and looked for her pajamas. She risked a glance at Ben, who was still standing, as if he couldn’t understand what she was doing.

Frankly, Rey didn’t understand it either. She wanted him, she wanted him angry at her, and she wanted him begging for forgiveness, all at once. She wanted him to say he loved her, and not someone else, to want her just for one moment, even when Rey knew it was all going to be a lie.

A pretty lie, but still she wanted it.

It was better than having nothing at all.

Instead of heading to the bathroom, she started unzipping her dress in front of him.

“What are you doing?” His voice rose almost an octave, shocked.

“As I said, I’m going to bed,” Rey said, as if it wasn’t obvious. “It requires taking off my clothes.”

“Rey, this is—”

She ignored him, and let the dress fall to the floor, standing in the middle of the room only wearing her lingerie. At least she’d had a matching black set, which she’d gotten last year and never used. Well, this was it.

“Are you just going to stand there?”

“Just put your clothes on,” he said. “You’re not thinking straight.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Rey breathed. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I doubt that. Just put your clothes on.”

“No.”

“Do it.”

“Make me,” Rey dared him.

There was a single moment where Rey felt like time stopped.

Then Ben’s mouth found hers. Hungry, thirsty, all that feeling bubbled up to the surface and he brought her against the wall. Rey smiled against him, and that one moment she was sure this was a mistake, but she definitely didn’t care. She kissed him back, wrapped her hands around his neck, and then pushed him back, almost ripping his shirt off.

Ben stopped a second, as if he, too, was realizing what they were about to do.

“Rey,” he said.

“Ben,” she replied.

“We shouldn’t.”

“I know,” Rey said, fully conscious.

She slid her hands down his muscular chest, feeling the tension of him. It was so strange, knowing how exactly one body was affected by the other. She pushed her hands down, and unbuckled his belt, sliding down his pants. She felt him harden against her, and Rey gave him another smile, and then neither of them was waiting anymore. Rey lowered herself and took him in her mouth, going all in.

Ben moaned above her, and Rey still worked with her mouth and tongue, slowly making her way. Ben slid his hand through her hair, and his touch was tender and strange, and when Rey got up, they both tumbled into the bed, their kisses passionate. Ben slipped his hand beneath her lingerie, his hands firing her up, and every piece of her was both breaking and reconstructed, and Rey didn’t want to think. She just wanted her body and sensation to take over and think about nothing at all.

His hand slid into her, and Rey let him caress her, while still holding him against her. She met her mouth with his, sucking on his lower lip, letting the taste of him invade her until she could no longer feel anything else but him. Ben breathed against her, holding her face with both hands, and he looked into her eyes for one second, as if realizing what that meant.

Rey nodded, a smile still playing on her lips.

He lowered his hand once more, massaging her breasts, and Rey arched her back as she felt the warmth rising in her body and between her legs. Ben kissed her jaw and her shoulders, going down her shoulder blades and finally to her breast, cupping her body to fit into his. Rey muttered his name, or at least she thought she did—she wasn’t sure. Maybe speaking it out loud would be breaking the curse, and she let herself be free of all of that. Her feelings took over as she wrapped her legs around his torso, and she kissed his neck, massaged his shoulders, and spread her hands to him, wishing that this moment could just last.

When she couldn’t take the tension anymore, she guided him into her with her hands, and Ben lay on top of her, his hair a mess. She combed it back with her fingers, and as their bodies moved together, Rey wished she didn’t know how it would end. She reached her climax just as she felt her heart breaking just a little.

It was better just to have a small taste again. Just a small fraction of heaven, of the things she could have had.

It was better to have a small taste and have it taken from her than knowing nothing at all.

Rey kissed Ben as he lay by her side, and soon enough, he was asleep.

Rey didn’t close her eyes, and she kept watching him sleep peacefully until she, too, gave in.


	44. Chapter 44

This time, it was Ben who woke up first.

Rey didn’t feel the warmth next to her, and she blinked, the sun already shining outside. She checked her phone for the time, and thankfully, she wasn’t late. She scrambled with the bedsheets to wrap around herself before she got into the shower, and by the time the door opened, Rey was almost sure she’d gotten her heart under control.

Ben came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his torso still with a few droplets of water. Rey looked away, trying to gather her thoughts.

He looked at her for a second, and Rey scrambled to the bathroom without another word. She took a quick shower, washing her hair and scrubbing her body, and still burning a little from shame. Was it shame, though? She wasn’t ashamed to want him. She was ashamed that she had half-manipulated him into it, especially after what she’d seen last night. She’d known how this was going to end, and still she did it anyway.

Rey got out of the bathroom with a robe, roping it around her waist. She took a deep breath, her hair dripping wet to her shoulders. She stepped back into the room and Ben was already dressed for the wedding, with a light gray shirt and black pants. He hadn’t put his tie yet.

“What was that last night?” Ben asked.

Rey stopped. She could answer it in so many different ways. Anything but the truth.

“I was a little drunk,” she answered.

“A little?”

“Come on, we’re both adults,” she replied, dancing away from the questions. “Just forget it. Like we did last time.”

“A mistake.”

The word used now was just like getting punched.

She’d used it before. A mistake. A series of mistakes that led her here, all the way back since high school, memories smashed together with feelings she couldn’t untangle, and she was left spinning around it.

It was only a a kiss, and it ended up just. Like. This.

“If you think so,” she finally said, trying to ignore the lump in her throat. She was not going to repeat the words back.

“Oh, so you’re throwing that at me now.”

Rey sighed. “God, Ben, we have this wedding to get through. Is this really the time to be discussing this?”

“Maybe it is,” he said, his voice rising. “We’ve both avoided it long enough.”

Rey turned around, unable to face him. She started sorting out the clothes she’d brought, and trying to find the earrings she’d decided on wearing for the wedding. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but she definitely didn’t want to face Ben either.

“Rey.”

Rey spun on her heels.

“Avoid what?” She finally asked, throwing her arms around. “That there’s an attraction here? Fine. I thought it was obvious this time.”

“And is that it?”

“What more do you want me to say?”

He stared at her a few seconds, his mouth parted open. His lips were full, and Rey found herself imagining just crossing the room and kissing him again, begging him to forget yet another argument. Every single one of their conversations had ended here, brought them to the same point.

Because of course it wouldn’t work, and of course Rey was only lying to herself.

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “An explanation would be nice.”

“An explanation? Would you like that in essay format? Times New Roman pt 12?”

He only glared at her, but a joke that he would at least have smiled before didn’t get a reaction from him.

Rey knew this was bad.

“Forget it,” Ben said, turning around. “If you can’t talk, that’s fine. I don’t even know what I was thinking.”

“What you were thinking?” Rey snorted. “I think the problem is that you weren’t. You were the one who kissed me first.”

She felt his shoulders tense again, and he wouldn’t look her in the eye. Rey wondered if that’s what it was—if he wanted a confession, if she should just lay her feelings at his feet. But she couldn’t forget that damn kiss last night, when Ben couldn’t even back away. He was running from it, too.

They were both running in opposite directions.

“You know what?” He said, taking his tie and putting it around his neck. “I shouldn’t even had tried. Maybe you were right all along—if it’s just going to be like this, we can’t be friends.”

Rey shifted her weight.

“I mean, it’s just—”

“Friends don’t do this,” Ben said. “And I don’t mean sex.” He blushed a little as he spoke, and Rey for a second even forgot why she was fighting him. “I mean that you don’t tell me what you’re thinking, and you were right. It’s impossible to know you, and you just do whatever you want without caring who gets hurt.”

Rey opened her mouth, frozen into place.

She’d never heard those words before. She was always careful, dancing around people’s feelings. She knew what it was like to be alone, and to be small, and all those things that she’d never wanted to feel again.

But in a way, he was also right—this time, Rey wasn’t careful. With him, she didn’t care for consequences or measures, she was impulsive and often a little mad, and everything was done in the spur of the moment.

And hadn’t she used him, too? Rey knew he didn’t correspond her feelings, or even if there was something beyond a shaky friendship, because she’d squashed it with her own desires. She’d pushed him once more over the edge, without even caring what he was feelings, because she was desperate for some sort of goodbye.

A goodbye that she’d just ruined.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Ben’s eyes softened a little.

“Sorry doesn’t fix things now,” he said.

“Ben, please.”

“Do you have an explanation?”

His voice was firm, and his eyes didn’t shift. It wasn’t like the beginning, where they both avoided each other, or even where Ben mocked her in turn—when it was just that easy and balanced thing, even if Rey thought she’d hated him.

He kept staring, waiting for her to come up with an answer.

Rey didn’t have any.

She could say she was sorry again, but he was right too—it didn’t fix anything, and it didn’t wipe her mistakes of the past. And while she was caught in this frenetic dance with her own feelings, she’d trampled all over his. Even as a friend, Rey hadn’t respected him enough.

Instead, she shifted closer to him and fixed his tie in silence. She felt as Ben’s muscles tensed under her shoulder, but he didn’t say anything. She tied it around his neck and adjusted it, and then she stepped away. There was nothing she could truly offer him but the silence.

Ben wiped a finger over his forehead. He didn’t say anything either.

“I know you can’t forget this,” Rey finally said. “And you’re right. Sorry is not good enough.”

“No,” he agreed. “It isn’t.”

He turned around and walked through the door, and Rey let him go.

Rey didn’t try to stop him.


	45. Chapter 45

The wedding was beautiful.

The speeches were great, the food was superb. Everything was in place, and it was better yet that she wasn’t seated next to Ben. When Ben made his speech, she listened attentively, and tried not to let the words sink to her core, or to just ignore how miserable she was feeling.

She didn’t meet his eyes when he finished the speech, and tried to ignore him when the party started. Rey avoided the drinks, too—the last thing she needed was a repeat dose of what happened last night, and besides, they’d be driving back still today. It was only a couple hours more, at most. That’s all she needed to get through.

She stopped by the bar, picking up a soda, when she spotted the girl from last night.

The one who’d kissed Ben.

Rey’s stomach dropped.

“Excuse me, I—” The other girl said, and then stopped, eyeing Rey. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rey replied, though her words dried in her mouth. She turned around to go when the girl pulled her back.

“You’re the one who came with Ben, right?”

Rey turned around once more, facing her. Definitely one of Ben’s college classmates.

“Yeah,” Rey replied. “I am.”

The girl nodded again. She had her blond hair tight in a braid, and she turned around to give orders to the barman. Then she turned to Rey, her expression completely serious.

“Don’t go breaking his heart,” she said to Rey. “I know he looks tough, but that’s not him.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

The girl looked quizzically back at her. “You came with him.”

“We’re not together,” Rey said, snorting.

“Oh.”

She wondered what the hell that meant. The girl grabbed her own drink, taking a gulp. Her muscles were strong—stronger than Rey’s. Rey could bet she was on the same basketball team as Ben. Maybe even one of the ridiculously named Knight of Ren.

Rey decided that she might as well pry, being here, her pettiness winning her over.

“Weren’t you the one with him last night anyway?”

The girl spit her drink. “Oh, shit. You saw that?”

“I mean, we aren’t together. It doesn’t make a difference.”

The girl looked at Rey for a second, and there was an ounce of pity in her eyes. Rey didn’t like it too much.

“I’m sorry, it definitely wasn’t like that,” the girl said. “I was worried about him.”

“So you kissed him?” Rey raised both of her eyebrows.

The girl narrowed her eyes just a bit. “I was proving a point. He didn’t even move. He definitely did not kiss me back, that’s for sure. I thought he was done pining after someone he was never going to get, but clearly, I was wrong.”

“Tell me about it.”

The girl snorted. “Yeah. Ironic.”

Rey looked at her once more, and she had the distinct feeling that she wasn’t telling Rey something. Whatever it was, she could do without it. It looked like both of them ended up getting frustrated by this wedding.

“I’ll see you around,” Rey said, turning her back, and going back to the party.

When the sun started to dawn, the bride and groom took to the dance floor that had been set up in one of the fields, and tiny fairy lights surrounded it. Thane and Ciena danced their first waltz together as a couple, and it was all perfect. Good. Every second was closer for Rey to go home. When the dance ended, Thane stood in the middle of the dance floor.

“One of the things my dad used to say that gave him good luck on his wedding was the support of his friends,” he said. “And I’m so thankful for all the friends here tonight, who will surely be present in our life.” He kissed Ciena’s hand.

Rey looked up suddenly, and she found where Ben was standing. She saw him searching for something, and she wondered what he was looking for.

“And thus, this next dance is for the best man and the bridesmaids to dance with their dates,” Thane finished.

Ben looked up.

Their eyes met across the improvised ballroom.

“Come on,” Ciena said, nudging Ben.

Rey watched as if it was all in slow motion, as Ben pushed through the crowd that had gathered around Thane, and his eyes were on hers. Rey couldn’t even breathe as eternity seemed to pass between them, where there was one moment that was certain connecting them both.

Ben stopped in front of Rey.

“Dance with me,” he said. It wasn’t asked as a question, but it wasn’t an order. It was something in between them, a promise spoken with words that binded the universe together.

“All right,” she said.

Ben took her hand and led her to the dance floor. There were other couples, too, thank God, but Rey couldn’t really be relieved at seeing the other bridesmaids or Ben’s college mates. It didn’t matter. That one moment had been reduced to the two of them. Just them.

They stopped in front of each other, their noses almost touching, but Rey felt like there was an eternity separating them, and her heart was skipping beats inside her chest, and she was only standing here because there was another force of nature pushing her to stand, something beyond comprehension. Almost like magic.

Slowly, Rey breathed. In and out.

Just breathe.

She put her hand on his shoulder, reaching up. Ben’s hand clasped her left hand, his fingers delicate, and it was like her palm fit exactly into his. Then his right hand slipped to her waist, and Rey’s back went cold.

She looked up again to meet his eyes as the song started.

It took her a few seconds to recognize the song, but she didn’t think she could forget no matter how hard she tried—it took her back all those years ago to prom, to that one dance where Rey went home before she leapt into a mistake.

Here, she couldn’t leave.

Instead, she let the song play, and let Ben guide her in the dance. The first steps were unsure, and as he guided her, Rey felt her body relax, and just forget everything else that had happened between them. Forget the fights, forget the difficulties, forget the rest of the world. Those things didn’t exist in this moment.

The only thing that existed was Ben and Rey, as they were here, right now.

In his arms, there was only them. In his arms, there was nothing separating them, and the rest of the world was gone. The music was playing on, but it seemed to play only for the two of them. She was close to him, and she was the closest she ever felt to being alive. Her heart thundered in her chest as she looked into his eyes, and yet she said nothing.

“Ben, I—”

“Please, let’s just forget this,” he whispered to her, his voice not above the song. “I know it was just an impulse.”

“Yes,” she agreed, her cheeks burning a little. “But—”

“Rey, I don’t want to fight,” he said. “I’m tired of fighting with you.”

She nodded, and stayed silent.

Rey knew what she wanted and what she couldn’t have, and in this song, she learned to make peace with it. She imagined her life playing differently if she had stayed at prom—maybe crossing the room after meeting Ben’s eyes, and asking him to dance. Maybe she would have kissed him there and then, and just give up on this dance that she’d spent her whole life running from and that found her in the end.

Ben turned her, and every time he made her spin, Rey felt a moment of breathlessness, one moment where she stepped away from him and then found herself once more in his arms. They did not break eye contact, but it was still a surprise always finding his gaze into hers.

When the song finally ended, people clapped, but Rey ignored them. She let go of Ben’s hand. She gave him a small smile, and before she did anything stupid, she turned around and fled the ballroom.

Rey almost stumbled across the party, saying ‘excuse me’, hoping no one noticed her absence enough that they’d come after her. She didn’t take another drink, and she let her heels sink into the grass ground, leaving the party behind. She didn’t once look back, only walking forward until she was distant enough that she couldn’t hear the music anymore.

Rey didn’t realize she was crying until something wet ran down her cheek. She wiped the tear away, but before she could steel herself, she felt more of them coming. And for once, she let them fall.

She let the tears wipe her clean, her shoulders shaking as she stared at the lake and the country, and she let the tears fall. She cried, not for any particular reason, but the circumstances that led her here, and for the things that couldn’t be, or for the things that didn’t work. She cried because she couldn’t change things, and she cried for her own stubbornness that wound up here. She cried for Ben, and she cried for herself, until she felt like her tears were cleaning her, wiping everything away until she was healed.

Until she knew that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but whatever happened, she should be thankful for it.

“Rey?” A voice asked, and Rey turned to see Ben standing a few feet from her, his posture uncertain.

She wiped her tears away.

“Are you okay?” He asked. “You left so quickly.”

“I’m fine,” she said.

A traitorous little sob escaped her body.

“Are you crying?” He asked, his voice riddled with disbelief.

“I hate weddings,” Rey said.

“Look who’s bitter now.”

She glared at him, but then she realized what he was doing—he was trying to make her smile. He wasn’t succeeding, but she appreciated he was trying.

“You sure you’re okay?”

She wanted to say no. She wanted to pour out every emotion and feeling out of her chest, and let it run like blood, so maybe it would look ugly, but still real. Because in the end, this wedding was too far removed from their reality that she couldn’t bring herself to believe that anything that had happened here was real.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’ll be.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Ugh,” Rey replied. She stared at the lake, and crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to form a barrier. “It’s nothing. Feelings are terrible.”

Ben chuckled and came to stand by her side. Rey considered pushing him into the lake. It would be petty of her, but maybe it would solve some of the conflict in her heart. Her stupid heart. Out of all the people in the world, it had chosen him.

Honestly, it was enough to want to push herself into the lake.

“Look on the bright side,” Ben said. “You did not go out with the bride of this wedding.”

Rey had to laugh. “That seems fair.” She waited, a lump in her throat, feelings that she needed to let out and she still couldn’t figure out how to do it. “There’s something about it that kind of reminds me of my family.”

“Oh.”

Rey hugged herself closer. It was not just Ben making her feel this way, but the whole situation. All the time she’d wondered about her parents and her family, and in situations like this she just couldn’t hold it back, like the whole world was trying to remind her of it.

“I just wonder if my parents were married, and who they were, and where they are now,” Rey said quietly. “I’ve always tried to avoid that, but as a kid, everyone in school was imagining their fairytale weddings, and I got stuck here. Forever wondering about something that I can’t change.”

“I’m sorry.”

Rey nodded slowly.

“Everyone got their stories,” Rey said. “Everyone has their parents, even if they’re shitty ones, at least they know where they’re from. At least they know, which is better than nothing. It’s better than what I’m going to get.”

She breathed deep, and looked away.

“In the end, I’m just…” Rey’s voice trailed off. “I’m no one.”

“Not to me,” Ben replied quietly.

Rey looked up, and she took a deep breath. She felt her own confession coming out, spilling it like the rain from the clouds.

But she couldn’t do it.

Instead, she looked at the stars and the lake, and forced herself to think of something else rather than the fact that she was in love with Ben Solo and that he didn’t love her back, and that tomorrow they would know who got the job, and maybe never speak to each other again.

Rey still couldn’t figure out what was more painful.

She watched the lights dancing across the surface of the lake, and swallowed her feelings, burying them deep within her.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She asked.

“Yes,” Ben answered, but he wasn’t looking at the lake. His eyes never drifted from her. “Let’s go home.”

Rey didn’t know how he understood what she wanted, or even if they were referring to the same thing.

“Yes,” she replied. “Let’s go home.”

Ben turned around, and she watched him go down the hill. Another second passed by where she saw her own path splitting and Rey running after him, turning him around.

Rey breathed again and did nothing.

“Ben?” she asked, finding her voice.

Ben looked back at her, a few feet ahead. She wanted to frame him like that, capturing the picture in her mind—his black hair falling in waves to his shoulder, his dark eyes staring at her and only her. His scar, which she’d learned to love in the strangest way. The way he looked at her, with the lights behind him made her heart ache. Rey memorized every second of it, committing it to memory.

Maybe she would never have this again.

“Nothing,” she finally said, trying to smile. “Thank you.”

He nodded only, and Rey felt the fairytale dying around her. The wedding still went on, the bride and the groom were happy, so close, getting their happy ending, and Rey was on the edge of it, never sure that she belonged there.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only three more chapters after this one! I hope you guys have enjoyed the ride (:

Rey barely slept that night.

She kept pacing her room after she’d arrived, wondering what was happening tomorrow and what the answer was going to be. She wore Ben’s hoodie, the one with his smell still on it, and she tried to remain calm and pretend that she was setting up for a heartbreak.

Maybe she’d lose her job, and maybe she’d lose her chances.

She didn’t know which one was worse.

At some point in the morning, she gave up entirely on sleeping, and she started unpacking her bag. She took off the dress she’d used first, and the dress of the dinner, and she saw the drink she’d spilled on it. She remembered Ben’s hands taking it off her, and it was like his fingers were still there, brushing her shoulders, like a ghost.

Rey shuddered and put the dress away, trying to forget what it meant. She put it all into place, and by the time the sun had dawned through her window, her whole room was organized once more, and she’d changed half of her books, and still she wasn’t happy, like there was a part of her that was still missing, and she was never getting it back.

She knew how people felt in books and movies, she thought. This was what heartbreaks felt like, and she couldn’t think people could simply enjoy it.

Rey put on her clothes and went to the kitchen.

“Wow, you look like you haven’t slept at all,” Rose commented, walking in.

“Yeah, nightmares,” Rey agreed. She’d rather not tell Rose that she’d spent the whole evening thinking about Ben.

“But it’s your big day,” Rose said, her smile opening. “You’re finally going to get the job you’ve wanted!”

“Yeah,” Rey agreed.

“You don’t look happy, Rey.”

“I don’t know,” Rey said. “What if it’s not everything I wanted?”

“Oh,” Rose said, suddenly quiet. “Is this about Ben?”

“What? No.”

Rose gave her a knowing look.

“I didn’t even ask you how the wedding went,” Rose said, and Rey chewed on her bottom lip.

“It was beautiful,” Rey said.

“And?”

“And there’s nothing,” Rey said. She’d rather not explain all the circumstances or spell out her dumb mistakes and anything else she’d said in the wedding. She’d ruined any chances and she couldn’t even tell him what she felt.

Maybe it was better that way. It wasn’t real if she just didn’t tell him.

“I’m sorry,” Rose said, and hugged Rey.

Rey hugged Rose back, happy with the comfort of her friend.

“But you know,” Rose said, “Another dawn, another day. You are going to be great at this job, Rey. Just great. Go get it.”

Rey smiled, and agreed. She picked up her bag and went.

She decided it was better to walk, letting her exercise warm her instead of taking the public transport. At least she didn’t have to run the risk of meeting Ben on the way, and she had all the time to herself if she wanted it. She kept walking, watching the couples on the street, the way they walked hand in hand. The day looked ghastly, with the clouds rolling over on the horizon and already threatening for a downpour soon, and Rey tried to keep her pace faster.

When she got to the office building, she was almost relieved.

Whether it would be the first day of many, or last, she knew she’d fought to the end. She tried to be happy, to think happier thoughts, to just concentrate on the fact that she worked hard five weeks for this—that she’d learned a lot, and that she had a lot of fun, too.

She tried not to think up that this job had brought her someone to love, but also the very reason she couldn’t do it.

Rey swallowed dry, wiping her eyes so she wouldn’t cry. She came into Ms Kanata’s office, knocking on the door.

“Rey, come in,” her boss said, and Rey came inside.

Ben was not there.

Why wasn’t he there? He was never late. Never.

“Are you excited to see the result?” Ms Kanata asked, and Rey nodded eagerly, trying not to let her nervousness show.

She looked around, but Ben was definitely not there.

“You don’t even need to sit,” Ms Kanata said. “But I’d like to congratulate you on getting the job.”

Rey stopped a second, and opened her mouth. “I got the job?”

“Yes, you did. Congratulations. You did so well on your month here. I’m more than pleased to welcome you into our team.”

“Thanks so much,” Rey said, forcing herself to smile. “I’m so happy to work here.”

“I am too,” Ms Kanata replied. “You’ve shown dedication to this job, and I’m excited for you to keep on doing good work.”

Rey waited to see if she was going to say anything about Ben, but Ms Kanata didn’t say anything at all. Rey considered just turning back and going to her office, of celebrating her victory, but somehow, there was something wrong. It didn’t feel like a proper victory. It didn’t feel good.

She had to ask.

“What about Ben?”

Ms Kanata blinked.

“Oh, he handed his resignation.”

“He did what?”

Ms Kanata looked up.

“He handed in his resignation for the position,” she repeated herself, slowly this time. “I thought you knew this.”

Rey’s stomach clenched. “I didn’t.”

“Well, you still got the job,” Ms Kanata smiled. “You worked hard for this. Congratulations.”

Rey smiled, but somehow, it was just the reflex of an old muscle. She couldn’t truly bring herself to smile because there was something wrong.

A month ago, Rey thought Ben walking out of a job like this was in character. He’d betrayed his mother’s company and taken her authors, and he was just another little spoiled rich boy who did whatever he wanted, without warning. But now Rey knew better. She knew Ben. She knew he wouldn’t just walk out of an opportunity like this.

“Did he tell you why?”

Ms Kanata shook her head. “He left no explanations for this. I assumed he found something more interesting, or he was just making it easier for me to decide.”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

Ms Kanata looked up. “I’m sorry?”

Rey was already talking too much. It’s not like she was making any sense, or Ms Kanata would just fire her on the spot for rising up once again.

Rey took a deep breath. She needed to find Ben. She needed to know why he’d give up his spot like this. She needed to know the reason. Because it wasn’t fair—she hadn’t won, not truly, if he’d just given up.

Rey wanted to win it fair and square, and not just because her competition had resigned and turned away.

She was going to find him.

“Thanks so much,” Rey said, and forced another smile. “I’m so excited. Can I have the morning off to resolve some things?”

“Yes, of course,” Ms Kanata replied. “Congratulations again.”

“Thanks again.”

Rey spun on her heels, and went off to find Ben and have this cleared up once and for all.


	47. Chapter 47

Rey ran as fast as she could towards the address that by now she knew so well.

She didn’t think of taking a cab or being cold or anything else, she just went where her legs took her—with no regrets, no worries, nothing on her mind but demanding why Ben would leave just like that. The doorman let her in as he recognized her, and she didn’t wait for him to really let her pass, already calling the elevator and jumping in.

When she got to his door, she knocked and waited.

There was no response.

Rey tried again, but there was nothing. She tried to force the door, but this time, it was firmly locked. Maybe Ben had learned something after all during this month.

“Ben, it’s me,” she shouted to the door. “Open up.”

She waited. He had to be home. Where else would he be, if he hadn’t gone to work and signed his stupid resignation? How could he do such a thing to her? After all they’d been through, after five weeks working together every day, battling for this one job? It was her one dream, and now it seemed suddenly that nothing else mattered, that everything had paled compared to this.

She didn’t want him to resign, because she wanted to win fair and square.

Rey waited for almost thirty minutes, knocking from time to time, even texting, but Ben never came to the door.

Her stomach sank as she thought about the consequences and what it meant. He didn’t want to see her. He had never even bothering showing up today at work to explain, and maybe Rey wanted to explain it too—how she felt, and why she’d made every stupid decision. Because she recognized it for what it was. Stupid, she’d been stupid the whole time, trying to deny what she was feeling and pushing it back.

Finally, she turned her back to the door and went downstairs, defeated.

Her legs felt sore, and there was a lump in her throat. She wasn’t going to cry. If he didn’t want to see her, that was fine. Outside, the weather was windy and promised rain any minute now, and every once in a while thunder echoed through the clouds. Rey shoved her hands inside her pocket, and tried to shield herself not just from the weather but from her own heartbreak.

She walked with her head down, half-angry, half-desperate, when she heard someone call her name behind her.

“Rey!”

At first she didn’t turn, but then she realized she wasn’t dreaming. She turned on her heels, and Ben was running in the sidewalk, catching up to her. He stopped, just a little out of breath, his hair messy.

She looked up.

“We need to talk,” she said. “I went all the way over to your apartment and you weren’t there.”

“I went for a walk,” he said. “I needed to think.”

Rey faced him as she stepped closer. She could smell his perfume, the comfort she’d begun to know and had tried to deny herself.

“Why did you resign?”

“Is that what you wanted to ask?” He raised one eyebrow, quizzical.

Rey shoved her hands deeper into her pockets, balling them into fists.

“I ran all the way here,” she said. “Why would you do this? Why did you resign?”

Ben’s hair was being carried by the wind as it threatened to rain harder.

“You must know,” he finally said. “Surely, you must know.”

She looked up at him.

“I don’t,” she answered. “All I know is that I woke up to go to work, and you’d resigned. How do you think that makes me feel? One of us was supposed to win, stupid rules and all. I don’t want this job just because you walked away. I want it because I deserve it.”

“You deserve it more than I do.”

“Shut up,” she said. “We both worked hard for this. I can’t let you do this. Go back and un-resign. Let them choose fair and square.”

“I won’t,” Ben replied, his voice adamant. “You can ask anything of me, but I’m not going back there. I tried to tell you. All weekend. You kept avoiding me and the subject.”

They stood facing each other, daggers flying. Rey was still angry at him, but there was something else too—that ache in her chest she felt just by looking at him, her hands desiring to touch him, just for him to hold her a second so she wouldn’t face the world on her own.

Rey was tired of feeling alone.

“Then at least give me an honest answer,” she said. “Tell my why you just decided to throw this opportunity away in the trash.”

“I didn’t throw it in the trash.”

“It looks like you did,” Rey said, struggling to keep her voice low. She wanted to shake him out of this stupor, or just drag him back to the office. Maybe both.

“I didn’t,” Ben said, and when she was about to contradict him, he raised his hand. “I thought a lot about it, and what it meant to you. And then talking to you made me realize that maybe I never even wanted this job. Maybe I needed to be doing something else, and you made me remember what I liked about it in the first place. So I’m not just giving up on it. I’m stepping away to do something else.”

Rey waited, eyebrows scrunched. “But then you let me win.”

“It’s not winning,” Ben said. “The job is yours, you worked hard for it. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” She asked. Her lips quivered just slightly.

She realized that it was because a part of her was still waiting to hear something else. Still waiting for something else, something she was not going to have.

“You’ve made it clear over the past few months,” he said, “who we were, and who we were meant to be. I think talking to you cleared my mind in a lot of things.”

“Ben, you can’t just do that. You don’t even have a plan B.”

He shook his head again.

“Look, I know what I’m doing,” he said. “And this feels right to me. I’m not just letting you win, if that’s what you think. I’m taking my own path.”

“This can’t be it,” she said. “I refuse to accept that as an answer. You couldn’t do this.”

Ben looked down, and took a deep breath.

“Rey, listen,” he said, and his voice was not confident like before, and it was just audible enough that she could hear it. Another thunder echoed in the background. “I did it because I wanted to. I’m not backing down on it. I couldn’t take this job if I won it, not if I was going to spend the rest of my life wondering if they should have chosen you instead.”

He took a deep breath, and even Rey didn’t dare to interrupt him.

“I did it because I know you’re going to be good at it,” he continued. “I did it because I knew what was best for me, and that I couldn’t live with the fact that we were still competing even after what we went through. I’d rather not compete at all.”

Rey blinked in surprise. All her anger was gone now, and she thought she understood—she thought she’d broken them beyond repair last week, because she was always going to be wondering and competing, and it was never going to be enough. They couldn’t live just as friends. Maybe Ben had made the right call for it. Maybe they’d finally be able to find some peace and balance.

But she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question.

“Ben, why?”

Ben opened his mouth, debating whether or not he was going to say something. She could feel his conflict, and all she wanted to do was reach out for him and stop it.

Finally, Ben decided, and he let out a breath.

“Because I love you,” he said in a whisper. A breath he had held so long, and then Rey knew there was nothing else in the entire world that mattered, like the world had gone completely silent. “I love you, Rey, and I did this because I want you to be happy. I want you to have this, because you deserve it. I know you don’t correspond—”

“Ben, shut up.”

“You never had to correspond, this is not what this is about,” he continued, not hearing what she said. “I never wanted to tell you this. It was never meant—”

“Shut up,” she told him. “Don’t say another word.”

For a second, Rey couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Her brain couldn’t understand. But then it was like all of it fit into the puzzle. Why he never tried to prank her at work. Why he kept offering her chances, why he went out of his way to help her. And how he’d turned away when he thought that she was just using him, and didn’t feel the same.

It all made so much sense. How could she have been so stupid?

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I never could help myself, looking at you. Just pretend you didn’t hear that. Just pretend—”

“God, you’re so stupid, let me finish,” Rey said, her voice rising.

Ben stood, looking at her, but with his mouth closed. The one time where he wasn’t quiet or thoughtful, and he just decided to rant and she couldn’t gather her thoughts. Her heart was beating too fast, discompassed, and she didn’t care about any of it. There was coldness and warmth inside of her, and her bones felt like they were made of jelly.

She hadn’t realized how long she’d been waiting to hear those words.

“I love you too,” she finally said.

And then she kissed him.

Ben stood frozen for one second, as if he didn’t realize what was happening. Rey threw her arms around him, glued her lips to his. They were warm and tasted of honey and better days, of childhood promises she thought she’d outgrown but still wanted, deep within her being. It tasted of that old closet and a hotel room, it tasted like the cold breeze on the rooftop and all the small moments she’d shared with him, until her intense hated melted away and it only left with that lingering feeling, and knowing that in the end, it had changed into something else.

Ben responded in kind. She felt as he relaxed with her, as his hands wrapped around her waist, how they seemed to be exactly where she wanted to be. Rey kissed him until she no longer had breath for it, and people were staring at them in the street, and all she could do was start laughing, still in disbelief.

“It is you,” Ben whispered, wonder in his voice.

“Yes,” she replied. “It’s definitely me.”

At that moment, the rain finally started to pour, and Rey couldn’t move away from it. She only stared at Ben and he stared back at her as they both got drenched, and Rey was almost shivering, but all she could do was keep staring at Ben.

The man she loved.

She kissed him again, ignoring the droplets and the people opening umbrellas next to them, ignored the shoves and pushes, and she only heard the thunder in the background, echoing her own heart.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy chrismas it's christmas merry crisis merry chrysler

When they got to Ben’s apartment, Rey couldn’t stop kissing him.

But this time, it was different.

The intenseness of their last times were still there, and she couldn’t believe she’d let herself shut off from this, pretending it was nothing. The last time, she thought it was a stupid decision—something she’d never be able to have in normal circumstances. A goodbye to the things she could never have, and just a small taste of it. Rey had told herself it was enough, but it wasn’t. Just a goodbye.

This time it was like saying hello.

He undressed her carefully, even though their clothes were already wet and drenching. Every piece of clothing that fell to the floor felt like another layer gone between them, until there were no more walls to destroy. He kissed her while taking them off, and she kissed him back, slow, deliberate, careful. He stopped a second to turn on the shower, and Rey was already half-shivering, she didn’t know if it was from anticipation or just cold. When they both got under it, the hot water washing over them both, she fell into his arms again, and never wanted to let go.

She let the warmth of his fingers run through her body, and she felt every single time they touched like it was an electric current coursing through her body. His hand slid lower, and Rey leaned back into him, grabbing his hand and guiding him inside. He kept kissing her neck, and Rey leaned against him as his fingers worked slowly and deliberate, every touch intentional until she was left begging for more.

She turned off the shower and they both went to the bedroom, not even waiting for them to dry properly. Ben stood tall near the bed, and Rey wrapped her arms around him, and he hugged her. She kissed him again, rising herself on her toes, and his tongue explored her mouth as they both stepped back into the bed. Rey fell with her back to the bed, and Ben lay on top of her, and he planted kisses as he went down. She held his hand, and spread her legs. She shuddered when the warmth of his lips touched her again, and a soft moan left her lips in protest. Ben kept going, and Rey felt fire spreading across her body, lingering in every single place where they had touched.

It was slow, painstakingly slow, but the more she had, the more she wanted. He moved again, teasing, just waiting until Rey felt like her whole body was about to burst.

“Please,” Rey said, and it was all that needed saying.

When their bodies finally came together once more, Rey let out a sigh of relief. She was still holding his hand as he moved into her, and they stood so close, every part of her skin touching his. It felt more than just good—for once, it felt right.

Ben stroked the back of her neck, wrapping his hands around her.

“I love you,” he muttered into her skin, and she felt that sentiment as it coursed through her body, as it was spoken not only in words but with his lips and his hands, because it was much more than just saying it out loud.

“I love you too,” she said again, and it was freeing herself from so many walls, and just come crumbling down. But instead of ruin, she had found herself in this, and found who she wanted to be. A glimpse of what she had become.

When they were done, they dropped into the bed, both still sweaty, but the last thing Rey felt was tired. She felt alive with promise and greatness and light, and all the things that she could be. All the things that they could be together.

She turned to Ben, facing him in the bed beside her, sharing the same pillow. She never thought she’d be this close to him again, and it made her heart flutter once more at the possibility. Of those words that had brought them here.

“When did you know?” She asked him, staring into his eyes. They were no longer made of mystery. They were just Ben’s eyes. Her Ben.

“When did I know what?”

“What you felt,” she said, almost whispering. Careful, unsure. “When did you know?”

“I fell in love the day you punched me in the playground,” he said.

“What?”

“It’s true,” Ben replied. “That was all it took. I don’t even remember what you told me. But it was all it took. That day, and there was not a single day where I didn’t think about you.”

“But you hated me.”

“Well, a little bit,” he admitted. “You were good at everything you did. It made me a bit jealous.”

“Ben Solo, jealous?” Rey asked smugly. “That’s interesting.”

“I’m serious,” he finally said, looking up at her eyes. “I’d given up on it. The moment I saw you again in the interview room, I knew it. I knew it had never truly gone away.”

Rey stroked his hair, and then she started braiding it. It was soft against her touch, and she hummed as she braided it just like she’d once dreamed of doing.

“Rey?” Ben asked.

“That’s the most confusing love confession I’ve ever heard.”

“Then that makes it true,” Ben said. “And you?”

Rey stopped laughing. For a second, she didn’t know. The thing about her memories is that all of them blurred a little, here and there. She remember laughing at him, of hating him so intensely that there was no feeling of hate, and she was just left with the intensity of it. Of the taste of their first kiss in that stuffed closet, of all those things that she’d mixed up across the years. Of seeing him in the rooftop and understanding she never wanted to be alone, and that she didn’t have to be.

And in the end, she didn’t think it made a difference.

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “But I do. And I think that’s what matters, isn’t it?”

Ben offered her a smile. A true, uneven smile, one she’d seen so rarely before that her heart felt like it was about to burst from the sheer amount of happiness she was feeling at the moment.

“Yes,” he finally said. “I think that’s what matters.”

Ben kissed her, and Rey let herself feel at home.


	49. Chapter 49

They walked back to the office that same afternoon.

Ms Kanata looked in surprise at them both, as if she didn’t really expect to see them there.

“Oh, Ben, you’re here too,” she said. “Won’t you sit down?”

“I think this is quick,” Ben said. “I know I handed my letter of resignation, and I wanted to apologize for my abruptness.”

“So you’re reconsidering?”

“No.”

Ms Kanata looked between him and Rey. Rey stood closer to Ben, almost instinctively. Her own heart was racing in her chest, because she didn’t know what she was going to do. It was all strange and new, but she was certain of one thing—of Ben being by her side. That was the only thing she needed.

But Rey couldn’t really help herself to her curiosity.

“If Ben decided to come back, would you have chosen him?” Rey asked.

Ms Kanata blinked in surprise and took off her glasses. She massaged her temple, a gesture Rey had recognized from this past weeks working with her. Not that she was tired, but that she was thinking of a good way to say something.

“You’re both very good for this job,” she finally said. “You’re both perfect candidates. I wasn’t even considering choosing one of you until Ben sent me his resignation e-mail on Friday.”

Rey spun around, turning to Ben.

“You signed it on Friday?”

“Yes,” Ben said. “I was going to tell you, but…”

His voice trailed off, and Rey considered everything that had happened since Friday with the wedding. How many times had he tried talking to her? How many times had he tried saying something only for her to stop him? It was ridiculous, but she could see it—maybe Ben had been wanting to tell her how he felt all weekend, and she’d ruined his chances.

Even sleeping with him again had ruined it.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said.

“You don’t have to be.”

“I feel like I’m interrupting you both,” Ms Kanata said, and Rey blushed, looking back at the woman who was her boss. “I was not expecting you to resign. I was in fact considering hiring you both.”

“Both?” Rey almost choked, incredulous.

“We could make it work,” Ms Kanata agreed. “You have been one of the best and most dedicated employees I’ve had in the last few years. I’d hate for you to resign this post. It could be an incredible opportunity.”

When Rey looked up at Ben, she thought he was maybe considering it. Like a fork in the road, which path they would both take, which would lead where. It was the strategist in him speaking, and trying to understand what the right choice was.

“So?” Ms Kanata finally asked.

It took some time for Ben to respond.

“Thank you,” he said. “But no, thank you.”

Rey blinked, waiting.

“I’ve learned a lot since I began working here,” Ben said. “And it’s been an incredible opportunity. But in the end, I don’t think that this is what I want right now, or that it’s the right choice for me. So thank you again, but I’m stepping down.”

Ms Kanata smiled, and nodded her head, accepting her defeat.

“Thank you for your sincerity,” Ms Kanata said. “It’s appreciated. And of course, I’m more than happy to be able to choose Rey.”

“Actually…” She started saying, and then she looked at Ben.

Ever since Ben had told her about resigning, there was something in the back of her mind, a question that she thought was better left unanswered. But Ben had reminded her of it too. Of what she’d dreamed of doing once, and how she was far away from it now, and how she wanted to get back to it. Maybe it was time. Maybe she was scared to jump before, but now she had a reason to.

Ben was standing there, and Rey knew that there might be a future there. Because of what he made her feel, and because of who they were. Ben understood her. Ben made her want to be better.

They made _each other_ better.

“Actually, I’m not taking the job either,” Rey said. “I think there might be something out there for me, too.”

Ms Kanata blinked, looking between the two of them. Maybe she didn’t really need to guess what was going on, but Rey thought she knew. Rey wasn’t even touching Ben, but it was like her body was constantly drawn by him.

Rey wasn’t doing this because of him. She’d known it—it had been dawning upon her ever since she started the job. She’d realized it as soon as she’d started falling for Ben. Both of them wanted more than just offices and contracts. Both of them were wanting something more, if she only was brave enough to reach out for it.

Rey didn’t know where she was going yet, but she knew she wasn’t going to be alone.

“Then I wish you both luck,” Ms Kanata finally said. “And I hope I see you in the future.”

Rey smiled, and she followed Ben out of the office, and into the elevator.

They stood side by side, smiling, and Rey was a little afraid of the future, but she was excited, too. When they got to the reception, she realized that there were flowers being delivered.

Not just any flowers.

“Stop!” she ordered the flower man. “Sorry. You won’t be able to deliver those.”

The flower man frowned. Ben stopped by her side, and when he got close to the flowers, he sneezed.

“I’m sorry,” the man said. “Who are you?”

“Rey Knight,” she replied quickly. “I ordered those.”

“You’re canceling your order to a… Solo Sucks?”

Rey blushed hard, and Ben started laughing.

“Yes, I’m canceling,” she says. “I’m taking those. Have a nice day.”

She took all the flowers—over a dozen of them, an extravagant bouquet that was so ridiculous that she felt bad just by holding it. There were flowers of every color, red and purple and yellow, and it was the biggest bouquet yet.

“So what exactly is that?” Ben asked.

“Victory flowers,” Rey said in an apologetic tone. “I ordered all the flowers in a package, it was cheaper that way. This was one was the last.”

Ben chuckled, and then sneezed again, his allergic reactions showing. Rey walked over to a girl who looked a little bit alone with her earphones, and handed the flowers to her.

“Here, have them,” she said. “You can use it more than me.”

The girl opened up a smile, taking the flowers. Rey watched, side by side with Ben as the girl went about her way.

“You liked me. That’s why you kept the flowers,” Rey suddenly said, turning to Ben. “Even though you’re allergic.”

“Yes,” Ben agreed. “You gave them to me. I was not throwing them away.”

“And the bet?” She asked, suddenly angry. “You said you weren’t going to fall in love with me.”

“I couldn’t fall in love with you,” he told her. “Not if I was already in love.”

“That’s cheating!”

Ben swept her off her feet, kissing her. Rey laughed, not being able to stop herself. They stood in the sidewalk, with the office behind them, and Rey didn’t know what was going to happen in the future.

“That day, when you first saw me doing the interview,” Rey said, “What were you thinking?”

Ben shrugged.

“I couldn’t see anything else,” Ben said. “Just you.”

Rey smiled at him, true and full, no longer fearing what was going to happen. As long as she was by his side, she knew she was going to be okay. They would work together.

“Will you come with me?” He asked, and offered his hand.

It was a promise unspoken. It was the future, standing in front of her, the years stretching. She was on one side and he was on the other, but together, they could do so many things. There was no need to plead, though she could almost hear it in his voice—a small ‘please’, just a word that was telling her that it’s what he wanted, too.

Both of them together, whatever the future brought.

“Yes,” Rey said.

She took his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so, so much for reading,
> 
> I'm beyond grateful for all of you who read, left kudos and comments and followed me weekly into this ridiculous journey into early 2000 rom-com tropes. I've loved writing every minute of this story, and I hope that you loved reading it, too. 
> 
> Writing this au has been one of the most fun things I did and one of the things that brought me the most joy. 2018 has been a tough year for everyone, and I'd missed writing something only for the sake of writing, without too much pressure. Thank you to everyone who has followed the updates, left kudos and commented on every chapter. You've made this experience better. Thanks for sharing it with me.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll post more SW fanfiction (it's likely, yes, but I'm not working on anything at the moment and I have my own deadlines to meet), but I have a couple of one-shots posted in this profile, as well as a long fic which is just me drafting episode IX, if you're interested in that. My debut book, **The Last 8** , is also coming out next year (March 5th, 2019!), and it'll be available in bookstores. Here's the [ goodreads link ](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36349389-the-last-8) if you want to check it out. Pre-ordering or asking your local library for a copy is the best way to support my writing. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for following along on this journey, laughing and crying with me. May the next year be filled with rom-com tropes that are sweet bordering on tacky, and I hope we all survive episode IX.
> 
> Happy New Year!  
> Best, xxx  
> Laura


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